Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

@Uswr10 You sound like a good parent to me! You are keeping good boundaries and keeping your son safe.
As he gets older, you can relax as he becomes more trustworthy/ sensible around traffic &c
Too many kids run wild and are poorly supervised.

The thing is, you'll never actually know where nurture ends and nature begins. You can only ever do you best and then hope it was the right decision. If your gut is telling you that you are too strict and have conditioned a highly compliant child then you might be correct, or you could just be giving yourself a hard time. Who knows?

Do you have fun together? Does he laugh and play? The routine sounds good as long as he's happy then it's all fine.

You’ve done the best you could and actually it sounds like he is a calm and good child and you’ve done a good job of making him feel safe and secure which is vital. Running feral is not living childhood dreams it’s being limitless and unfettered which children struggle with long term.
He may test you when he’s a teen. He’s still so young. But know this, you’ve done a good job in difficult circumstances. Do not beat yourself up.

He sounds brilliant you have done an amazing job ! He will thank you for it in the future

I am in tears writing this. That's what you wrote because you care and love so much

Never compare a child with another one it always make you question your own parenting

I think you sounds like a wonderful mum

OP, you sound like you are doing an amazing job. Who hasn't raised their voice at their kids the odd time? I've been strict with my DD too wrt expectations of standards of behaviour (she's my only child and I was around your age when I had her). She never threw tantrums as a toddler and was generally an obedient child. She is now a vocal teen, full of her own thoughts and views and not shy to 'debate' with me - whilst still being respectful and wanting me to love her! We were talking the other day about the things that we like most about each other and she said that she really loves that I always recognise her feelings and when she's overwhelmed by things, and that she can talk to me about anything. I can imagine that if you fast-forward a few years then you and your lovely DS will have the same relationship. He will always know where he stands with you. That's a good thing. Chin up, you're doing great!

I had twins.

I was strict and very routine led because it I wasn't all hell broke loose.

Having a bedtime routine and your kid doing what you say is perfectly fine.

Some children don't have tantrums. Some children have loads and loads. It's more to do with the kind of child they are.

Sounds like @Uswr10 is doing a great job!
My son was an easy child, and I was quite strict about behaviour- he was a well behaved polite kid with a few blips in teen years of course 😂 - son is an adult now and we have a good relationship- Boundaries are important.
They make children feel safe.

Op it sounds like you are a wonderful mother. You are raising a well behaved, happy, stable little boy, not because you are strict, but because you have a good routine in place and your son feels safe and cared for. It is probable that he has a bidable nature too, which of course helps.

My daughter is 4 and is very shy and quiet when in new environments. She went to the same toddler group as 1 friends son from aged 14 months and a friend's daughter joined at 2 and a half and they were 3 before they ran and played together.

Growing me and my best friend were always those children that held back and observed and settled into a situation before joining in. Both of our younger siblings dived straight in. We have both moved all over the country on our own and take life in our strides. Our younger siblings have barely moved down the road and can't imagine ever living a stones throw from home.

I think consistency is good but maybe there's space to relax a smidgeon. Mornings and bed times are fairly routine driven in our house but we do have a bit of flex at the weekends. My daughter needs 3 medications at specific times before bed. Her teeth need particular care too so bedtime is a drawn out process. During the week we do meds at 6.45-7 then up to do bedtime at 7. Same time every day. At the weekend most of the time it's the same but if we are enjoying something together we don't do the hard stop at 6.45 and finish the game or the conversation or whatever first then doing meds at 7 and starting bedtime at 7.10-7.15. Other weekends we might go up at normal time but give an extra story as part of bedtime or have a longer chat whilst getting ready for bed extending it by 10-15 minutes. We never do longer than this but it is nice to sometimes have the spontaneity to enjoy a moment for a little longer whilst still keeping a routine and during the week it's usual times and nothing extra. It's not essential though a good bedtime routine sets them up for life. I'm bipolar and I didn't get a good bedtime routine down until my 20s and have benefited ever since! My bedtime doesn't vary by more than half hour except for a couple of times a year for Christmas parties and similar things.
My daughter thrives on routine in the morning. I'm not good in the mornings we every second is accounted for. Up breakfast then get dressed, teeth and leave. I have timers on my phone to make sure time doesn't start to drift and to keep me on time.
When we are out and about she listens to me and has never messed around. I think this is just her and not anything I have done. She is thoughtful and well behaved and I think she's growing into a wonderful human. There's nothing you have said here that would make me think that you little one will be anything other than a wonderful human too with time and space they will get the confidence to explore the world around them. They get this confidence with age (huge difference between 2 and 3 in this respect) and with a steady dependable and consistent care giver and it sounds like that is what you are giving.

What a lucky little boy. He sounds like he's got a good routine, knows appropriate boundaries etc.

All children are different, sounds like hes been taught manners and how to play by himself and how to behave properly.

I'm not a parent so please feel free to disregard, but I have a friend (who was a nursery nurse) who has two children a year apart and she had them in a very firm routine since they were born. This was especially important when their father abandoned them all when the kids were small.

They are now 7 and 8 and are by far the most delightful children I know. Best behaved, but also bright, intelligent and funny. They have their moments but they really listen to their mum and play brilliantly with other children. I'm sure your son is happy and doing fine!

Just reading your post I can sense so much love for your son, I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty for, you are doing your utmost to provide a stable, loving upbringing which is what all children need.

Kids have different personalities @Uswr10 I was basically a human slug and my brother at the same age a malfunctioning Duracell bunny.

Doing it alone is hard and having routines is not abuse. IME, bad parents all think they're bloody marvellous, too.

One of the things that happened on a walk recently was I shouted ‘jack’ (not real name) and he turned and looked worried and stopped in his tracks… my nephew was called at the same time and he carried on running off close to the road and laughing… it was hard to watch as I could see ds was immediately concerned but nephew was just confidently doing what he wanted. I know it’s good to have them under control near cars etc but it’s more the way they responded, nephew is such a free spirited boy

You sound like an absolutely wonderful mum. Children thrive on boundaries and reliable, predictable parenting. Tantrums are less because he isn't frustrated and knows where he stands with you and obviously feels very calm and settled. This is a wonderful springboard for him to develop.
Some kids are bonkers others are more sensible by nature, just like adults.
Make time to have fun together in your own way and don't compare him to other children as they are all so different. You're doing great.

This^^

You can bring in some more flexibility. Perhaps he can go to bed at 7.45pm or 8pm on a Friday or Saturday.

You're not strict. You have expectations that he meets and he will be happy about that because he knows where the boundaries are.

You're doing fantastically well. My da need structure and routine and is very well mannered. School
Say he's a delight and such a kind boy. He's very happy and he loves bed time snuggles and getting a story
From me

I think youve got two kids with totally different personalities.

Children do need boundaries and routine

If you have time for cuddles and fun it's not a problem

So long as you aren't being a helicopter parent and allowing some freedom for them to explore.

I know which kid I'd rather parent!

I think if more people parented like you, the world would probably be a better place. Keep going.

It sounds to me as though you have a child who is inclined to be quiet and easy going/compliant by nature. Because you don't crush a child's spirit and alter their nature by introducing rules and routine in a loving way. Some of the strictest parents have noisy children who struggle to accept instruction and some of the most relaxed have obedient passive children. So while your approach guides, unless you're actually abusive, you won't hammer a child into submission against their nature.

DD has been on a schedule since she was born and I’m quite a strict parent. Dd apparently doesn’t give a fuck. A lot of this is personality imo, she’s always been defiant, even if Dh and I tag teamed her. He sounds like a lovely little boy, you can encourage him to be more boisterous but honestly I think they come woth a personality that comes out regardless.

children aren't all the same. they are their own people too. it just sounds like your son is quiet. i was the same when i was a child, quiet, obedient etc. that was my personality. it's not because my parents did something wrong. it's just who i was (and still am to an extent)

Eyresandgraces is spot on. It’s down to your child’s personality. Your DS seems to thrive on your approach. With a different child the routine might’ve become a battleground. It’s worked so well because it suits him.