If your adult child was going through a difficult time financially, would you help them out?

[Pekitothebunny]

So if your son or daughter expressed to you that times were difficult financially atm due to something such as job loss or a big expense that they’ve suddenly had to pay for in an emergency, would you give them money to help, if you were able to? Or would you see it as their own struggle to overcome and deal with themselves now that they are an adult?

Of course I would help

No reason not to

We would definitely help if we could afford it.

If DP could suddenly make more money to help me he absolutely would.

I wonder if your Dad thinks that that is what should be happening?

He makes his own money & maybe thinks everyone else should.

That being the case though he could offer a loan to be paid back within a certain time.

He paid my mum £30 a month I think it was until I was 18

I voted you are being unreasonable because we can't assume every parent has the means to provide that sort of support.

If I could, of course I'd want to help, if it was a reasonable situation for me to help in.

I've just read your other posts now, and see the context.

Okay, so I wouldn't send money for a cat.

But I would help you with surgery costs. If I was able to, I'd give you the whole amount and never mention it again.

The fact that your dad keeps making snide comments about the measly £200, is beyond comprehension to me. I gave my DD £5000 a few years ago, for something important and I have never mentioned since.

Honestly, please just give him the £200 back. I think I'd say :

"Here is your £200 back. I thought it had been given in good faith, but you keep making comments about it, so I don't want it any more"

Then decline all invites to the Pub. Just cool it with him. He's a dickhead.

Your dad sounds awful. I am sorry.
I am saving every penny because one of my DC has a medical condition. I expect she won't be able to get NHS care in a few years. I will pay if she can't.

I am on holiday now but it's a very frugal one.

You don't need to respond to the people who haven't paid attention when skim-reading your posts. You were clear about the cat's costs.

Regarding your dad, I think he's unusual if you compare him to the type of man who actually took on the role of being a dad -whether living with the family or separated - but it sounds like he's never been "a family man". If he wasn't the type to spend much time, emotion or thought on his child when they were growing up then he's also unlikely to be the type to offer money. This is not about you, it's his failing. I don't think there's anything you can do to affect his attitude. All this talk about whether or not he supports your life choices seems like a red herring. You're doing normal things. He's not behaving like a normal parent. It's not you who should reflect on their actions.

Good luck with your treatment.

I would strongly consider helping for healthcare but the problem with this is that is it is unclear how much it will all end up costing.Consultation fee is pre-defined and he has paid for that, although the constant reminders is very upsetting. After that are the scans, follow ups, surgery, after care etc.

Cat - no. Animals can cost thousands upon thousands even with insurance. If you cannot pay for that without asking for help then you shouldn’t have a pet. That’s my (probably unpopular) opinion.

Did he pay child maintenance to your mum when you were a child? He sounds pretty mean and selfish to me. Do you see him often? Would you feel better reducing contact as his lack of care or concern for you is painfully evident?

@Pekitothebunny Being a parent doesnt stop at 18. In my opinion it never stops. If you have the ability to help your children out and they need it then you do it. Perhaps not for frivolous things but i think most parents would give financial assistance to their children for things like endometriosis.

£200 is pathetic and if that is all he has given you then return it and never ask for another penny from him again. It is his money but he is a terrible father based on what you have said. £30 a month is disgusting.

Honest answer.....what do you get out of having him in your life? I ask as any parent who can be as he is being i would question continuing a relationship tbh.

Couldn't imagine ever watching my kids, no matter what age, struggle with anything and not feel an overwhelming urge to do whatever I possibly could to make life easier for them, financially or otherwise.

He did pay child maintenance yeah, but didn’t pay towards anything else. I speak to him every Sunday because I either call or text him to check in. I would probably say I see him about 6 times a year? Once every few months. It’s hard because he works away always during the week and is only home weekends but the weekends are either spent in the pub or in wales at his caravan. When he is home on weekends he always invites me to the pub but I don’t really drink so I don’t get much enjoyment out of it. I’d much rather have a meal or just simply visit him at home. He never visits me at my house.

There seem to be a lot of threads recently where adults are upset their parents won’t give them free money.

If my DD was temporarily struggling and I could help her out I would. If it was a constant thing, I’d be helping her in a different way- with advice on how to improve her situation and live within her means (where possible, depending on the reasons for the financial difficulties). That said, no adult is entitled to parental financial assistance.

Well he’s never been a great Dad has he, so why would he be different now? You said yourself that your parents split when you were a baby, essentially because he was not being a parent. Did he want to be a Father? Doesn’t really seem like it, especially as he has no other kids.

I mean unless you spell it out to him (about the £10k holiday and how utterly hurtful to tell you about this when he “really does not want to go” when you could do with that money), I don’t think you can expect anything from him tbh - he’s an arse, who doesn’t appear to care about you any more than he does an acquaintance.

I wouldn’t bother with him much tbh.

ps has he ever taken you on a nice holiday?

What? Of course I would. Always, it's family! What a question, sorry don't mean to sound harsh, but it's family. All the best.

£30 a month is ridiculous. If he is well off now, he must have been earning a decent wage when you were a child. He doesn't have any redeeming features and I would cut him out of my life if I were you.

£30 a month!!!! What an awful man.

I would absolutely pay. But that's me/us and not your dad.

I think there is a difference between helping out with something like health and private surgery, and helping out as a result of bad financial planning.

We gave 1 DC a £4K loan towards a decent car (which was a lot more than £4k) as they'd bought themselves nothing but bangers and needed a decent car for work.
They paid us back at £400 a month which was cheaper than a bank loan.

One thing I would advise is that once you've had surgery- or even before- look into private health cover. It won't cover existing illnesses but in the long term it's worth it. At your age the monthly costs will be low. And that should be a priority rather than a cat or other pet.

We've always worked on the basis of topping up DCs if they have shown commitment to saving/earning.

I don’t get much out of having him in my life honestly. I mostly do it for the sake of my grandparents (his parents) because they would be heartbroken if I suddenly stopped seeing or speaking to him. My grandparents stepped up where my dad didn’t when I was a child (it was their house I would go to, my parents had shared custody, but on my dads days I would go to my grandparents instead and sometimes my dad would come to visit, but most of the time he would spend the whole time in the pub instead. Which has affected my view alcohol tbh because as a child I couldn’t understand why my dad preferred to be there instead of coming to see me. I used to tell my mum I wish beer didn’t exist so that my dad would want to see me).

There’s been a few times where I’ve thought… should I just stop putting in the effort? But then I feel sad at the thought of the tiny slither of a relationship that I do have, would vanish

I sympathise with your disappointment. I'm sorry your dad is tight and only seems to care about you on his own terms.

Honestly? I'd give him his £200 back. It's not a significant enough sum to be worth the aggravation from him. Then adjust your expectations of the relationship, ie you can't depend on him for support - emotional or otherwise - and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

I have endometriosis so completely understand your desire for a speedy op. I'm just sorry you have to wait. Sending support over the internet to you.

He was a selfish arse then and he's a selfish arse now.

I would always help my dc in situations like this, you're clearly not grabby. The constantly reminding you and making snarky comments about buying drinks sounds really nasty, I wouldn't want to be around someone like this personally.

I'd pay him back as quickly as possible and then reassess my relationship with him.

No. He got married in Italy, but my grandad paid for me to go because I was 15 at the time so couldn’t afford it and neither could my mum

Honestly as a parent I would do anything to help my child in life within my means. Regardless of if I felt it was justified if my child was struggling - whether they are 3
or 33 - I would help.

I also think it’s not unreasonable to expect that of a parent either.

some people just aren’t the same and value money over all. You can’t unfortunately change people. In these circumstances I feel the £200 is causing you more stress as it’s something hanging over your head. I would just give it back to him.

hoping you can get the treatment you need asap. Endometriosis isn’t seen as serious as it is for the suffers, which is awful. A friend of mine was told to get pregnant to ease the symptoms 🫠 helpful advice!

Reading your posts (and some of the replies) have made me sad, OP. I would help my adult child if I could — as my parents (no longer around) would have helped me. Your dad is telling you where you come in his life, and you’re certainly not a priority. But then it doesn’t sound as if you’ve ever been a priority given what you say about why your parents split up. I’m sorry; you sound lovely and I’m not sure your dad deserves you.