To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

Just on my way home from work Xmas drinks. Ended up talking to a colleague for ages. Turns out she is having an extra marital affair. Told me that is the way to do it "don't lose you kids. But also don't lose yourself"

I told her some of this conversation and examples of DH being gross and disrespectful. And she was like "don't lose your kids over this. Get your needs met another way. Ignore the idiot"

I think she probs regrets telling me so much. It's a crazy affair. Couldn't do such a thing

Why would you lose your kids if you left him, though? What about the damage to the kids, growing up in a situation like this?

The issues you're having are beyond "having your needs met", it seems to me.

That's true @glowfrog I guess she meant is ....don't lose out on 50% of your kids lives just because he disgusts you. Is there an alternative? I mean she's having an affair via Ashley madison so hardly ideal.

I agree about damage to DC. All options seem to be damaging to DC

I was just about to say that sometimes problems that can seem small and petty, often are a mask for much bigger problems, and then I saw your post about how you were being treated on the train. I hope you don't undermine the importance of your happiness anymore, especially when you already know how good you would be alone. I'm in solitude for now, & I do exactly what you were fantasising about ie the books & the films, & can vouch for it being blissful. Sometimes, people who don't want to make the break up move, push their partners into doing it by behaving badly. It can be a weird low grade torture manipulation ploy. Maybe that's not the case here, but he's creating misery for you. You have a duty to yourself & your happinness, & you deserve it. Or more peace anyway. I really, really hope you find the strength to do what is good for you.

I don’t think it’s automatically damaging to kids if their parents separate. Whereas growing up in an atmosphere of contempt and conflict IS damaging.

Ignore the affair advice, that’s just a whole world of trouble. Do take on board the advice to prioritise yourself for a while. Develop your hobbies and interests. Take time out for self care and spend time outside of his environment. If you aren’t in each other's space as much you may find him less irritating and when you feel fulfilled in other areas of your life, what he does or doesn’t do will bother you less.

I think it's important to live honestly. And remember you are modelling to your children what behaviours are acceptable. Kindness and respect are pretty basic in a relationship for me.

I left my ex when the children were young and the peace that I felt was amazing to me. I wish you well OP.

I'm glad you've spoken to someone about this but I think her advice is dreadful. The last thing this toxic mess needs added is an affair, and it doesn't sound as if your main issue is lack of "getting your needs met" unless that's the need for respect and kindness.

Hi Op I hear you I'm going through the same am absolutely sick of his shit, how he speaks to me, constant selfishness and the huffing and puffing. Don't have an affair, get yourself sorted if and how you can 💐💐

Weird advice from colleague. As if getting your needs met is your priority. Assuming she means sex? I’d say that’s the least of your worries.

If it was just the burping and gross habits you might be able to come back from that, but it sounds like he has no respect for you - calling you a c, belittling you in front of the kids. That’s a dealbreaker. Good luck OP.

Gosh the more you write OP the more serious it gets, he's vile and disrespectful.
Im equally trapped in an unhappy marriage and it's hard to know what to do for the best.

Or record it and just play it loudly sometimes! Our attempts at the same noises probably won't be as annoying due to not being as deep.

Men threaten to kill women all over the Internet, especially over the last few years. I don't find the patio jokes funny but if your crusade consists pf ignoring, say, all the death and rape threats levelled at gender critical women over the last five years, for which there have been convictions and police advice to hire personal security, and simply coming to a female-based website to complain about jokes like this, you've got no right to talk about double standards.

It's only ever women's forums that are expected to be Crown Courts of perfect justice, which is itself a stonking injustice.

the snot would give me the ik never mind the rest!

My wife is the same.

Her snoring is horrific. It slowly builds up to a violent snort that momentarily wakes her (and me) up and then she starts all over again. If she's not snoring, she's doing weird whimpering noises in her sleep or stops breathing due to sleep apnoea - which is then resolved with a similarly loud snort of breath.

You have my sympathies, but what can we do? LTB?

@happycolahappychildren "double standards". Don't make me laugh. You've come on a thread littered with examples of men with no standards - farting, burping, groaning their way through life, on a website full of examples of men betraying, lying, and abusing their partners. And you're going to pick up on one light-heartened remark as the thing to warrant a roll of the eyes.

You're right. This is typical mumsnet. Typical because it's full of exasperated women.

It might just be me, but I really enjoyed having some weekends to myself when my ds went to my exes.

Also - my posts last night - I may have had a wine or two. But definitely no affairs for me. That won't help anything. Sex is actually the last thing on my mind. With my husband or anyone else.

You are in a difficult situation. I would give the children a fabulous Christmas, then think about it after and plan what to do. Don’t rush into anything at this time of year. Hopefully you will get a chance to speak to him alone and he might not realise how much his awful behaviour has affected you. It’s not easy on your own but also not easy to stay. Good luck

Well, that made me laugh out loud...to myself in an empty office like a weirdo!

Sorry about that

Since I wrote it I keep getting flashes of various ex's doing just that and a little teehee to myself 😆

This made me proper lol 😆

You could imitate them all in an exaggerated way, really let go, maybe some loud farts too? 🤔

DH, is that you?