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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your adult child was going through a difficult time financially, would you help them out?

379 replies

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 08:21

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

OP posts:
JustMyView13 · 16/12/2024 09:17

Yes.
If you can help then why wouldn’t you. Unless of course they’re taking the biscuit. But I find it odd that people have children then let them struggle on whilst living a comfortable lifestyle.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 16/12/2024 09:17

my parents are separated. My mum does not have a lot of money so I would never ask her for anything.

Chances are the explanation for both situations is here. He probably made the divorce/ separation hard for your mother. He has always seen his money as his money and he doesn't see the value in supporting others, ignoring probably the contribution that women bring to his life until he needs them.

Octavia64 · 16/12/2024 09:17

My parents never helped me.

My grandma paid for private endo surgery for me in similar circumstances to you.

I'm sorry about your cat and about your endo.

I have given my son a deposit and will do the same for my daughter and have made clear that if they have any problems I will help out.

Some people are like that. Some are not.

Original poster
Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 09:18

BeensOnToost · 16/12/2024 09:09

Based on your examples, I can only think that he judges your life choices or disagrees with them.

Perhaps he thinks spending 9k on a cat was a bad decision and that your partner should have been putting in towards the stolen car or that insurance would cover it.

Os there a chance he thinks your husband should be looking after you? Or did you disagree at some point about your career path?

I can’t see there being anything to disagree with. He loves animals himself and has two dogs who both have insurance so there’s no way he’d think that, he’d do anything for his dogs. (He once said the order of “people” he loves goes his wife third, me second, and his dog first lol).

me and my partner aren’t married, but we do share our finances so the savings are joint. If DP could suddenly make more money to help me he absolutely would.

OP posts:
YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 16/12/2024 09:18

Depends on the why and what for? My parents helped when they knew money was tight, I never asked, but they jumped in to do what they could. Some things are about personal choice and for that I'd think twice, for issues that life throws at you probably yes, for poor decisions and recklessness, not so sure I would help.

fromthevault · 16/12/2024 09:19

Of course I would, and your dad is not a nice man.

Nap1983 · 16/12/2024 09:20

I would never see my child struggle if i was able to help. My parents helped me over the years, mainly in my 20s.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/12/2024 09:20

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 08:21

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

I’d help on any way possible. Life can be challenging enough , if you didn’t have your family who do you have.

madamovaries · 16/12/2024 09:22

I would help. You never stop being a parent

HazelBite · 16/12/2024 09:23

Yes I have done. Me and DH are not well off, but I hate seeing any of them going through any difficulty that is not of their own making, or circumstances that are being made more difficult due to a temporary lack of funds.

PiperLeo · 16/12/2024 09:23

I absolutely would. As an adult child who currently could use help from parents, I feel very let down by them. I wouldn't ask but they are well aware of our situation and just say " aw that's a shame. You'll get there" it sucks

Onlycoffee · 16/12/2024 09:23

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 09:01

Thank you everyone for answering. I didn’t give my specific example just because I thought it would sway the votes, and I wanted to first know what peoples opinions are about this in general.

For my specific situation (in case anyone is interested) I am the daughter in this situation. I am 31 and my parents are separated. My mum does not have a lot of money so I would never ask her for anything. My dad is quite well off, has lots of disposable income. I’m his only child, he lives mortgage free and goes on lots of holidays a year, he bought a caravan outright, buys lots of designer things etc (nothing wrong with this in the slightest, I am just making the point that he lives very well and isn’t skint)

I don’t ever just expect anything from him. I’ve never ever asked him for money for clothes or anything like that, even growing up. There have been two occasions in my life where I would’ve really appreciated some help. The first one was that we had just bought a house, we didn’t have much money but we were managing by being smart with our decisions. Unfortunately, our cat got into a very bad accident. We had insurance that went up to 6k at the time but the cost of all the surgeries was 9k. We only had 2k left in our savings so had to use that and I was in bits over how we were going to find another 1k. I had a conversation with him but he never offered any help so I ended up putting it on a credit card. That was 4 years ago, the debt was paid off no problems.

I am now in a situation where I struggle very badly with endometriosis. It affects my life greatly and I am on the waiting list for surgery. They told me it’s about a 2 year wait. Each month seems to get worse so I decided to save up to go private in case I manage to save up faster than the NHS can give me a date. I so far only managed to save up a couple of thousand but our car got stolen and I have had to use my surgery savings for a new car. I rang my dad basically mid breakdown and asked him for the first time ever if I could please have some money towards this, even if it’s just the consultation fee. He said yes but every week he keeps asking for the money back. He says “don’t forget, it was a loan” and if we are out he says things like “you can buy me this drink, seeing as you owe me money” I am stressed out with it and wondered if I am being unreasonable. I spoke about it with my other family members and my grandma says she would help out if she had the means, but my cousin said my dads money is HIS money and it’s up to him what he spends it on. I absolutely understand this, but it does make me feel sad sometimes that he doesn’t feel the want to help me when I’ve been struggling

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Endometriosis is a horrible disease.
Yes it's your dad's money but I think as you can see on here it's NU to feel able to ask for help without it having over your head.

I wonder also if you'd asked for money for the car if his reaction would have been different? Does he understand what endo is and how it's affecting your life?

When he's saying you can buy him a drink etc are you taking that off the total you owe him? Because you shouldn't have to pay extra just for the privilege of him lending you money.

ThatFluentTiger · 16/12/2024 09:23

It sounds like your Dad is always going to be like this, he sounds very uncaring. I can’t imagine seeing my child struggle and not wanting to do anything I can to help them.
Ideally he would be different OP, but he’s not, perhaps just acceptance of this will help you so it doesn’t keep hurting you.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/12/2024 09:24

@Pekitothebunny can I ask did he pay the consultation or the surgery ?

Pancakeflipper · 16/12/2024 09:24

I would help.

I love them.
I would like to think they'd help me if needed.
Sometimes life is really tough.
Would hate a family member who I love to be struggling, it causing stress and if I was in a position to help out, I would (if genuine situation)

I wouldn't be throwing monies at everything though and being their spare savings account. Do not like free-loaders.

MinSpy · 16/12/2024 09:25

Porcuporpoise · 16/12/2024 09:13

That sounds really tough. It's really unusual though to be allowed to declare bankruptcy over a small sum, usually you'd be expected to pay it off, so I m guessing your circumstances were not straightforward.

Show quote history

My bank (HSBC at the time) were calling me daily insisting I pay back a loan and I couldn't pay it. They wouldn't let me pay a little bit a month. They wanted it all (I think about 8k). I got a bit of advice and was told HSBC (at the time) were the worst bank for credit companies to work with and the only bank unlikely to accept various types of monthly payments schemes. I was very young really and had no idea what to do. I was advised because it was HSBC to go bankrupt if I had noone to help me.

As an older, wiser person now I think at the very least my mum should have offered to sit down with me and work out what to do, who to contact, how much I could afford to pay back when, and what my options might be. She could have offered to come to court with me. The day I went to court to file for bankruptcy was the most shameful day of my life. I was terrified and I just felt so low and alone.

I'm in my late 40s now and have a mortgage and a house worth over 600k. 8k seems like such a small amount but at the time it felt insurmountable. My life did get better but I cannot fathom my mum's decisions and I would always help my children and never want them to feel scared and alone, even if they r adults.

BountifulPantry · 16/12/2024 09:25

Porcuporpoise · 16/12/2024 08:46

This would be the crux of the matter for me. I would expect an adult to help themselves first and foremost, not just coming running to mum with their hand out.

Show quote history

I agree. If someone came and said ok this has happened, this is my plan to sort it. I need to borrow x for bills in the mean time and I plan to pay you back £x every month for 12 months. Ok fine.

If they were the type who just lurched from self inflicted crisis to self inflicted crisis then sorry no.

DeedlessIndeed · 16/12/2024 09:25

Depends. I think if it was really a one off then yes. However, a sibling used my parents as an ATM for every little thing when they were younger. This was always supposedly for necessities, however they were spending frivolously a week or two later without repaying their debt.

I think there is a something to be said for adult children to make their own safety net. The earlier they get into that habit, the more comfortable I'd feel about them being able to face any difficulties after I was gone and no longer able to support.

LaPalmaLlama · 16/12/2024 09:27

Firstly, if I was your dad I would pay for your surgery with zero hesitation so there’s that . However, I’d possibly be a bit frustrated that the car wasn’t insured against theft hence me needing to bail you out. Also, I wouldn’t pay 9k to save the cat, whether it was mine or yours tbh. I feel like vets these days basically guilt trip owners into bankrupting themselves over animals when PTS might well be a better option. It’s likely not a coincidence that many are now Private equity backed.

HooMoo · 16/12/2024 09:28

I would help out. I would help out even if they’re not struggling eg. Deposit for house (already saving for our 11 month old!)

My parents on the other hand despite telling me how rich they are, moving to a £1m+ house in a very lovely city and retiring before 60 because they have too much money… no they wouldn’t help me. They made their own money and I respect that but they have this thing whereby I have to struggle because they did. They’d probably enjoy the struggling tbh.

Imbusytodaysorry · 16/12/2024 09:28

LaPalmaLlama · 16/12/2024 09:27

Firstly, if I was your dad I would pay for your surgery with zero hesitation so there’s that . However, I’d possibly be a bit frustrated that the car wasn’t insured against theft hence me needing to bail you out. Also, I wouldn’t pay 9k to save the cat, whether it was mine or yours tbh. I feel like vets these days basically guilt trip owners into bankrupting themselves over animals when PTS might well be a better option. It’s likely not a coincidence that many are now Private equity backed.

You would help your kids if it wasn’t something you agreed with ?
You would watch their car die because you didn’t feel the same ?

Cynic17 · 16/12/2024 09:28

Wouldn't it depend on the reason? If they'd frittered money away, then no. If they'd lost their job because of laziness, poor behaviour etc, then no.
Something unforseen, and not their fault, probably yes.

But, eventually, we all have to learn that the Bamk of Mum and Dad is not a bottomless money pit!

Flossflower · 16/12/2024 09:29

Yes, I would and have helped out, especially for your medical expenses.
However, your father probably thinks you are frivolous in the ways you spend your money. He may have saved for years to get his holidays. Years ago people didn’t pay for pet insurance and an animal was pts if it was badly hurt. Sometimes I think this is kinder for the animal too.
I certainly know that my brother always used to go on to my mother about how much money she had in retirement, while he was struggling with a young family.
You have to remember that retirement savings have to last forever and my mother, now in her 90’s really hasn’t got many savings left.

Original poster
Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 09:29

Onlycoffee · 16/12/2024 09:23

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Endometriosis is a horrible disease.
Yes it's your dad's money but I think as you can see on here it's NU to feel able to ask for help without it having over your head.

I wonder also if you'd asked for money for the car if his reaction would have been different? Does he understand what endo is and how it's affecting your life?

When he's saying you can buy him a drink etc are you taking that off the total you owe him? Because you shouldn't have to pay extra just for the privilege of him lending you money.

Show quote history

He didn’t know what it was, I had to explain it to him. I have explained how much it affects me etc. I do think maybe he’s a bit cold because I said I was worried about it affecting my fertility, especially as I am already 31 and don’t have any children (I didn’t say this to manipulate him, this was during an earlier conversation when I was first diagnosed). In response to this he told me that not having kids isn’t the worst thing and I can do lots of other things with my life, have new experiences, go on holidays, but myself nice things etc. obviously, this is true and he may just have been saying it to make me feel better. But I do feel like it tells me where his priorities in life lie, and that he would rather spend his money on these things rather than a child. My parents split up when I was a baby because my mum said her life changed and his didn’t. He left her at home with me while he went out living the same lifestyle as always. I just think he would prefer to spend his money on things for him and his wife than have any of it go on me. I thought I had made peace with this, but it still stings knowing that he knows I’m in pain and has the means to help me but won’t

OP posts:
user2848502016 · 16/12/2024 09:30

Yes of course I would help if I could.

My parents very kindly helped us with a deposit to buy a house, their rationale is it would come to us eventually anyway, might as well have it now when you need it. I know they did the same for my brother.

They also let my brother stay with them rent free for about 9 months when he was younger and was made redundant

I feel like I want to raise my DC to be independent adults but that doesn't mean I stop being their parent and I will always be there to help them if I can