Have I completely messed up my child? I feel sick about it

[Uswr10]

Ds was an accidental pregnancy but I was 34 at the time and couldn’t bear not having him. I have always wanted children. Unfortunately my partner left me when I was six months, he didn’t actually see ds until ds was a 1 (a few days before his birthday). Ds is 2.5 and ex has been part of his life consistently since then but doesn’t have him overnight as he is a fair distance away. Ds recognises him and credit where it is due, despite what he put me through ex is actually a good dad and they have a great bond and ex is very keen ds has all he needs etc.

but here’s the thing… I thought I had really done my best to cope with what was an awful situation. Being left in pregnancy was the most awful feeling and i didn’t feel bonded with ds really in pregnancy. I feel sad I can’t imagine what it’s like to have full excitement rather than heartbreak and I now wonder if I love ds as I should?

I am in tears writing this. I have always done everything for him, I took a year off and have to date done every bedtime, every dinner, I worked hard to have a routine and tried to make things happy for him. I know I have managed well in a practical sense and have provided ds with all he needs and he is healthy and strong.

but… in doing this I think I became quite strict. I was on the dot with bedtime (still am) as I had no other way of coping alone, I needed ds to sleep and I was strict, not once has he been to be later than 7:30 for example, not even as a one off. I’ve had to be strict with him when going shopping etc as when you’re always alone and have bags or finding car keys and there’s traffic I need him to listen to me. This has resulted in 9 times out of 10 him doing exactly as I ask, if I say stop when walking he usually does so immediately for example.

a couple of weeks ago we visited my brother and his son who is a year older than ds. It struck me how quiet ds was, he was concentrating on playing and not running round manically (though he started to as he settled in to the environment). He goes to nursery and staff say he is usually a delight and they have no issues.

is my child just naturally easy going or have I trampled on his spirit? Have I been too strict? Have I made him like this? My nephew also doesn’t really sleep but ds will usually sleep through and rarely resists when I say goodnight. I worry how I have handled parenting ds has been all wrong and he is calm and serious because of me and he doesn’t feel he can be a child? I feel sick with worry that I have got this all wrong.

It’s important not to pass on your fear the boys should be physical and “spirited” Boys who are quiet and calm are as masculine as the active and boisterous ones. They are who they are and need gentle steering into people who can get along with their peers.

It sounds like you are doing very well indeed. Sorry you are feeling this way

It sounds like you've done an amazing job 👏.

I'm a strict parent with clear boundaries but lots of love and explanations. Not "Because I said so" like my dictatorial parents. As a result, both of my DCs have been well behaved and happy, they know what's expected of them and we've been able to take them anywhere with us.

My DNs were raised with fewer boundaries and they have more tantrums and don't adhere to rules imposed. As much as they are sweet boys, they are also unruly and it has limited the ILs in where they can go and no one else can have them overnight as they don't have a bedtime. This is a vicious circle of frazzled parents giving in to difficult children.

Anyway, don't worry. You're doing well.

It sounds like you have done a great job and have a fantastic child.
Thinking we've got it wrong is part of parenting. If you'd visited your brother and your nephew had been very good and done as he was told, and your son had been running around you'd be questioning your parenting for the opposite reasons. We can all only do what we feel is right. You have it harder as you don't have the dad around to discuss things with but it sounds like you're doing brilliantly

He is fine and you've done really well! Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're a good mum!

I just want to say you sound absolutely lovely. Your DS's spirit hasn't been broken, he sounds like an absolute joy. His teachers will be thanking you.

While I have never been a single parent, I have solo parented for long periods of times (dh working away). I was also strict with my 2 DS. Without it, I would have gone stir crazy. DS1 is very routine driven, DS2 to a lesser extent. Both are loving boys who get themselves up, get dressed without any drama and get their own breakfasts.

DS2 was a bit of an unholy terror between 3 and 4 years old so it might be something that is yet to come. He had previously been much calmer before that. Please don't worry or be sad. You're doing a good job under overwhelming circumstances x

If you can only recall two times where you've shouted in 2.5 years you are doing better than most of us. I have a 2.5 year old and do my very best to gentle parent - but I can recall twice in the last month alone. 🙈

Hi OP take it from an older Mum, if you cared for him with love (.which your obviously do) and set boundaries you haven't ruined his childhood or suppressed his spirit. My 2 both now late teen early 20's had a basis like this with the rules and routine loosening as they grow. They are good, sensible, thoughtful young adults who understand responsibility and rules but are still themselves and have alot of fun. Sounds like your doing a great job.

I've had 3 children, tried to raise them similarly. No 1 was a liability, and would climb on all kinds of ridiculous things, and run off. No 2 was a nightmare at bedtime and would wake No 1 to play.
And No 3 was incredibly easy for me to control, all it needed was a sharp "No".
I think they would tend to say I was more indulgent of the third.

You sound fine as a parent. He just has a very different personality to his cousin.

Oh god OP, absolutely not!!
The chances are that he is just very easy going! It sounds like you’ve given him a lot of love but firm boundaries which all the experts will say is the best way.
My DS is 7 and he has always been really calm and chilled but he is still a really happy little boy who plays and laughs and is really confident. He has just never been one for throwing tantrums or being over the top boisterous. I just feel lucky tbh that I had such an easy going child

Just to reinforce this, OP: I have 2 kids. First was calm, compliant, slept well, stuck to the routine and didn't have ONE tantrum. I thought I was a brilliant parent. And then my second came screaming along like a ball of fury, refused to sleep, eat, be put down, and tantrummed like nothing I've ever seen from 18 months.

My point is: I'm the same mum, with the same set-up at home. The only thing different was their personality. T

(My second is now the most wonderful teenager ever, so she didn't stay a ball of fury past her toddler years!!)

We all beat ourselves up as mums, don't we? I know I do. But you sound awesome and the kind of stability you have created will become the foundation for a secure and love-filled life. You sound awesome.

Besides, wait until he turns 3 😂

I think it sounds like you’ve done a bloody good job all considered. You’re only human and navigating heartbreak and first time motherhood at the same time would be hard on anyone. I also think you’re probably far more likely to notice the loud boisterous children when out and about than the well behaved ones but realistically it’s probably 50/50.

I was the quietest best behaved child, my mum used to take me on days out and beam over how easy I was compared to other children there. So easy in fact she decided to have a second and my sibling was like a wrecking ball despite having the exact same parents and upbringing… Completely took my mum by surprise 😂no additional needs for either us, just two naturally completely different children who have both become similar and decent adults!

I didn’t bond with my DC in pregnancy as I was so sick, I remember have a flash thought of I hope I miscarry then crying my eyes out I even thought it. I was so poorly and once they were born I still didn’t have a bond. It took a good 10 weeks to have a feeling of love (I wanted to protect them but defo didn’t love them)

I am strict with bedtimes as they didn’t sleep and it nearly broke me. I don’t think having firm boundaries is a bad thing around bed time.

You will reap what you sow; the older my kids have gotten the more I’m glad I was firmer when younger as a lot of friends kids are now struggling with parents trying to be firmer the older they got

It’s his personality, sounds like you have done a great job

Your child is happy and has a good life. So you are strict. You don't sound crazy strict to me. You sound like you are doing great.Give yourself a break. Enjoy him they grow so fast.

Honestly you haven’t at all. We sometimes aren’t strict with bedtime and always regret it later with an overtired child who then plays up.

the main thing is to be present, let him play and give him time when you can e.g if you are at a park having fun.

I'm on the stricter side of parenting with fixed bedtimes and expect them to do as they are told when out and about with me so I can get stuff done, they stay safe and don't bother others. I have two well behaved children but one is quiet and shy but with a lot of physical energy when she is comfortable somewhere and the other is often the loudest in a group of children and extremely outgoing. I think you are over thinking this and sleep is important for kids. Also one of mine slept well and the other didn't at all.

My son didn’t have tantrums at 2.5 and has had some since. They may still be on the way!

Sounds to me like you have a mix of a naturally compliant child with a placid nature and a very routine driven parenting style ( which is not a bad thing, routine is very good for children as they know what is expected and what is coming next).

One thing I would ask is, does your child look to you for approval before taking any action? If he does it is a cause for concern. I know a psychologist who said a child he was most concerned about was one raised by a very strict single parent and the child looked constantly for approval from his mother before doing anything. If your child is like this, you probably do want to rethink how you are interacting with him. If he is not, you probably just have a happy boy with a naturally easy going nature.

This is an excellent point also. My 3 boys couldn't be more different - but the quality they all share is that they are caring and considerate of others of which I couldn't be more proud.

Love your username btw - I've just bought dd Snorlax pjs for Christmas, he's one of her faves.

I think you’ve parented him very well from what youve said. Children don’t strive by being allowed to run riot. Sleep is important and the down time for you especially as a single parent is too! I really don’t think you should beat yourself up.

Make time for plenty of cuddles and story books together. Somewhere he feels safe and loved by you.

Im around the same age as you OP and although I haven’t experienced what you’ve been through I can understand how hard it’s been.

Your son will soon be older and chatting lots to you about all sorts and you will if you haven’t already feel more of a bond or love for him.

You sound like a fantastic mum. Kids feel most safe and secure when they have a routine and know what to expect and what rules are in place. I'm a foundation stage teacher and a mum & I know some won't agree with me but so many kids are so spoiled (my own included) & entitled. Their attention and listening is poor because they are up late and given a screen for large parts of the day. Behaviour in school is getting steadily worse every year because parents indulge their children. You sound like you are doing a great job. 🙂

Rules are one thing. Kindness or unkindness is another. OK so he goes to bed early. But before he goes, do you speak to him kindly, laugh with him, play with him, read to him?
Same with being obedient.
In the old days children were more obedient, and still are in other cultures. Doesn't necessarily means the spirit is trampled if you are kind to him and you have a strong bond. Also, might mean he is a reflective child, which is fine too.

DD was like this – her Dad died at 2 so a similarish situation in that I was solo parenting for a long while under difficult circumstances. She's 6 now and pushes boundaries like any other 6 year old! Don't worry, part of it will be his personality, and part of it will be that you have set firm boundaries – which is no bad thing. But to be honest even if it was, we all mess up our children one way or another, and having high expectations for behaviour is a very innocuous way to do so!