If your adult child was going through a difficult time financially, would you help them out?

[Pekitothebunny]

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

Yup I would. My parents were never in the position to be able to help me and it’s always been important to me to be financially secure enough to be able to help my DC if they needed it. It had a big impact on me never having a safety net in my late teens/early 20s, knowing I had to rely on only myself.

Obviously a pattern of asking for money is a very different thing.

Hard to say on that amount of information

Depends whether the child had generally been sensible/hardworking. Depends why the job loss/expense. And depends how easily I could help. Especially if I was retired or in ill health

I would help my child as long as it was for genuine reasons.

In your situation I think I would rather take a loan out, or downsize if that was possible, than ask him. He clearly doesn’t want to help you.
Have you got a standing order set up to pay him back? As long as he’s getting his money back regularly he shouldn’t be hassling you .

Do you have a payment plan with him .
How much of the consultation fee have you paid back ! Maybe if he seen that paid back he would lend the bigger money ?
Also I don’t want to be that person but im going to say it .
You are out drinking with him when you owe him money . I don’t think he will Lend the money to you seeing that

He does come across pretty selfish.

Maybe if he seen you on pain or thought it was life threatening he would help .
I just have the feeling he sees you out socialising so doesn’t see it effecting your life.

9K on treatment for a cat is insane. What did they do - clone it or something. It is outrageous.

It depends. I have supported my kids through college and provided good support for a deposit. Whilst no one can see into the future and there are circumstances such as illness where I would support, I am generally clear that day to day expenditure needs to come from my kids. I see many parents who for no good reason are still paying for holidays, dentistry and even cosmetic surgery at their kids request. I do not think this does children any favours at all. I would encourage self reliance and then when I pop my clogs there is more to leave to my children and grandchildren.

RTT now.

We didn't get a pet until we had bought a house and had a decent savings cushion for precisely this reason. I have sympathy with your dad on that one.

Depending on the situation, I'd help where I could.

Got themselves into debt via overspending or gambling, I wouldn't help.

Job loss, emergency bill...etc, I'd help

Depends on whether you think your children should ever have to struggle or not and how much I suppose. I think it's normal for adults to have periods of financial struggle in their lives and it's part of what teaches you to appreciate what you've got and manage your finances well.

Some people spend their children's entire childhoods trying to cushion them from ever experiencing delayed gratification or responsibility for their choices. I guess those children do expect that sort of support to continue into adulthood. It is really noticeable on Mumsnet quite how strongly the community feels that children are perpetually entitled to their parents time and money and quite how hostile they are to the idea that support might need to be reciprocal at some point.

Fwiw I would definitely support my adult children with health needs but wouldn't dream of covering or contributing to their vets bills.

Yes definitely help if you can afford to do so and it’s genuine reason.

if I couldn’t afford it financially, I’d try to help in other ways - with kids, food, and anything practical lieo helping with job applications etc

Your are always your kids and I’d hope to be able to always love and support mine in different ways depending on what they need from us as their parents

My parent's helped me, and I help my adult dc if they need it.

To be honest, ds2 (33) is starting to take the piss and is in danger of not getting much more help. Only because I'm now a single mum, mortgage etc and I just can't afford to giving him £100 a month!

He is beyond evil. What kind of parent would buy designer shit and go on many holidays when their child was in pain and suffering and the money could be spent on an operation to solve that? Only an evil person would do that. I have grown up kids btw.

I would have another conversation with him. Calmly - not when you are feeling broken.

Tell him that you would like him to gift you the money for the consultation and the surgery. Because you are in horrendous pain and it’s causing physical and mental suffering. Tell him also that you understand that being childfree might have positives, but that your choice would be to have a child.

You are his only child. So there’s no suggestion of having to give more to be fair to others.

If he chooses to keep spending money on himself, buying lots of frivolous stuff, instead of getting your surgery, you will know for sure that he doesn’t really love you. You can emotionally detach and treat him as you would treat a receptionist. Politely, just arrangements only.

hope you’re doing ok with the endometriosis.

i think that as it’s a loan, you need to set up a regular monthly payment to come out automatically with an end date so it’s clear that it has been repaid. Leaving it I repaid without a plan and him asking you to cover drinks when out to “make up for it” is a recipe for resentment on both sides.

In some circumstances I would (boiler has died, deposit to buy first home) but in others I would be more hesitant.

As hard hearted as this sounds, I would not spend 9k on surgery for a cat, if it meant wiping out every penny of my savings to do so. I love cats but in my opinion vets are taking the absolute piss and owners need to draw a line. Likewise I would not generally spend money on private medical treatment for myself or others, because in my experience as a patient and NHS staff, it has to be provided within a certain timeframe if needed, and private treatment is optional rather than necessary.

Having said all that I am not rolling in money and every penny I have has been earned painstakingly, which gives you a particular perspective. If I were rolling in cash that had come easily to me I'm sure I would feel differently.

My parents would help out where they could especially my mum. My in laws would moan a bit but also help DH (they have shit loads of money so wouldn’t even miss a few grand).

I hope I would always help my children out in a pickle

For a spendthrift and casual overspender no. But for anyone else, not only children I certainly would as a one off. I can afford it and don't expect it to be paid back either, where the crisis is genuine.

On the couple of occasions where I did help out I did NOT give money. I made that a rule for myself for lots of reasons. Instead I paid their utility and shopping bills and filled their car with fuel, that kind of thing. Then they used the money they would have spent on their "issue".

He loaned me £200 and the money isn’t even spent yet. I am still saving for the treatment. I do feel like just giving it back to him tbh.

In terms of going out for drinks with him, he asks me. If he thought I shouldn’t be doing that and would rather me give him the money then why is he asking if I want to go for a drink with him? I don’t really drink though, and he knows this. So maybe that’s why he asks, because he knows it’s only going to be about £10 that I spend as I’ll only have two. He is a big drinker so he rarely suggests we do anything else

Same

I would help if I could do so comfortably. But I would be cautious about unfairness between siblings if one was always helped, and less likely to help if the adult child had a pattern of being reckless with their money.

I'm sorry he sounds dreadful. as an aside we have a lot of endo in our family - what did the consultant say? our daughter is on the pill constantly on advice from gyno to stop her bleeding at all and it seems to help

The instinctive answer would be ‘yes’ , you'd always want to help out your nearest and dearest. The more measured response would be to consider the reason for the financial difficulty, how frequent an occurrence, what the money was for.

Why?? You think I’m lying? It was 4 years ago and I paid the debt off and cancelled the credit card. I didn’t pay 9k.. insurance paid 6k and I paid the 3. I also didn’t realise vet bills can rack up that high, hence why he was only covered for 6k, I thought that would be enough. He had a broken pelvis, and a broken leg, had to go to emergency out of hours vets and stay in for a long time. It cost me £300 just to walk through the emergency vets doors. Two surgeries, plus all of the aftercare and X-rays to make sure everything was healing etc.

My parents did. We had a run of things which affected us financially and we had got to the point where even though everything was technically better we were just slipping further into debt. I'm not sure what would have happened without my parents help and we will be forever grateful.