Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo surely if a child who always gets themselves up, falls back asleep, it signals something is wrong? Perhaps she slept badly, or felt unwell?

People make mistakes. Being this harsh and nasty to someone for making a mistake is insanity.

@TheGrinchIsComingToTown
“Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in… I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me”

But that is what OP’s DH said, and what OP is asking here. And I am saying that no, it’s not reasonable to say OP “should” have done it (she could have if it suited her schedule and she was wanting to be extra generous) and that it is DSD’s responsibility to be up and get to school with only light assistance (two wake up calls) from adults.

There is also nothing “incredibly harsh” as said above about saving a teen from missing multiple lessons but letting them be late to one because they went back to sleep twice when they knew they needed to get up. The school is not going to flog DSC, she’s not going to fail her exams. Whatever sanction the school has for being late to one lesson is a mild natural consequence for a mild poor choice.

Checking back to the original comment the phrase used was “you and DH could sit down with her”.
It’s interesting your recollection interprets this in a threatening way. Please be assured this in a community forum for chat rather than an academic journal or therapeutic letter. I believe the phrase was appropriate to general parenting.
Your interpretation is interesting but maybe exploration of the comment would be better suited elsewhere, rather than derailing this thread.

I would tell your DH that, as far as mornings and responsibilities are concerned, your cup is full and his is relatively empty.

So if he wants an adult to take responsibility for ensuring DSD is ready to go in the morning, he can get her up and ready before he leaves for work and she can sit at the kitchen table and revise/do homework until it's time for her to leave for school.

The 15yo will be off to college or uni in a few years. Making them be responsible for their own morning routine is getting them ready for adulthood. That is neither harsh nor nasty. She is 15 years old, and refusing to get up on a school day is not a mistake, it's a deliberate action. Yes, lack of action is also making a choice.

It's not nonsense to say that many teenagers find it harder to get up on time.

I did rather double down there in a way that wasn't justified, I'm sorry. It was the flavour I'd got from your post and I was initially trying to clarify, but have taken the wrong stick and run off wildly.

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo she's already responsible for it.

YANBU - my 15yo and my 13yo managed to get themselves up, ready and leaving on time and the most I do is knock once when I get up if they haven’t already gone down for breakfast. I don’t see how it’s any different if you’re staying at another house. If your DH wants someone to mollycoddle his dd then it needs to be him.

So some people think that the OP should make herself late in order to prevent someone else from being late? 🤔

I think that if she's on that tight of a schedule that she can't spare 5 minutes she's not telling the whole truth, because her kids could easily delay her by that much.

I also think that being kind costs nothing.

If she is 15 and not capable of getting up and ready, then presumably she has some sort of additional needs? My 15 year old (complex SN) couldn't either but we make sure we have a system in place. who is usually there to support her?

agree with you though, she has 2 bio parents and you have your hands full. Not your job.

You’re 23, right? How often have you been responsible for getting two small children and yourself up, fed, dressed & out the door independently? Or had to get a teenager who doesn’t want to be micromanaged to do something they need to do? Do you have much experience trying to figure out how to balance teaching a young person responsibility while also supporting them? Or dividing household responsibilities with a partner in a marriage?

I don’t want to dismiss you just for being young, but please consider that while the person you most relate to in this situation is probably the oversleeping teen, viewpoints and considerations shift dramatically and be come far more complex once you’re on the parent side of things.

As a parent sometimes the “kindest” thing I can do is actually let children experience low-stakes natural consequences for their choices. Being 10 minutes late for a lesson after going back to sleep twice is very much a low-stakes natural consequence for a choice.

I am late to work just about every morning because of getting my kids out of the door and me ready. A poo as you’re about to shoo them all out to the car, a primary school student having a meltdown about something in their day, or havinf suddenly remembered something they need and didn’t mention last night. being the last to leave meaning turning all the lights off and locking doors. I wouldn’t be ok with throwing anything else into the mix, parents often live with part of their life on the edge of chaos every day when you work and have young dc.

Who's the 'she' you're referring to? If OP the step mother, she woke up the 15yo twice - if the 15yo, she's not taking much responsibility for sorting herself out and getting to school on time.

I'm not sure why you're so desperate to blame OP and absolve the teenager of all responsibility for getting up, washing, dressing, and getting herself to school on time - after OP has TWICE woken her up. OP has her hands full with two under-5 children plus getting herself to work on time. Presumably some of OP's wages goes to pay the household bills which the 15yo benefits from whenever she stays there. High time DSD stopped adding to OP's responsibilities, and along with her dad, should do more to lessen the burden on OP.

Teens are bad at getting up. But they have to and have to do it themselves. I have two

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

I'm not blaming OP. I have never blamed OP.

I have said that this is clearly a situation that is out of the norm for OP's stepdaughter. She gets herself up and walks to school every day. She didn't yesterday - whether that be through laziness or something else, we'll never know because it's clear OP doesn't like her step daughter very much.

However I think everyone saying "she has to learn!!!!" is misguided. OP's step daughter clearly does know. She made a mistake. As I've said multiple times, if someone usually gets themselves up and then doesn't, it points to something else being wrong. I think OP was incredibly harsh to not help her out just this once.

I don’t understand where your assertion that the DSD usually gets herself up and to school on time without OP is coming from. Not only has OP said nothing of this being a one-off, she said at the beginning that she feels she’s always the one having to make sure the DSD is up. That suggests the DSD does not reliably do it herself.

@GravyBoatWars she mentions that DSD gets herself to school multiple times.

My DD is 14. She has her own alarm, prepares her own breakfast and lunch box. My only involvement with her getting ready to school today was to help her plait her hair as she likes a rather elaborate hairstyle that she can't do herself.
Otherwise it's up to her. When I'm working and DH is long at work, she does everything on her own. Should she be late for her school bus, it's up to her and she needs to bear the consequences.

@TheGrinchIsComingToTown OP only says that DSD has an alarm that she’s supposed to wake up to and that she walks to school.

That absolutely does not mean that the DSD reliably does this on her own and the fact that OP feels like she’s always having to make sure DSD has actually gotten up suggests the opposite.

Sorry for the late return to the thread. Thanks for everyone's replies.

Not been through every response yet but some replies

-- It wouldn't have necessarily made me late for work if I took her but it would certainly have meant me rushing more. The traffic is quite unpredictable round here.

-- It's not something DSD does all the time but she has done it before in the past however yes usually manage to get out of the door on time. Her mum gives her a lift every day when she's there so she probably doesn't see it as a big deal.

-- When I say DH leaves her to me I mean I am the one left to make sure she is up (9 out of 10 mornings she's here I knock on because I've not heard her get up when her alarm was due to go off), I'm also asked to make sure she's had breakfast, make sure she remembers PE kits etc... as if I don't have enough to do in the mornings with our two.

If you don’t want to be part of a step family set up then don’t get together with someone who has kids. It’s as simple as that really. To say you don’t even want to remind her of her pe kit shows how petty you are. You are clearly not a team player.

This is it. I think it’s fair enough to not drop her to school if she’s running late if that’s how you’d treat your own children as teenagers (lesson learnt and all that - I’m here for it). However, OP’s posts make it sound like the issue is more because she’s the step daughter and OP has “her own” children to take care of. You married into a family with an existing child. Why would she not also be your joint responsibility when she’s staying with you and your husband?

This isn't about the fact that she's a stepchild though. It's about her being old enough to learn some personal responsibility. Fair enough to impart that lesson regardless of whether someone is a stepchild or a bio child.

But this is always how it goes when stepparenting issues are aired in AIBU (and quite often on the stepparenting board too, tbh). A pp upthread commented that a stepparent has 'no rights' which is clearly the view of many, but this thread certainly shows that in lots of people's eyes that despite their having 'no rights' it's still fine to use stepparents as parenting workhorses and upbraid them for any perceived failure to coddle the stepchild. The double standards are quite something.