Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

Well my 14 year old does…. So don’t talk nonsense.

Oh for goodness sake . The op says it was a fight, indicating first event, no other information to indicate it is ongoing repetitive occurrence. Being late on a single occasion is fine unless we are about to have the drip feed of a millennium.

Tell your DH to stop being a twat and he can ring his own dd to wake her up if he won’t be there.

You are the one who said OP isn't bio.

Your views are very black and white. The home is both OP's and her DH's. He absolutely should be able to have his DSD live with him or stay with him. What he doesn't get to do is co-opt OP into being default parent for his child.

and your view is
'not my kid not my problem'

As step mother she has no parental rights.

The DH has the responsibility here, not the OP who is also dealing with two young children and getitng to her own job. At 15 the DSD also has responsibility for herself. Perhaps if she gets a late detention she will set the alarm next time.

"Be kind", the usual instruction to women to put themselves second to everyone else, is covered by the OP taking the time to notice she is still in bed and go up to wake her twice.

It’s not weird it’s fact.
She did act like it but trying to wake her up twice.
If she’s too lazy to get up then her dad needs to start calling her to wake her up.

Just because they've argued about this this morning doesn't mean they haven't argued about it before or it hasn't happened before. Again, OP says ‘I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up’

This is a recurrent theme so OP needs to have boundaries. Giving DSD a lift just because she didn't want to get up would have been a terrible idea.

What about all the bio parents on this thread saying their 15yos are expected to get themselves up and ready for school? Do you think they're saying 'my kid but not my problem'?

All children (although she isn't a child), step or otherwise, need to start learning a bit of personal responsibility as they grow up. 15 is plenty old enough for that.

It's clearly not on if OP is responsible for getting 4 people up and out and DH only responsible for one.

The obvious division of responsibility would be DH gets the teen up before he goes and OP responsible for the little ones.

Is her dad making sure she is going to bed early enough?

Then he'll be late. They can join the army at 16 so I'm pretty sure they can handle getting to school at 14.

Quitelikeit · Today 12:34

Strictly speaking it is not your problem- however I assume due to timings you knew she would be late without a lift?
Im assuming this lift would not have made you late for work as surely your own husband would not have expected you both to be late?
If you have a child living under your roof part time I don’t think you can realistically absolve yourself of all responsibility for that child

How is OP absolving herself of all responsibility for that child, her 15yo DSD? OP states dropping off DSD would make her late for work. She also states she knocked for DSD twice, while getting a 2yo and a 4yo, one of whom was tantrumming, getting ready and getting out the door with them herself.

DH swans off to work early leaving OP to do everything for his three children and still get herself to work on time. Both DH and DSD are more than old enough to take some responsibility and play their part in the morning routine.

Yet another loser father leaving the parenting of HIS child to the skivvy aupair second wife.

God love you.
He does nothing for any of his children in the morning but bullys you about how well you manage your shared children and HIS daughter.

He's a real loser.

That is a disgrace, allowing 16 year old join. They are still kids! Why is everyone in such a rush to push teens to adulthood, they likely will live 20+ years longer when these rules were made they really need a rethink about value of youth in society.

We know that the brain is still developing thankfully we don't accept people here until at least 18+.

Do you not think DSD should be held accountable for her actions(or in this case, inaction)? She is either in Y10 or 11. Soon she will be leaving school and heading off to either work or college, which she will need to be on time for.

@schoolpop tried to get her to get up twice and had to get herself and her two small children ready. Why should OP be late for work?

15 yo’s are more than capable of getting up for school.

16 yo’s are more than capable of joining the army.

People are so keen to baby teens now. This is why so many of them just cannot function as adults when they’re 18

100% YANBU. How will she learn that her actions have consequences if she doesn't face those consequences. You sleep in, you're late to school. She has to learn the hard way that there won't always be someone around as a backup. Your husband has to stop pandering to her, she's not a little girl anymore.

I voted YABU but I think I may have misinterpreted your point. Are you saying it’s not your responsibility as she’s 15 and should be doing it herself, or because she’s not your child? If the former, then YANBU. But if it’s because she’s “only” your SDD, YABU and should be treating SDCs as you would your own when they’re staying with you.

Look him dead in the eye and tell him that the solution to his 15 year old being late for school lies with the 15 year old and her parents. If he wants to discuss this matter further, he needs to take this up with his DD and his DD’s mother.

How will she learn any responsibility parents and step parents run round after her.
Would you make yourself late for work because your daughter couldn't get out of bed? How would that go down with your manager? Imagine having an appointment with someone as a client and you're there on time but they're 20 minutes late because their teen was too lazy to get out of bed.
Step daughter or bio daughter she needs to learn! She's 15 not 5

How can he take her to school when he leaves for work at 7?

At 15 its up to her to get to school but I wouldn't not do it purely because she was a step daughter

I think you’ve misread my post.

I think it's the opposite - some people seem to be saying OP should be dropping DSD because she's a step-daughter, to make it up to her for her parents not being together.

Would you have taken her if she was your daughter?

We all oversleep, I can remember once when I accidentally woke up at 8:25. I had to leave for work at 7:25. Total balls up, my own fault, I forgot to set an alarm.

My mum took me to work, because it happens. I personally would've taken her.