Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

Appreciate it’s very annoying and she is old enough to manage her own time. You also don’t want to encourage her to be late to get a lift - your husband definitely shouldn’t be having a go at you about it.

I do wonder if she was your DD and not DSD would you have taken her in or not?

Would he have had a go at you about her being late still then too?

I haven't
It is in response to the part where you said she should be treated as her own.
My mum would not have taken me if i had had two reminders to get up

i have teen DSC in addition to younger DC with my husband. I don’t think this is a step parent/ parent responsibility division. This is just about parenting teens instead of sheltering them from every responsibility and consequence.

Your step daughter knows she needs to set an alarm and get up. She didn’t. She was then woken by the adult in the house (a reasonable support for a teen) but she went back to sleep. You woke her again to make sure she didn’t end up missing half the day, but the appropriate natural consequences for a teen ignoring both an alarm and a personal wake-up is being late for school and dealing with whatever sanction school rules impose for that.

So no, you shouldn’t have driven DSD in to make sure she didn’t face any consequences for her choices and if your DH had been the one home he shouldn’t have either.

You have definitely misread my post.

It would have been unreasonable NOT to try and wake her up. But you did (twice) so I would say you were ok.

Maybe it would be nice to drop her off to school but that’s a “nice to have” not a “must have” - I don’t think you did anything wrong.

I think this is wild, because surely sometimes people help others as adults?

She needs one of these for Christmas

www.instagram.com/reel/DDmSL3POl8A/?igsh=NDVmZXN3bXV5cWlh

I completely disagree I have a very independent 16 son. An absolute blessing. No way would be comfortable with any army considering it appropriate to join

We know the adult brain forms at c. 22-25. Science has taught us that no 18 is not the magic age. Our young people would be in secondary here, final exams at 18. On to university or apprenticeships and reach work ready at 22.

I don't care if others finished school at 15. All research shows that age improves engagement with life. We life longer we should ensure we live better!

Brilliant

I read your post as implying if said teen was her own daughter she would have taken her to school
Have I got that wrong? Please enlighten me
The fact that child is a step child in my eyes is irrelevant. She needs to learn responsibility. Adult tried twice to get her up.

I was with you until you said a detour is 5/10 minutes! I think you’re being mean. I’m sure you’d take your own kids at 15.

Taking her to school likely would have made you late for work. Your DH needs to ensure she's up before he leaves.

The stepdaughter thing is a red herring IMO. What would the approach be for any form of daughter??

As soon as I went to secondary school I was in charge of getting myself to school. There was one train every hour and if I missed it I had to wait for the next one and be an hour late for school and deal with any consequences. In 5 years at that school I was never late because I missed the train.

Yes, there were some days that I was cutting it fine and had to be shouted at by my parents to get up and out, but I knew it was my responsibility to get up and get out. If I'd been late, it would have been my own fault, not my Mum's, who was busy wrangling younger children out the door.

OPs DSD should have learned a valuable lesson in getting up when she should, but if her DF has said to her what he's said to OP, all she'll have learned is that it wasn't her fault and someone else is responsible for her own actions and/or Daddy will defend her, even if she doesn't deserve it.

I see it all too often nowadays - kids being told off for doing something wrong and the parents getting offended that someone dared to tell their children off, rather than backing them up or giving the child additional consequences at home.

I have the misfortune of working with some people like that and they are no better as adults. Never admit when they're wrong, never apologise when their mistakes are pointed out in black and white and see any form of constructive criticism as just criticism.

It doesn't matter if it was OP's DD or DSD - she should learn that there are consequences to her own actions!

Which was exactly my (self-explanatory, I thought?) point:

Are you saying it’s not your responsibility as she’s 15 and should be doing it herself, or because she’s not your child? If the former, then YANBU.

Which, I think, is also your point?

I see it all too often nowadays - kids being told off for doing something wrong and the parents getting offended that someone dared to tell their children off, rather than backing them up or giving the child additional consequences at home.

Absolutely. And 10x this when DSC are involved.

OP did help. She woke her DSD twice. The DSD wasn’t going to miss an A level exam or an entire day of school, she was going to be moderately late for a single lesson. Letting kids face mild, proportional consequences for their behavior is an important part of their development into adults.

This teen is (hopefully) going to be in university or working a job in a few years time where there’s far less help available and consequences for not getting yourself up and where you need only get bigger, so right now they should have more responsibility and less minding than a younger child but less than an adult. Being woken twice but also having to accept school consequences for one late lesson arrival is appropriate.

Parenting means we don’t necessarily treat children and teens the way we would the adults in our lives because we’re responsible for fostering their development and growth. Natural, proportional consequences to their choices are a vital part of that.

@GravyBoatWars as I've said, I've overslept before and my mum has given me a lift, at the ripe old age of 23!!

It sounds as though the step daughter gets herself to school on time everyday. A one off doesn't need to be punished.

I hope that OP and her P agree that when their kid is 15 that neither parent should make sure they get to school.

clearly if OP doesn’t want to do it P should .
but if it’s all down to this 15yo to get to school on time I hope they are as hands off with their shared kid when the time comes .

They were all more than capable of doing both those things by the time they were teenagers and they did their fair share of the domestic tasks yes. I wouldn't cook a meal just for me and ignore the rest of the family but I'm not the only person in the house who can cook, clean, wash etc so I am not the only one that does so.
There's nothing wrong with children taking on age appropriate responsibilities and getting out of bed when your alarm goes off, washing, dressing and pouring yourself a bowl of cereal is not exactly setting the bar high for a young person in their GCSE years. In all likelihood they'll be living independently in a few years and the transition is a lot easier if they have been expected to take some responsibility for themselves previously. There's a balance to be had of course, but in my opinion, parenting teens is about supporting them into adulthood, and doing everything for them does no-one any favours.

That was lovely of your mum. And a few weeks ago my DH very kindly dropped what he was doing and rushed me to the airport to catch a flight because I had mixed up my schedule and didn’t get a taxi scheduled.

The difference is that I (and hopefully you) are grown, responsible adults who know that it was our mistake and our responsibility to begin with. If my DH hadn’t been able or willing to do that I would have been utterly in the wrong to blame him for me missing my flight or tell my client he had made me late. Instead I understood that I had made a mistake and he was doing me a favor and bailing me out. I was also extremely grateful because I have gotten to experience the consequences of being late before.

I think a lot of people are interpreting this as being a regular occurrence when OP has certainly implied this was a one off. I think not helping her is incredibly harsh, and as others have pointed out, hopefully OP will take the same approach to her own children

@GravyBoatWars but OP hasn't said anywhere that her DSD has blamed her. It was incredibly harsh to not take her

Not your problem. When I was at school nearly all of us walked. If we were running late there was no option to be driven in...we had to face the consequences.

OP tried to get her up TWICE, while dealing with a 2yo and a 4yo, one of whom was having a tantrum. OP also had to get herself to work on time. The girl didn't oversleep, she was called TWICE and had plenty of time to get up and get ready, she just decided not to.

In other families, the 15yo might well have been expected to help with her two much younger half-siblings, but in this family, her only responsibility is to get herself up and ready.

It's got nothing to do with being a step-child, and everything to do with being a lazy teen whose father takes no part in his family's morning routine. Poor stepmother has to do it all.

It was incredibly harsh to not take her

Utter rubbish!