Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

You won't really know if you have done it right until he's much older. I have a very different parenting style to yours, probably more like your brother. I never cared if the rutine got disturbed as I prioritised us having fun. So if we were at friends for dinner it didn't matter if they got to bed a couple of hours later than normal or if they didn't feel like having breakfast in the morning they could do something else and eat later. Sometimes we had dinner or the floor or did a nighttime picnic in the garden etc. We slept in tents in the backyard and stayed up late with our flashlights looking at insects. These are some of the most cherished memories my kids have and I'm glad we didn't live to regimented, but that's because that just isn't our style. Some kids absolutely thrive off routine and knowing what's happening.

I think as long as he's not scared of your reaction if he does want to do something outside of his routine and you have fun and there is lots of love along the way he'll be fine. Just don't forget to make him feel loved and that he's allowed to get things wrong or have a different opinion.

i think there’s been occasions I have shouted, I can recall at least twice, probably a little more

Blimey, I had shouted at mine loads more than twice by the time they were 2.5!!

It sounds like you are a great parent with a lovely boy. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I guess you could just check that if he wants to run around or make a noise (providing it's an appropriate place/time) then you let him do that sometimes. But I agree with others it's likely just his personality. I have two girls, one preferred to draw quietly, the other preferred to run about noisily.

Don't worry OP. They often say naughty child/good teenager and vice versa. Your child might turn into a complete tinker when he's older so enjoy him being a good little boy now! I also believe that a child's real character will always show eventually and it may be that you just have a lovely boy who knows how to play the game and wants to be good! If he has fun and is happy you aren't going far wrong.

You are doing just fine and there is nothing wrong with what you are describing. You need your child to grow up sensible and safe and it sounds like he is excelling. ❤️

It sounds like you have done a wonderful job in difficult circumstances. There is not a creature alive that doesn’t benefit from consistency and routine. You have provided a stable foundation for your little boy and together, you can build on that foundation. I too had a difficult time when DC was born, for different reasons, and felt like I wasn’t “as happy as I should be”, “making the most of every minute.” I think that’s normal mum guilt. Look back over all you have done for him and with him, I imagine there is a great deal to be proud of and cherish.

You’ve done what we all try to do, and single-handedly!

I expect there’s a degree of personality involved too.

And just when all is going swimmingly with Dc, they suddenly throw a spanner in the works so we’ll all be here waiting when you post again to say he’s kicked his nursery teacher!

You’re doing fine op. It’s a messy, imperfect thing parenting. My only advice is do try to enjoy it a little more: there’s still time!

You’re understandably shouldering a lot of trauma from your ex walking out during your pregnancy. Life didn’t turn out the way you expected. But there’s nothing wrong with the way you’re parenting! Some kids just have quieter personalities.

Your post could easily be spun to say “OMG my nephew is so badly behaved, he wouldn’t know a boundary if it slapped him in the face. He doesn’t listen! He won’t stop running when called!”

Some people might think that’s a sign of a beautiful little wildling (🤮) so it’s all pretty subjective, isn’t it?

My experience: I have four dc's and two were the perfect children, did exactly as they were told and have even, easy temperaments, one was a little more rowdy and boisterous and one was an absolute shit at that age! All raised exactly the same way (and I'm a pretty chilled out and easy going parent).

Id suggest your ds is just more quiet/compliant by nature and that you're doing a great job. Things such as the strict bedtime and safety procedures are simple common sense. If we hadn't adhered to strict bedtimes it would've been bedlam!

You're doing fine.

I feel like using the term 'strict' might be doing yourself a disservice. It sounds more like you're very consistent and have a well established routine that makes your life run smoother, which likely has the knock on effect of you feeling less stressed etc... which will only have positive impacts on your parenting.

You are providing your son with a consistent and predictable life, which will make him feel safe. Keeping him to a schedule with bed and meals etc... won't crush his spirit!

One thing I will say, I was very rigid with sleep routines with my first, but was forced to be more flexible when I had my second because I had to factor in two children. I soon realised that the odd later night or missed nap wasn't actually as horribly disruptive as I thought and was nearly always worth it if it was for 'fun' reasons. They become more robust and their stamina increases as they get a bit older, so my advice would be to try and have a bit of flexibility for the odd fun thing that clashes with your routine.

I am a strong believer in children needing routine and boundaries. I believe it is what they need to thrive.

However even with the above children have their own personalities and push the boundaries at different stages of life. My second child pushed them far more then my first with the exact same upbringing (if anything more strict as had to fit into number 1s routine).
Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job or creating secure environment for him to grow and develop. Stop beating yourself up and enjoy your well rounded little boy!

I agree with this and your son sounds a delight. There's so much time and so many challenges ahead, that you'll look back and be pleased you've laid such a solid foundation for him.

I haven't voted because it's natural to worry about how we're raising our children, and none of what you're doing is unreasonable.

Please don’t be hard on yourself - it sounds like you’ve done an amazing job in a really challenging situation.
I really do believe all kids are different and have different temperaments. My sister has non identical twins (so have obviously been brought up in the same environment with the same parenting style, same routines etc etc) and they have had really different temperaments since literal babyhood.

This is part of single parenthood which I don't hear being discussed much - children have to grow up quicker. I'm a single parent to 2, and they are, compared to their peers, so unbelievably responsible, trustworthy and self-sufficient. I, like you, have worried that this isn't good for them, that they're not able to be proper kids, and that they might be suffering for it. As they've got older (they're now a tween and a teen) I can tell you that I was wrong to worry. They're such delightful kids, they get complimented all the time on how they behave and look after themselves (and each other and even me) and I no longer see this as a bad thing. And I've been able to ease up as well, a less rigid routine is necessary precisely because I can trust them, and we can have more fun because they behave so beautifully and I rarely have to tell them off. Stick with your parenting, and relax when you can, I promise it will pay off.

No, this is just Mum guilt, coming out to get you. You love him and he will know. All kids are different, just as all adults are different. It’s usual for children to be a bit shy and quiet at first in a new place. You’re doing a great job.

Complete agree.
Also with the next post.

4 children here.
First quiet and compliant, second a lunatic, 3rd even more of a lunatic, 4th an angel.
They were all in the same house.

You sound like a great mum.
Children are made to feel safe by a routine they can trust.
I was a stickler for routine, it helped me cope.
I have 4 fantastic young adults.

Trust yourself and your intentions.
You sound fantastic.

huge kudos for doing it all on your own! I think it's likely personality as we have also been quite strict with routine but our DS sounds more like your nephew in how he acts. FWIW I wish he was more like your DS!

I was raised by a single mum, I have 2 kids with my DH. I have a wonderful supportive partner, but also so much mum guilt! And I look at other mums/ kids and I think " why can't I be like them " and then the more I get to know them/ talk to them, I realise they have the exact same feelings too. We all put ourselves under such pressure and 2nd guess ourselves all the time.

All I can say now is that my mum was on her own and not strict at all, sometimes I craved for discipline and routine growing up. Now I look back and think just how amazing she was to do it on her own, it was her way of coping. We have an amazing relationship and I often tell her what a good mother she was and amazing to do it on her own, seeing as I struggle with a very supportive DH. And when she tells me how well I'm doing, it means the world.

The fact that you wrote that through tears,that you're that concerned about your son, speaks volumes to what a good mother you are.

How do your enforce your strictness? Through shouting or punishment? If so then yes, children I know where parents use fear to enforce obedience do tend to be stunted unfortunately.

If you simply have a strict routine and firm boundaries that you reinforce through consistent and fair parenting then your smashing it.

Totally depends on how you treat him.

You're being too hard on yourself! It seems you're doing an excellent job, and your little boy is doing just fine. Children thrive on structure and clear boundaries and schedules. I used to worry about being either too strict or too lenient with my children, but now they are wonderful adults who look back on their childhood with affection.

My little boy has significantly less routine than your boy, and he's super quiet and chilled compared to other kids. I don't think it makes any difference to their nature.
You've done an amazing job, raising him on your own. It's been awfully hard work for two of us, so I can only imagine how hard it has been for you.

It sounds like your son has a similar personality to you and likes routine. Many kids find it reassuring to have routine in their lives.

I’m a parent of 3 and they were all very different. My youngest is so naturally compliant that he didn’t go through terrible twos or a threenager phase and his teenage years were very easy- just a few years when he didn’t want to talk to me unless necessary. My other 2 were like your nephew but turned into lovely adults. They were more typical of their age but were parented the same. They thought that the youngest was the favourite because he was rarely told off but it’s unusual for me to have to tell him off. For example he never tried to run into the road - even as a one year old which is very unusual.

My youngest is a happy and popular young man now who adjusted easily to school. I suspect that your son will find the routine and expectations at school easy to follow because his home life is secure and constant too. Being able to follow the rules will help him develop friendships in the playground later too.

You haven’t squashed his spirit imho. Your son is the one that other parents envy when their child is having a bad day. I’m a single parent too and it’s easy to overthink stuff like this. I’ve wondered if my youngest will struggle in romantic relationships because he rarely fought with me which is ridiculous but somewhere my mind has gone to as I don’t have anyone to talk to.

You sound like a brilliant mum.

I have 3 children, same dad and raised exactly the same... they are all wildly different.

My oldest is ever calm, shows no emotion, easy going turns out they are symptoms of autism but he is high functioning and gets through life fine, barely seen, never heard (only speaks when he feels its worth making an important point). He is very literal and logical but so laid back he might as well be flat.

My middle kid will make noises 24/7, has never finished a thought or held his tongue, fidgets and bounce of the walls and lacks the most basic of common sense. He is the very opposite of calm, he enters a room like a whirlwind and leaves a trail of devastation. Everyone thinks hes adorable but honestly he knows how to push all my buttons at once, he is 100% the kid that if someone said jump of that bridge he wouldn't even stop to process that before jumping. Despite being the tazmanian devil he has quite a sweet, polite, friendly and gentle disposition though.

My youngest kid will sit clinged to me in silence for hours focusing on something but god help anyone that crosses her they will unlock the stubbornest 'I will do the opposite of what I'm suppose to do just to make a point' diva fit and if you try to make her do it when she decided not to then expect ear piercing screaming tantrums. She is fiercely independent in her thoughts and absoloutly won't be 'bossed' around. Like an angel and a devil rolled into one with a hair trigger switch.

Its all them as individual not us as parents, it may also link to nuerodiversities, disabilities, difficulties, MH (yes even young children can be anxious, introverted, nervous, obsessive etc...) and so on. Its all so hard to separate out but I bet if you have another you would find them completely different even if you did everything the same.

Some kids just love routine op!

My son is 5 now and although he's had his share of tantrums, he loves routine and structure - it was noticeable at school when he started this year!

Our weekday mornings are basically like clockwork, right down to him going for a poo at just after 8am before we leave! I can assure you me and DH are not rigid, military type parents, we're actually naturally quite scatty/laid-back but DS thrives on routine so we do it because it helps him.

You say he'd have probably run around etc once settled in - all good! Some kids like to watch and get comfortable before getting stuck in. Especially at 2.5 with an older child, like a pp said a year can be a big difference at that age.

It sounds like you're doing great. Just enjoy your little boy 🙂

Just sounds to me like you've been an excellent parent and as a result have a well-behaved child!