To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

@Disagreeable Why did you let him turn the movie off?

I imagine it’s pointless arguing. He will either ruin it with a row or just ignore, so OP would have to start a row. Either way, drama is created and the peaceful atmosphere ruined to accommodate what he thinks everyone should be doing.

@ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes he came in, saw us all sitting there peacefully and started with the "you don't want to watch this rubbish. let me find somethign better. sound good plan boys? i'll show you a great film from the 80s"

They do not know what the 80s are. But they are keen to please him and so they said they wanted to change the film. And now they're bored senseless and arguing with each other because he's picked a film that is both boring and inappropriate.

why didn't i argue? because then the two parents are arguing over something silly and the kids are stuck in the middle.

The peaceful atmosphere is ruined either way because there’s discord and ill feelings in the air. This behaviour should not be accommodated.

God OP, that behaviour is absolutely infuriating.

And he's turned off the Grinch cartoon to put on some early 1980s film from his childhood so our DC "understand proper films".

I find this so bizarre. If my dh came in and turned off something we were happily watching to watch something HE wants to watch I'd be like "what the actual fuck do you think you're doing?" (he would never do that in the first place, neither would I).

Do you just say nothing?

He's a real nasty piece of shit isn't he? What would happen if you start telling him "no" and standing up for yourself and your dc's a bit?

They do not know what the 80s are. But they are keen to please him and so they said they wanted to change the film. And now they're bored senseless and arguing with each other because he's picked a film that is both boring and inappropriate.
why didn't i argue? because then the two parents are arguing over something silly and the kids are stuck in the middle.

You could just calmly say "leave that please - we're enjoying it". You're teaching your dc's they need to kowtow to their dad's demands all the time and walk on eggshells to "keep the peace" and let him have his way.

Your dc's are already modelling the behaviour that keeping daddy happy is the most important thing and pushing their own wants and feelings aside in order to placate him.

Not good. And will likely mean them becoming adults who accept abusive and controlling behaviour to avoid confrontation.

Bullies should be called out, not given in to all the time.

I really think you are a large part of the problem here, you'd rather back down and stay silent than tell him "no". It's really infuriating to read, I can't imagine how difficult it must be living with him and having no voice.

Honestly sounds like your perception of normal/acceptable behaviour has gone, op. His behaviour really isn’t ok and it sounds as if you are under-reacting. Very normal after years of mistreatment but please try to hold onto the fact that it’s not ok and that you would be justified in ending things.

OP my old life was remarkably like yours. Confronting a bully over stuff like tv is horrible and escalates massively, so I hear you. If someone haven't experienced this awful, toxic twattish behaviour for years then it's difficult for others to understand how worn down you probably are. So here's to 2025 being your year. You will come out the other side so much happier. And so will your DC. As I said to my ex when I told him I was done, it's more harmful for kids living in and witnessing a dysfunctional relationship than it is coming from a split family. That's my opinion anyway. Good luck x

Everything is about him, me, me, me, like a child. Your boys wanting to please him is a red flag @Disagreeable , they're already aware Daddy is quick to anger, they already feel the need to placate him.
I know you don't want to spoil your DCs Christmas but as soon as possible after you need to give this marriage a decent funeral, it's already dead, certainly for you. He's seen his family behave horribly so he follows the same pattern, if you don't get your DC out they will follow his lead. Save yourself and your boys Op

Gosh he has well and properly ‘conditioned’ you.
Shame on you for not standing up for your kids.

He sounds like my father. There were 5 of us and I can tell you that not one of us escaped the toxic effects of being raised in that hoiusehold. Even into our adulthood you can see the poor choices we made with partners. My mother always wanted to leave but never felt she could go it alone with 5 children. I urge you to leave this toxic situation for everyone's sake.

Lundy Bancroft book discusses the advantages of being an abuser. Your boys are watching and learning how being abusive benefits dad.

OK. Thank you everyone for the comments - however brutal.

I'm going to leave this thread. I really didn't intend this thread to go this way but I can see that things in my life have got really bad. Last night me and the kids danced to Christmas songs in the kitchen and they were so so happy. And I think their little kid happiness blinds me to the realities of Hs behaviour.

Have lovely Christmases and I'll take action in January.

@Disagreeable wishing you all the best, high time you had some happiness 💐

@Disagreeable
It is lovely to hear that you and your children are having some Christmas fun.
Have a lovely Christmas and I hope all goes well for you in 2025 x

All the best, OP. You got this.

I hope Christmas for you and the DC goes as well as possible. All the best of everything for the NY for you all.

All the best @Disagreeable you'll do the right thing at the right time for you and your kids. Have a good Christmas and NY ❤️

I hope you and the dc have a very Christmas OP. Good luck with everything 🎅🏻🎄x

Mumsnet is where you come for a good talking to.

So many here have suffered from shit relationships with ghastly men, or been put through it by their mothers who inflicted these men on them for years.

The 'brutal' comments are truth, lived experience and honesty. Un-sugarcoated, tell it like it is, warnings.

Because so many have had it with seeing other women and children go through what they did.

All the very best, love, to you and yours.

You've got this OP. I had one of these and put up with it for far too long. It was mainly fear of the impact on the children that kept me there. I couldn't trust he would look after them properly - or at all - dexpite appearing to be a devoted father. We eventually split. I bought him a one bedroom place. We have an unusual set up but it suits me. He can come and go from the house - with some warning. I get the children 100% of the time and don't ask for maintenance. It's such an easy life for him. I didnt argue or blame him for anything just said we've grown apart then painted a possible future for both of us. He's happy but more importantly the children are. This will get messy if new partners emerge but I'm not planning on that until children have left.

You'll have more kitchen discos in the future, without worrying that he's going to come in and pour scorn on your fun.

Deep breath.

Hold on to the possibility of happiness!