Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

I'd agree with this generally. Children need love, boundaries, stability and safety.

He is 2.5 years old and as long as you also offer opportunities for him to explore, gain confidence and self-esteem/self-efficacy in the world then you haven't failed him.

I'm a very routine oriented parent and definitely more so up to 2 years old when things like sleep, eating, play etc need to be scaffolded. 2-3 I relaxed routines a bit and offered more independence and choice. Now DD is nearly 5 I'm relaxed things a lot more (keeping core things in place such as general bedtime, sleep routine, but more flex for days out and parties etc) and having a big focus on emotional wellbeing, confidence and exploration. She is well behaved and rarely displays poor behaviour outside but definitely has many moments in the house where she pushes boundaries and is expressing her opinions etc. I've had to relax a lot to support this, as too much strictness and rigid routine as children get older can be oppressive.

Your routines and child rearing sounds perfect to me - good routines and boundaries make settled and confident children - not many kids get this now and yours will flourish because of it - you are doing a good job - keep it up !!

What I read there was you have a well behaved son, who has boundaries and knows them. And you have been a present mum, who worries she's doing the right thing by her child. That's brilliant parenting. Don't you dare beat yourself up or compare your child to others. I guarantee there are mothers saying "my child doesn't go to bed on time... am I a terrible parent?" You're doing fantastically.

OP, I totally understand your worry. I have been there myself and have cried a lot over it.

I had boundaries and routines. I had too. Even though i was married for some of the time and in a very demanding job, i had absolutely no support and ExDH was an abuser. A sadist. Horrible man.

My DC were always called well behaved by everyone and teachers darlings. And one day, I watched them in group settings when kids were running around and some running riot, mine were sitting down, not jumping on furniture, not throwing food, not challenging, just accepting. They will ask before taking something to eat. They will ask if they could go play on something if they weren't sure if it was allowed. Most kids didn't ask. I got home and cried.

I worried i had broken their spirit. For days i was distraught, then I realised that my worry was not that I had been too strict but that sometimes my strictness may have been harsh and I could be considered a shouter.

They always had been (and still are) very loving and caring to me, and I them.

I had to reflect and be honest with myself. I became very aware of how i went about raising them - tone of voice, way i worded things, how I told them my expectations.

I still check-in with myself till date. My DC still remain well-behaved and express their different personalities. I still have boundaries and routine but I am very watchful of myself of how i go about this.

Two have gone off to uni and are thriving and are just like other uni students, out having fun, think they know it all and have built a better life than home but are still respectful, very diligent, loving and caring. They are truly lovely people.

My teenager is a typical teenager - attitude, rebellious, moodiness, staying in her room, cheeky etc but very caring, respectful, well behaved and studious.

My youngest in primary school is well behaved, a teachers darling, headteachers pet, respectful, always obeys the rules but is cheeky, first to find the loopholes in any rules and exploit them.

And i still worry i have damaged them.

A bit long but I hope it helps.

You sound like you have done a brilliant job with your son. It’s not a bad thing that your child listens to you, it will soon change 😂. As for bed times, I’ve always been pretty similar, the days are long and you need that couple of hours to yourself before you’re off to bed, it will be what keeps you sane and both of you well rested.

I wished my pregnancies away due to illness and with my second, I just felt like I could only deal with it all once she was here. It’s what you do now that counts, don’t worry about what you were going through during a hard time 💐

The fact that he is a charm at school and that they have no concerns speaks volumes. He’s not in your control then and he plays/ behaves appropriately. Stop beating yourself up. Also you’re questioning your parenting skills, that’s usually a good sign that you’re doing ok! We all want to be perfect parents, but life gets in the way - maybe relinquish a little control if you think you’re being too hard on him. However, unless he’s petrified of you and then behaving impeccably because of it (obviously theres issues there!) then I’m guessing he’s just a calm child that feels secure and happy. Enjoy this time it’s so fleeting.

You sound like such a wonderful Mum @ThankULord and like you have a great balance for your children. They sound lovely.

Mine are only little, but they are so different, and I believe they need parenting a little differently. What works for one may not always work for the other I have found. I know with my first, he needs black and white clear boundaries, with vocal positive affirmations. Sticker charts and little tokens work for my second, although didn't for my first. It is all a learning curve that's for sure!
I find communication is vital, and for them to just know that they can talk to me anytime about anything. We often have a little chat before bed about their day, and anything that is bothering them. Dh grew up in a very strict none communicative household, where it wasn't okay to not be okay. I am determined to be the opposite, especially with them being boys, talking about feelings is so important! I am doing my best while they're little so that hopefully they continue talking when they're teenagers. I kept a lot to myself growing up, couldn't talk to my Mum, still can't. I was viewed as such a well behaved child, but I wasn't comfortable talking to her, and I wouldn't tell her anything.

I am hoping I am creating a comfortable no judgement environment where they can always be themselves, and mot afraid to share their worries. God, being a parent is bloody hard!!

Your DS sounds a delight! How refreshing to hear a parent who actually “parents” their child! It sounds to me that you have done an amazing job. You give your child clear boundaries but also plenty of love and attention.

You have done an excellent job, setting up a routine all on your own and you need space when they go to bed to destress from the day. Developmentally you will see character of your child develop more and more, so dont worry about what you are witnessing right now. I am a child psychologist, perhaps if you wanted and not suggesting that you don't do this, but plan in more play time at home, like 10-20 minutes here, where you may roll around, messy play or even just reading together. This will build you bond more. If you still remain to feel detached, I would recommend that perhaps a little bit of counselling may help, possibly to deal with the how you felt about the earlier part of the this journey and to process any possible trauma you may have experienced. You are doing well and congratulate yourself on the excellent job you have done to date. :)

I agree with others that you have done a great job and don't worry. Kids love routine and the security of rules. I was super rule oriented with my DS and he is now 18 and happy and fine. I believe it's important to have occasional divergences from the rules as a treat, not from safety stuff of course! and to build independence as they grow by giving them responsibilty etc, but having clear boundaries combined with lots of love is in my opinion absolutely fine. There are rules out there in the world, we all have to get used to that.

You think you may have shouted twice? Mine are in a 2 parent household and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve shouted 😂.
please be kind to yourself, there’s no manual to parenting and you do the best you can with your circumstances.
unfortunately, many kids do not have boundaries and just end up being terrible adults doesn’t mean you are doing a bad job.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. There aren’t any handbooks that you can read through when you first become a parent that tells you how you should act. And children are as individual as they come, even siblings. No two children will ever be the same. Your parenting style works for you. You have given your little one a routine, a safe home, and more importantly, love. As they get older, you will find that your parenting style will adjust, especially as your child finds their voice. You little one will eventually try to rebel, they all do. They will try and see how far they can go and they become experts at pushing your buttons. But that’s just normal kid behaviour. You’re doing a fantastic job and I wish I had been more strict with my kids (14m & 9f). It’s tough being a single parent. Like you, I have an ex who my kids see, not necessarily regularly, but often enough, but as the primary parent, it hasn’t been easy for the last couple of years. People will probably give you advice, and not all of it will be good advice. From reading your posts, it sounds like you’re a fantastic mum and how your child acts as they growwill be a credit to you. I still puff out with pride when someone tells me that my teenage son is one of the most polite teenage boys they’ve ever met.

You should be proud that your child "knows his place". Too many children don't these days and it makes life a nightmare for others. Then they grow up with no respect for anyone. As long as you remember rules can be broken on an occasion then you'll be fine. ❤️

Children often have tantrums because they are out of control and don’t know how to regulate their emotions. They can feel scared in these situations and this can manifest in a tantrum. You’ve given your son firm boundaries and this has enabled him to feel secure within those boundaries. It’s not a matter of him ‘knowing his place’. Don’t be upset, you’ve done a great job. Children don’t come with a manual and we all have to make it up as we go along. No two kids are the same, even in the same family. What works for one might not work for another.

From what you've said you have parented your child how it should be done. Routine is great for little ones & having boundaries is good. Maybe try letting your DS have a bit more freedom when he's with others, encourage him to race around & shout if they're playing in the park for example & let him know it's ok to at times. He sounds like a lovely little boy. I wouldn't worry that you've damped his spirit, I'm sure as he gets older he'll start to test you & push boundaries, which again is very normal. Maybe if more parents actually parented their child as you do there'd be more respect shown from kids in general.

I feel like this could have been written by me. I was the same with my older two with strict routines (to the t) and they never played up had tantrums or behaved like other similar aged toddlers.
my youngest is part of a 2 parents household and is a different child. Tantrums, doesnt listen first time as others, laxed bedtimes etc.
my point is you are the parent you could only be - single parenting is so much stressful when parenting is a shared responsibility.
youve done a brilliant job and containment and routine is what babies need and youve provided that. You got this. Parenting when your heart is broken is the single most difficult thing I have ever done. So you doing brilliantly

I have two and they are very different - often I think we maybe have less impact than we think. I used to blame myself for a lot of issues we have had with one of them thinking I had done things wrong when he was little - turns out he is autistic and that explains the challenges we were facing. I also love a routine and while I have a DP he was away a lot when they were little so like you routine was essential. Sometimes I feel like I regret times when I could maybe have been easier going but that probably would have been confusing for them. Consistency is good. Have a single friend who could be very strict and I did sometimes think she could've been gentler but her DC have turned out so well mannered and behaved but also still fun kids so I am sure yours will be fine.

I worried I was too strict/rigid but as my parents didn’t set boundaries for my brother and he turned out a nightmare I didn’t want history to repeat itself.
My kids, for all the boundaries and regular bedtimes, seem fine and well balanced. They all found nice partners and have nice kids (who they’ve always let me look after) who also know their boundaries.
Not sure if the end result is down to nature or nurture, but I sincerely believe it’s better for kids to know where they stand. You’re not their friend, you’re their parent.

My sons are chalk and cheese.
I think you are a wonderful mum that needs to listen to what everyone is telling you.
My grandson is 2, and he is quiet and loves books. My other grandson, at the same age, still is always running about and interrupting whoever is speaking.
Sit back and see the difference in temperament between the two boys and accept that you have done a great job of parenting on your own.

Stop judging your child by other people’s badly behaved children.
Children need routine, they know where they are and that makes them feel safe.
Being a single parent is never easy but you seem to have done a great job

Yes, I'm sick of people judging ND, as "badly behaved." I have both, and a NT child is a walk in the park to parent in comparison. I used to think it was me as well, then d2 came along, who is NT, and god the difference! Weirdly in some ways dc1 is more chilled, though, and quite a laid-back little dude, who is polite, sensible, and follows the rules at school. Morning and evening can be difficult, though, because he has autism and adhd, gets easily over whelmed and suffers from melt downs. He also interrupts conversations, which is a common trait of ND, and we are working on this everyday. His younger sibling doesn't do this; it isn't some sort of parenting fail. Most of the time, you wouldn't know he had it, he masks, but when it comes out, it is tough. I feel I have to tell random members of the public, "You know he is autistic. He can't help it." People judge, it is what they do, and it says a lot more about them.

Please be as kind to yourself as you are being to your ex. You are keen to point out a good dad, and yet putting yourself down and doubting your abilities. I'm not saying he isn't a good dad now but you have done and continue to do the bulk of the parenting from the moment he was born, on your own. Take a moment to drink in these positive comments and give yourself some credit. You earned it.

You sound like an absolutely amazing mother. You’ve done everything right. Please stop beating yourself up. I’m a mother, a grandmother and a retired primary school teacher. I wish all children were parented as well as your little boy. He’s very lucky to have you for his Mum. ❤️

My eldest (now 17) was a lot like that. Very quiet, always went to bed when told and slept through, nearly always did as he was told straight away. I don't really remember him ever having a tantrum. Some kids are just chilled and thrive on routine. Even now his routine is like clockwork and I have nothing to do with it. My youngest (almost 3) is the complete opposite. She does nothing I ask, still doesn't sleep through and has regular public meltdowns. Middle 2 children are somewhere in between the two. I'm sure I was a bit stricter with eldest, but not by much. Sometimes they really do just have their own personality from a young age

You sound like a wonderful parent. Please don't doubt yourself, your son sounds lovely.