Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

OP you’re doing a great job, please don’t be so hard on yourself.

I have 2 DSs - my first was a quiet, well behaved boy who loved routine and boundaries, he’s now 16 and still quiet, well behaved and likes to know his boundaries! It’s just his personality, he thrives on order and knowing what’s expected of him. He’s happy, healthy and we have a brilliant relationship.

My second was brought up exactly the same and is a joyous ball of chaos and pushes me to the edge fairly frequently!

This!!

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job! Some kids are more boisterous, others not. You love him and he knows that, and he has clear boundaries so that he knows he is secure. Loads of kids don't have that, you should be proud of how you're parenting him!

One of my DC is like this and doesn't want to do wrong (not sure if that's the right word!). My other DC who is a toddler went through a stage of throwing herself on the middle of the road when we were crossing and do that dead weight thing so it was nearly impossible to lift her up!
Morning routine here is the same everyday, we have to do things in order otherwise we'd be late everyday. Relax OP, you are doing a fab job.

You can let him develop his spirit by giving him space within boundaries.
Take him out in parks, let him trample in mud, climb trees and splash in puddles. Let him ride bikes and read exciting books, dance to music and do messy art.
There's nothing wrong with strict boundaries but being strict all the time will have an impact.

Children are not blank slates. It’s far more likely that your son is just naturally more sensible and introverted, and your nephew is naturally more extroverted and impulsive. Like a few previous posters, I have one of each. With only a 23 month age gap, they have been raised exactly the same; same bedtimes, discipline, diet, activities etc and one was feral, the other calm and compliant. They are 14 and 12 now, and the wild one has calmed down considerably while the previously well-behaved one is developing some serious teenage attitude 😬😭
Enjoy your little boy OP, and please stop comparing. He sounds lovely and completely normal, as does his cousin.

Free spirited comes with its own challenges and it’s about personality not parenting.

Beautiful post from a beautiful rodent!

You are overthinking this massively. My cousin was a young single mum, and her boy sounds a lot like yours. He's always been quite reserved, calm, and pretty obedient - it's just his nature. Even as a 14 year old he's quite sweet and happy to do as he's told, and never gives her any trouble really. It hasn't stopped him from being a popular kid, great at sports, lots of friends.

Try not to worry. It sounds like you've done a good job with your little guy. Try not to compare him to other kids they are all different.

Philosophies, personalities and experiences differ. You bring all of these to your parenting (including crucially your son's personality). It'll grow and change as you and he do. It sounds like you're doing great to me.

Needing a routine is a solid, bulletproof reason to have a routine. The best reason in the world. Don't pick yourself apart.

OP all I can say is I wish more children in my class had parents like you. "Free spirited" CAN (doesn't always) result in a behavioural management nightmare . .

As he gets older, of course you will need to slack of at bedtime eg if you're both
going to a family party on a Saturday.

But a child not running rings around their parent isn't a child with a crushed spirit; it's one who knows the boundaries and expectations. And he will safe and confident as a result.

Just make sure you have time for fun - for both of you. Jump in that muddy puddle, do the finger painting and messy play. And then tidy up and get washed together.

Please cut yourself some slack and try not to compare your little boy with his cousin or your parenting with your brother's

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself! Routine is great for young children's development and there is nothing wrong with having high expectations for their behaviour. Please try and be a bit gentler with yourself.

Comparing one child to another isn't very helpful, as like with grown ups their personalities are going to be so different.

Age can make a huge difference too and is very dependent on the child. My daughter is 3.5yo and is a lot more challenging (i.e. pushing boundaries and not doing what she's told) than she was a year ago at 2.5yo. We didn't really have 'terrible twos' and seem to be having a more challenging time at 3.

Wow OP you sound absolutely wonderful as a mum. I think comparing DS with his cousin unfavourably is crazy as if a child won’t stop if you shout because of cars it’s way more dangerous. You have done a fantastic job. It is way better to have strong routines and boundaries where children feel safe secure and that life is predictable. Noone enjoys being around out of control shouting running screaming children for very long. Itis much easier to now relax a little, ensure there are loads of (non material) treat times together, tickling rough and tumbles, climbing trees, mad games etc because you have done the very very hard work of giving a consistent framework.

it’s only my opinion but have twoDCs and worked with children all my life. You-need to stand tall.

Congratulations on raising such a well behaved child. You should be really proud of yourself.

your son sounds lovely and you sound like a great parent x

You could have two kids and one be bonkers and the other be the calmest thing ever - trust me that’s what I’ve got! DS is very calm and quiet whilst DD was a total whirlwind of a toddler.

You are doing an amazing job, don’t second guess yourself.

I have always been very clear with boundaries and expectations with all of my children. They were lovely, well behaved toddlers and have grown into lovely, well behaved children (late primary aged now). I think a large part of that is personality… I’ve never really had to shout at them as they’ve never done anything that warranted it. I think they have also benefitted from routine, consistency and boundaries.

Maybe your SIL is jealous that her kid/routine is quite chaotic compared to yours so she’s saying these little judgy comments to make herself feel better? But I don’t think it sounds like you have done anything wrong. My DS was quite focused and serious as a toddler, he’s a really clever teen, still quite shy and serious but that’s just who he is. If you feel like you want to start having more fun with him, you could read the book Playful Parenting for some ideas. But it sounds like you have good systems that work for you both and have a toddler who isn’t a chaos monkey - enjoy it!

Sounds like you're doing a great job! Kids need routine and structure. He knows already what's expected of him and that's a good thing. As he gets older the routines and structures will evolve as he gets older and maybe has strong interests/ hobbies. Enjoy the calm household you've created.

I think we all beat ourselves up at some point worrying about what sort of parent we are. None of us are perfect and so we focus on the qualities we see as bad or need improvement. I can remember very clearly two occasions I shouted at my son, I have never hit him or been physical in any way but lost my temper shouting on these two particular occasions. Of course these are the times that stick in my mind and cause me up question my ability as a parent - not all of the fun, happy times when I have been a very good mum. The point is, when we love our kids we want to be the best we can and so focus on the bad points to punish ourselves and make sure we do better in future. The fact you are reflecting on it shows how much you care

So you have brought up a considerate, polite, calm and well mannered child. You have done very well!

My youngest son is like yours - he's 9 but comes across as very mature, sensible, quiet and hard working. It's just the way they are! He's very different to
My older 2 but same upbringing/similar experiences.

I agree that it sounds largely down to personality. Some children see life as a big adventure playground - walks are there to be climbed on, buttons to push and, if there's nothing around to fiddle with, they'll run in circles or make themselves so dizzy that they fall over. While some children very quickly pick up, and are compliant with, the social 'rules' that apply to us, and don't seem to have the same constant need for movement or are able to better control it to fit in with social norms.

I have a wall-climber and my cousin has a rule-follower. She is amazed that I have to hiss "don't touch that!" or "feet on the ground please" around 10 times an hour at my DS whenever we meet up. Whereas it just would not occur to her child to climb on walls rather than walk on the ground - he just wouldn't see the point. But he's a delightful child who excels at Lego, reading and many other activities. And to be honest I rather envy her his ability to walk from A to B in an unobjectionable manner, it looks quite relaxing for her 😅.

When my son was a toddler he had some friends the same age. Mine was really boisterous and barely sat still, one friend was very quiet, shy and clingy and liked sitting quietly doing jigsaws, another was also just quite quiet and self contained. All from 2 parent families and I think fairly similar approaches to parenting, all quite routine based. I am quite a quiet person, I just had a boisterous child. They are older primary now and mine has calmed down a lot and is in fact quite studious while the clingy child is much more confident than he was. I found 3 quite tricky with both of mine, they seemed to do a lot of boundary pushing. But I also was quite strict about things like using reins until they were old enough to reliably walk with me, I avoided anywhere where they would need to sit quietly for any length of time as they just couldn't do it whereas some people seem to just let their boisterous kids run riot..we spent many many hours in the playpark... I distinctly remember being in a cafe where a 3 year old was being allowed to wander around and very nearly went through the door into the kitchen which was just dangerous.
It's ok to have firm boundaries, kids like to know where they stand. But also children do just have different personalities.
None of what you've said makes me think you have caused any kind of problem. But it is important that you don't blame yourself every time your child seems a bit sad in future.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

The fact you're so worried and upset about this proves what a wonderful parent you are. It really is as simple as that. Routine and boundaries are great for children and I bet your son will say "my Mum would never have put up with that" when he's older watching his friends' kids run riot! It sounds like you have a great bond and you are looking after yourself as much as you are looking after him. Well done you x