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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your adult child was going through a difficult time financially, would you help them out?

379 replies

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 08:21

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 16/12/2024 11:07

And for reference, when ds lost his job we paid his rent (£4K) for 4 months. When he got another job he offered to pay it back but we said no.

Ja428 · 16/12/2024 11:08

TheGrinchIsComingToTown · 16/12/2024 10:09

@Imbusytodaysorry I've read the updates.

£9k plus interest is a huge amount of money to spend. If I had done that, my parents would refuse me financial assistance.

Nobody spent £9k
£6k was from insurance so not a “spend”
£2k was from savings
£1k borrowed and repaid.

The OP was right to borrow the £1k. Her cat had a nasty accident. Nobody should have a pet if they aren’t willing to insure it and help it when it’s been in an accident. Pets are not disposable.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/12/2024 11:09

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 11:04

I don’t get much out of having him in my life honestly. I mostly do it for the sake of my grandparents (his parents) because they would be heartbroken if I suddenly stopped seeing or speaking to him. My grandparents stepped up where my dad didn’t when I was a child (it was their house I would go to, my parents had shared custody, but on my dads days I would go to my grandparents instead and sometimes my dad would come to visit, but most of the time he would spend the whole time in the pub instead. Which has affected my view alcohol tbh because as a child I couldn’t understand why my dad preferred to be there instead of coming to see me. I used to tell my mum I wish beer didn’t exist so that my dad would want to see me).

There’s been a few times where I’ve thought… should I just stop putting in the effort? But then I feel sad at the thought of the tiny slither of a relationship that I do have, would vanish

Edited
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Goodness, he sounds worse with every post. Could you just see your grandparents rather than your dad? They were obviously very kind to you as a child, but they have still enabled their son to be a terrible parent to you. They could have stepped in to care for your during your custody visits to your dad, without putting any obligation on you to continue your relationship with your obviously neglectful and utterly selfish dad.

Dollybantree · 16/12/2024 11:09

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 11:06

No. He got married in Italy, but my grandad paid for me to go because I was 15 at the time so couldn’t afford it and neither could my mum

Show quote history

I've just seen the amount borrowed was £200??? And He didn't even pay for you to go to his wedding?? FUCKING HELL!

What a twat.

Lifeomars · 16/12/2024 11:11

i would help if I could and if I could not I would explain why

Lentilweaver · 16/12/2024 11:11

It just gets worse and worse. I cant imagine a time when I put going to a pub over meeting my DC.

I think your kitty is expensive but I am going to assume you need love from someone having got none from your dad.
MN always makes me realise what great parents I had. They didnt give me money but I had plenty of love.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 16/12/2024 11:13

I wonder if your dad is like mine? If we were in a similar situation he would keep reminding me about the £200, but it would be his warped idea of humour. He doesn’t understand when his words hurt. If I outright asked him for the money for the surgery (he could afford it), he would give it to me if I couldn’t fund it myself, but never in a million years would it occur to him to offer, whereas my mum would sell a kidney to help.

I think it may be time to be forthright and ask your dad for help. I would say to him that you are really struggling and you would be grateful if he could help you. Make it clear that you are asking for a gift, one that could change your life, but you won’t accept it if he is going to keep bringing it up, even in a joking way. If he says no then that’s it, if he says he will give it to you but it’s a loan then refuse and say you don’t want it to come between you like you feel the £200 has. It may startle him into action.

I am totally projecting my relationship with my father onto yours. My dad is lovely mostly but incredibly thoughtless (I suspect he is undiagnosed ASD).

of course your dad might just be a selfish dick, but I have a feeling you’ll know this already!

DiamondGoldandSilver · 16/12/2024 11:16

I would help my adult children financially, absolutely. I believe this is what family is for. But I have learned not to expect help from family members. My DH and I had some unexpected financial hardship that put our family in a terrible position. I was shocked that no offers to help were forthcoming from his comfortable upper middle class parents. Each time we raised how much we were struggling it was dismissed with a bit of an ‘oh well’ and a pat on the back. I thought I was going to lose my DH at one point because of the extreme stress he was under. I tried to be open with them about this because we were desperate and thought it was important for them to know, but they would simply minimise the issues. My DH and I got through it in the end, and he is in a better place, but I will never forget.

FeegleFrenzy · 16/12/2024 11:17

I pay pretty much everything for my 23yo Dd who lives at home rent free while she’s on a minimum wage job. She’s off abroad in a few weeks and I’ve paid the £200 travel insurance as it was so expensive. I bought her new glasses for her last month, her car needs taxing and I will pay that. Yes I bought her her car for 6k as well. I’m not loaded but we are comfortable. She’s back off to uni in Sept so I will have to pay her rent, etc for another two years!

IvyIvyIvy · 16/12/2024 11:18

Give them the option? "would you like me to help or do you want to find your own way through this? On one hand, I don't want to take away the sense of achievement and learnings that you'd have from getting through this experience independently, and one day you will need to face these things on your own, but on the other hand I am here if it gets too much"

Peony15 · 16/12/2024 11:19

Absolutely. Better to give with warm hands. My parents are old school, struggle = learn lessons whilst being very well
off and spending very little.
Some must get more joy looking at bank statements than physical
joy of a person receiving.
DH and I are total
opposite, so
are PIL. Much nicer to
help out it, especially in tough times.

Ohthedaffodils · 16/12/2024 11:20

A child is for life, not just for his/her first 18 years. Of course we’d help.

Lellojello · 16/12/2024 11:22

I would help yes. But I am aghast at you paying 9k for a cat, or rather going into debt for it.

Motnight · 16/12/2024 11:23

I would help my DD out financially if she needed it. I am currently putting money every month into a savings account for her to put towards a deposit for a flat.

I still remember 30 years ago asking my mum for approximately £300. We had just bought a flat on a 100% mortgage and literally had no money at all. She had hundreds of thousands in the bank. She said no. It was the first and last time I ever asked her for money. I was so hurt and upset. But I a) understood that was her right and b) realised that she was never going to be there for me in a crisis either financially or emotionally. It shouldn't have been a surprise to be honest.

SpringleDingle · 16/12/2024 11:28

as my DD has ASD and may have limited capacity to work as an adult I fully expect to be providing support - emotional, practical and financial even when she is an adult and am trying to save enough to do that comfortably.

BountifulPantry · 16/12/2024 11:29

Pekitothebunny · 16/12/2024 10:25

I’ll say it one more time. I didn’t spend 9k on a cat. I spent 3k. 2 of which I already had. I was out of pocked by 1k.. whacked it on an interest free credit card and paid it back.

it’s fine if you wouldn’t help in that situation. That’s why I’ve made the post, for other inputs. So that’s totally valid. But I just would like people to understand what I am saying. I have never paid 9k for my cat. He had insurance and I just had to pay the difference. If the difference was 5k or more that I simply didn’t have, then my outcome may have been different. However, I only needed to find 1k, and while it made things tight for a while, we knew we could manage it by being frugal and we paid off the 1k in 6 months and have had no further issues with the cat

Show quote history

No I wouldn’t help in that situation.

MrsSunshine2b · 16/12/2024 11:34

It depends- if the child is in a constant cycle of chaotic financial decisions and then expecting the be bailed out, I wouldn't.

If it was because of one or two bad decisions, but not yet a pattern, I'd help, but I'd insist on having a discussion about how they were going to avoid this in future.

If it was just a stroke of bad luck, I'd help with no strings attached.

SpideyVerse · 16/12/2024 11:37

Tel12 · 16/12/2024 10:17

I'd consider repaying the £200 to your dad. He's not going to forget it. He sounds quite mean and you don't need to be beholden. Have you considered Beneden? You have to be a member for 6 months but they will cover existing conditions after that. Cheaper than private insurance.

Hi, @Pekitothebunny
Just drawing attention to this point from Tel12 about Beneden in case you didn't spot it.
I just googled it and may use it myself. Perhaps worth looking into whether it will suit your medical needs? - I hope so, fingers crossed.

Vaxtable · 16/12/2024 11:40

I would help as much as I can

Cosyblankets · 16/12/2024 11:42

What did you get back off the insurance when your car was stolen and how much was the new one?
It looks like you don't have much of a relationship with your dad. Do you want to be beholden to him? Could you get s bank loan instead?

Pluvia · 16/12/2024 11:44

morningtoncrescent62 · 16/12/2024 10:04

It would depend on circumstances. When my kids were in their 20s I helped as much as I could. For context, I was a single parent since my youngest was a baby, I was on a low wage when they were young and then a student stipend, and it wasn't until they were secondary school-age and I was approaching my 40s that I was on a decent salary that allowed me to begin savings and a pension plan. For the last 10 years or so I've been saving as hard as I can, mostly towards my pension pot, partly so that I can retire a couple of years before state pension age, but also so that I won't be a burden on my children as I get older. The position I'm in, then, is that in principle I have spare cash that I don't need for day-to-day purposes.

If there was an emergency with either of my kids and they needed help I would give them the money I'm currently putting aside for savings in a heartbeat. But it would have to be that they needed it, e.g. to keep a roof over their heads and keep warm and fed. I wouldn't hand over my pension savings for either of them to have what I would consider to be luxuries. I appreciate we all draw the boundary of need vs luxury somewhere different, and maybe mine is quite low because of years of living hand-to-mouth and only just scraping by. But the way I see it, although I wouldn't see either of my children descend into real poverty if I could prevent it, I also want to be responsible for my own financial situation, and not risk being reliant on my kids in years to come. I don't think that's in their interests either.

This. Couldn't agree more. By our 40s and 50s many of us look to the outside world as if we're reasonably well off. We take holidays — but people don't notice that we go away at the cheapest time of year, or share AirBNB costs with friends, or always self-cater to save money. We may have a fairly smart-looking car, but many don't notice that it's 10 or 12 years old. Nor are they aware that we don't put the heating on if we're at home alone, that our neighbour cuts our hair for a tenner, and that we have lentil soup for lunch and egg on toast for supper because we're budgeting in order to be able to be independent during retirement. And it's particularly hard if you're a single person or a single parent.

Vaxtable · 16/12/2024 11:46

I would give him the £200 back, it’s simply not worth having it hanging over you. Then I would start to withdraw from him a bit whilst this is going on

i would absolutely give you the money if I had it for your operation if you were my child, I couldn’t see you in pain and distress. I would also have helped you out with your cat.

Have you considered getting a loan towards the private treatment, is that doable?

FrenchandSaunders · 16/12/2024 11:50

2025istheyear · 16/12/2024 10:32

I think realistically if you go down the private endometriosis route you are looking at 15k to 20k.

Ive just paid privately for my DD’s endo treatment and it was £5.5K. This included a consultation then the op and overnight in hospital. Stitches removal a couple of weeks later then a follow up appt a month later.

brummumma · 16/12/2024 11:53

It's a tough one OP - my parents have helped lots of times with emergency funds if something broke or a car repair....they never once offered any help with fertility treatments (which cost £40k in the end) - I think sometimes parents are a bit "funny" when it comes to that kind of treatment - perhaps because there is no guarantee of a fix unlike helping pay for a boiler etc

Does he like your partner? What the issue with the stolen car and why it's costing money? The excess?

Lavender14 · 16/12/2024 11:56

I think it would depend on the situation. If it was going to be an ongoing thing then I'd probably be trying to find a more long term way to help them which could be through advice etc making sure they had help to learn to budget and had all the income they were entitled to, if it was a single one off and they didn't normally need help with finances then yes I'd do what I can to help especially if they had children and the issue was a necessity but if if was an ongoing theme of mis-spending or similar then I'd leave them to it but if they had kids I'd offer to take on a child related bill such as to pay for a hobby or school uniform etc.