To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

he will go for 5050

The likelihood is he will threaten this but probably won't OP. They all say this, it usually comes to nothing when they realise that will mean actually stepping up and being a full time parent for half of the time with no wife there to do all the crap bits.

Or he'll hopefully quickly move on and be too focussed on the new victim!

How is being now? Has he calmed down?

50/50? He can’t cope with your 3 year old for an hour!

As pp pointed out, they all say this. If he does, simply agree with him. I don’t know a single man who actually has them half the time.

My deadbeat brother turns up at my parents house with his dcs every single Saturday to see nanny and grandad. Guess who entertains them. It’s not him.

OP I really feel for you. Sometimes you only realise how bad your situation is when you look around and see that it's not normal.

If you can get through Christmas, researching the legalities and getting ready to give yourself (&. your DC) the best new year present; a life free of the unpleasant person you live with.

He may indeed be better with the children on his own after the dust has settled.

Good luck ❤️

I meant his time he's granted with the dc not that he would have them full time-sorry rambling now 🙄

@ForMellowWriter I didn't read what you replied before MN deleted it I'm afraid.

Good luck @Disagreeable it sounds like you know what you need to do. I wish you a Happy Christmas with your boys and a better 2025.

@Dollybantree yep, he's taken the DC swimming, and now is sleeping on the sofa. Acting like he didn't lose his shit yesterday. But all fine.

Tell him he's letting himself go, that you find it deeply unattractive, and that he needs to buck his ideas up 😀

OP I just wanted to say that you sound utterly wonderful. Smart, focused and determined. Look forward to a brighter year ahead without this abusive waste of space. I am cheering you on.

I can’t believe that you’re still with him. I suppose the DC have a lot to do with it. And people wonder why women look outside the marriage?
My advice would be to video his disgusting antics, maybe over several days. And then sit him down and play it back to him. Explain how you feel about his disgusting habits. How you worry about the image and example he is giving to the DC.
If that doesn’t work, threaten to post it to FB,
asking what your joint friends think about it.
Then, if that still doesn’t work, ask him how he thinks that his dreadful manners, and personal comportment, are supposed to be an encouragement to keeping a woman.

It appears to me that he has decided that you don’t require any effort anymore. That you’re his and there’s possibility of leaving him. Maybe he needs reminding of why he married you, what you saw in him, and what you don’t see now?

just my humble opinion.

This guy is clearly massively insecure and he's very aware of the fact that you are too good for him. At the moment however, he's fairly confident that you won't leave him. He believes that his constant negging of you will keep you right where you are. He's a pathetic dick, and you need to disabuse him of that idea.

There's a saying which, I am sad to say, I increasingly find is true:
Women think that he will change, he won't. Men think that she will never leave, she will.

He's probably eating food he's allergic to, or cannot digest well, and it's giving him gas. He should try taking some enzymes with every meal and see if this reduces his intestinal discomfort. What he really should do is eliminate foods one by one from his diet to see if there is a difference. Even the lying around on the sofa after eating indicates he has food intolerance issues.

Sounds pretty grim OP, this might seem a bit left field, but do you think you still love him? Do you ever find him attractive anymore? It sounds to me that you are hyper focused on all the bits you hate, in my experience, that's the beginning of the end..

The word ick annoys me too but even as a man, I could not tolerate that, the 3 girls in work constantly sneeze and cough (between them it's alot) and it drives us mad so to live with it would for me be intolerable.

Maybe they've got a cold.

Oh god. He just tried to have sex with me. Watching the boxing, paying me no attention, suddenly pulls me on top of him on the sofa. I said no. Wasn't up for it. He was embarrassed and then just saying "fine, whatever, I'm not bothered". He honestly thinks putting your phone down for a second is all effort needed. I am vowing in my head that I will never sleep with him again.

And they say romance is dead….

Ok, this is the beginning of the end.

If I'm right about his attitude towards you, he will try to get another dig at you, put you down for embarrassing him. If he cares about you this should concern him, he should be seeking to put things right and get close to you again.

Keep your head and get your ducks in a row. He may try to play games and mess with you, but you are stronger than him, just quietly get on with what you need to do.

My Dad is 72 and I have never heard him do thise things. BUT he is fit and healthy and on shape.
Is your DH overweight and leads a sedimentry lifestyle.
My DH is 41 and does not do any of those things. Again fit and in shape.

“suddenly pulls me on top of him on the sofa.”

My skin crawled in sympathy with you the moment I read this.
I hope you and the DC manage to have a lovely Christmas, and that you can somehow squeeze this whole, complex, and unsavoury situation in to a recess at the back of your mind for the next 10 or 11 days. Then pick it all back up in the NY.
Good luck, and I’ll definitely be thinking about you and how you’re coping.

I hope you really do find the strength to leave this situation in the new year. There are many wise women on MN who have managed to move them and their children away from abusive relationships. I’m sure they will come along and give you all the advice, help and support you need going forward. I also hope that you have people in IRL that will support you. X

Did you mean “sedentary”? I must admit, your post gave me a much needed chuckle 🤭

If you didn't react to the 'old' comment, that's probably what the tantrum was about. Prod, poke, goad - nothing. It's mummy, mummy, mummy .... waaaaaaahhhhhhh.

This is not an adult man's response to a situation.

He certainly seems to have stalled in childhood/adolescence. The gross behaviour, the stropping, the demands to be serviced, the disappearing to his room for hours on end.

I wonder what kind of upbringing he had? Is there a mess there, too (as you've mentioned yours was)?

I think it's time for an adult conversation.

Calmly set out the points you've made here to us (hope you've found this a helpful notepad for getting your thoughts out and ordered) about:

his physical unpleasantness
his sexual behaviour
his verbal abuse including the terms he chose to use
His insults
Everything that he has exposed the children to
His obsession with childish computer games
His inability to parent his own children

And tell him you agree it would be best to do as he suggested and for him to spend Christmas with his family.

You're panicking now. Going down the same route so many here wish their mothers hadn't taken. Staying together 'for the sake of the children'. What if what if what if.

Yes, he might say he's going for 50/50. They are his kids, too. They often do this, for control of you all. The fact you're the breadwinner and he's on the face of it their carer may well be a factor.

He has no idea what that means, though - and the reality of it would probably make him back off and hand responsibility back to you.

I think some real world experience of being separated could be beneficial. Help you all get used to a new way of life.

Otherwise - you have decades more of this ahead of you, and they only get more like themselves with age. Then the children will be gone, having observed what he did, what you put up with, as their role models, living their own lives and you'll be staring at him wondering what if I'd done the difficult thing and created a different life, a different path.

Get some professional legal and financial advice and step aside from the panic reaction and start thinking clearly.

@Disagreeable I hope you can ignore the pearl clutches telling you that you'll destroy your children's childhood by leaving this pathetic excuse for a human. They may not understand why you leave him, but they will be happier in a less stressful home.

As for him going for 50:50 custody, he might try, as much as anything out of spite to hurt you, but if taking them swimming has knocked him out and he needs a nap after that, he's not going to fare well with 24 hour solo parenting.

Try to get some evidence, even recordings of his unacceptable behaviour, and get some good legal advice, take your time and go when you are ready. Deep breaths, get through Christmas and focus on the children, then start your exit plan.

Thank you @MarvellousMonsters that is v helpful advice.

It's amazing how annoying he is. He's been out buying presents for his family while i'm at home with the DC; we have been on the sofa, watching the grinch, eating chocs, totally blissful.

He comes home, starts asking me "have you bought this or that for DC. oh why didn't you buy them (insert something I've not bought) - they would actually like that". Starts arguing with me about something. Ate a load of cheese straight from the fridge. And he's turned off the Grinch cartoon to put on some early 1980s film from his childhood so our DC "understand proper films".

And i've retreated to being on my laptop and doing housework.

Here's to a better 2025.