To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

he definitely does know how much I hate it. He thinks it's a 'me problem' though and that i'm uptight/unreasonable in my expectations. but yes, I agree about giving kids fab christmas.

He won't ever leave me. But yet he seems to dislike me, a lot. I feel his dislike for me most days. But he is also v clingy to me

It's a headfuck but I've resolved to not have sex with him, and to try and stay in spare room during christmas a bit so I can get some rest and not lie awake at night getting irate (and leading to posting for MN in frustration!)

Is he staying with you for the convenience (childcare and work around the house) and money that you bring in?
I'd think hard about that.

@ACatNamedRobin i think he is staying with me because he doesn't want to be alone or independent. He isn't interested in other women or going out. He has no interest in travel or his career. He just wants telly, video games, his phone and to be able to burp and groan in peace.

Basically to behave like a large child then, @Disagreeable.

Oh god. It's worse and worse. How can you bring yourself to have sex with him? My vag has clamped shut just reading your posts, it's gross.

I know you're concerned that if you split your children will be upset, but honestly, this is a toxic environment for them, not just that his gross behaviour is a role model for them, but because your negative feelings will be spilling over. Your children will grow up to be far healthier better people if you take this man out of their (full time) life, and as they get older you can explain to them that the reason you separated was because daddy's behaviour was gross and disgusting and rude, and his refusal to stop was disrespectful, and no one should put up with being treated like that. The short term upset will be a long term positive.

"as they get older you can explain to them that the reason you separated was because daddy's behaviour was gross and disgusting and rude, and his refusal to stop was disrespectful, and no one should put up with being treated like that."

I think you're making a lot of assumptions there.

The kids might actually grow up thinking that mummy destroyed their happy childhood over a load of nothing.

'Man burps in own home' is hardly seen as unreasonable behaviour in wider society.

_ _

Edit

I've just read all of OP's posts and him calling her a cunt in arguments certainly crosses the line.

Bloody hell. "Destroying their happy childhood" @ThisOldThang

I've been seriously thinking about the future and if I can be with someone who makes such little effort. But it's the guilt. It's the nasty, knotty feeling of guilt that just stops me in my tracks. Every time I think "that's it. I cant take anymore" as he burps on the sofa or asks me for sex while barely looking up from his phone, and then guilt takes over and as you say "it's a load of nothing"

It's so fucking hard to not feel I'm sacrificing the kids' happiness to get mine back

And comments like "destroying their childhood" just is so hard to read.

He has called me a cunt on occasion when he's angry. A bitch, a cunt, a stupid fucking idiot. But its the everyday stuff i find so hard...funny as the noises and whinges are. I find it so depressing to live with. Maybe that's makes me unreasonable.

@Disagreeable there is nothing unreasonable about the way you're feeling.

What's the alternative? You stay together until the kids leave home, at which point you do separate? Is that really "harm-free"?

My father, who was never anywhere near as bad as your husband, would still routinely do or say things that he knew upset my mother. He would also accuse her of being over-sensitive.

And although I do remember being upset at the thought of them splitting up, I remember even more strongly how much I resented him for being that way. Our relationship has much improved and he does have lots of qualities as a father but there's a part of me that still hasn't forgiven him for it.

Your kids might well be different but chances are, they notice what's going on, even if they don't understand what it is exactly.

Maybe if you can't work on your husband, you can work on your kids? And explain that it's disrespectful and upsetting to behave that way. "Imagine if I kept doing X when you have told me you don't like it. How would it make you feel?"

You're not even having a go about their father. You're focusing on behaviour, not the person.

OP. Come on now - read all your posts back listing how this man treats you.

What would you say to a friend? Your daughter?

You are letting comments like the above poster affect you bc you have been conditioned to accept poor/abusive behaviour in order to keep your family together like many women. Do you treat your dh anything like the way he treats you? I'm guessing you wouldn't dream of it.

One of the best pieces of advice I heard on MN when going through a difficult time was " you know the truth of your feelings and you just wanting to leave is enough". No one else has to live your life. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone. And you don't win a prize at the end of your life for staying in an unhappy marriage.

I know it's not easy to just leave and I think LTB is thrown around too much with no consideration for how difficult it is for some but you sound like you are in a good position to do so financially and have a good career. Don't feel guilty for feeling how you feel, no one in their right mind would tell you you're unreasonable to be utterly fed up.

I think I said as much earlier but in 20 years of marriage my dh has never done any of the things you've listed here, he's never so much as called me a nasty name. And he isn't some wet, submissive wallflower he's a pretty loud and opinionated guy! But he respects me and wants me to be happy. Your dh just doesn't give a shit about your feelings and it's no wonder you're starting to really hate being around him.

I wonder if a mention of going to speak to a solicitor in the NY might make him sit up a bit? Tell him how unhappy you are, and if he still won't change youll have your answer and maybe be able to make some plans.

I hope you found this thread and the conversation with your colleague therapeutic, I am sure a lot of women did.

Sorry. I wrote the original response without having read all of your comments. I did edit my reply, but I was worried it might timeout before I'd finished so I kept the edit brief.

If you're having arguments that descend into viscous name calling, then it's not a healthy environment for your kids.

My wife and I don't tend to argue, but I recognise a lot of her behaviour in what you've written.

The constant negativity and determination to catastrophise minor things, with an insistence that everybody else is dragged down into her pit of despair. Rudeness and derogatory behaviour.

A few years ago I made a conscious decision to no longer walk on eggshells or pay her constant moods any further attention.

We've all recently been ill with D&V + flu. It's been pretty shit and very messy, but ultimately it's just a bit of illness that will pass. You'd think it was the end of days... There was inevitable talk of Christmas being ruined, etc, so I cheerfully told her to phone her sister to tell her we won't be attending then. It turns out that things weren't quite that bad after all. Strange that.

You can't be responsible for another person's happiness, so there's no point allowing them to drag you down with them. Just shrug it off and recommend they speak to a doctor.

Since I stopped worrying about her happiness/mental health and desperately trying to fix things, her attitude has greatly improved. I think a lot of it was a form of control.

He has called me a cunt on occasion when he's angry. A bitch, a cunt, a stupid fucking idiot

Wow. The fact that he gets angry enough to call you a cunt etc. isn't normal in a good relationship. The outburst he had at you the other day, that's not normal either. He needs to talk to someone about his anger. Whether you stay around for that to happen is another story. I wouldn't.

We only get one shot at this life, don't be miserable when you and the kids can be content and fulfilled without mister fucking angry stressing everyone out.

I don't comment very often on threads like these but honestly, your unhappiness is so clear, and I just wanted to say that your children will be picking up on this. They will also be picking up on the names he calls you and the disrespect he shows you. So please do not feel guilty about your children if you leave him, they will be in a much healthy environment when you are free of this toxic relationship. For what it's worth I think he sounds absolutely disgusting and beyond anything I could cope with.

This is absolutely correct.
I've said this many times on here as have others, but my parents had a horrible marriage, the atmosphere in the house was awful and it was a relief to leave home. My mum had been guilt tripped into staying "for the sake of the children", but staying damaged us, especially my younger sibling. And my father wasn't even as awful as your H.

We sometimes don't realise how much children go along with the family life they didn't choose, and know it isn't a good family life but also know that all they can do is make the best of it. Then one day when they're older, they look back and think "that was horrible, I wish my family had been normal". People who had a happy childhood in a normal family have no idea.

The kids might actually grow up thinking that mummy destroyed their happy childhood over a load of nothing.

@ThisOldThang that was a devastating comment. Maybe think twice before you fire off things like that. At least read all the OPs posts.

Oops sorry @OchreDog quoted the wrong person! Will go back and amend. The irony 🤣

@FictionalCharacter does anyone have a 'normal' childhood? My dad didn't burp or fart - but he did bully my mum and act like a total dickhead most of the time - sulking, shouting, ranting away, making everyone bow to his anger.

But yes, of course I take your point - that we think we are concealing things from the kids and we aren't. And i'm so sorry for what you experienced growing up

There is no harm free option though. I disliked my dad hugely growing up and wished he would just fuck off. But I would have also hated having two homes, hated spending weekends with my dad without my mum around.

@OchreDog - don't know what you were trying to say but MN sure didn't want you to say it.

@Disagreeable there may be ‘no harm free option’, but surely it’s a case of BEST option? Or do you really want your sons to grow up thinking this is how men behave? Calling their wives cunts, burping and farting whenever, wherever? And you sit there in nauseated, martyred misery PUTTING UP with it?? Seems to me that your husband is an absolute horror, he may be their father but what an example he is setting 😱. As op have said, don’t suffer this ‘for the children’, they’re suffering too - from living in this ghastly relationship. Would you want a dc of yours to endure a ‘marriage’ like yours? Where the partner shows not one iota of love, respect, caring or empathy?

Yes of course people have happy childhoods—and that is their normal. I had one despite my sister dying at age six (cancer). My parents loved each other and were, and are, kind and honorable people who were not quarrelsome or demeaning to others.

Its not a question of one home good, two homes bad. Your one home is already broken internally. The children already have to negotiate bitterness, anger, contempt, mental cruelty, and disgust—just right in their faces all the time: in the hall, bathroom, kitchen, car.

Breaking up this unhappy home frees you to create a happy, kindly, safe space 50 percent of the time for them. That is worth a lot.

yeah - you're right - i was just looking in the mirror & H just said to my 3 year old 'why does mummy look so old do you think?'. Jokes apparently. my 3 year old just kept playing/doesn't even undestand it as an insult. but eventually one day my kids will understand how mean he is being. @goody2shooz every day is difficult. whehter it be groans and moans, or insults, or just so much distance between us. this can't be my life.