To hate the groans and moans

[Disagreeable]

Dh is 45. I'm 37. Dh in the last 18 months is just endless noise. I'm lying in bed right now as he's just groaning to himself. Guttural groans. His sneezes are so loud they make my toddler cry or me jump out of my skin. After dinner he lies on the sofa and then sits up and let's out a series of burps, groans and clearing of his throat for what feels like a good minute or two. He eats so quickly he hiccups during the meal so loudly but keeps eating regardless

This is combined with him never leaving the house and talking to me about prices in Tesco and whether the tyres in the car are safe (he checks them before we drive anywhere), I feel like I'm living with an elderly man. Maybe that's rude about elderly men.

I think I have the ick. I mean the word ick gives me the ick.

I have asked him to stop burping at least and he said he'd stop in frotn of the kids but he hasn't. He said I'm uptight but the constant noises is really extreme. In writing this post he has grooooooannnned about 4 times.

(Yesterday evening he had some snot hanging from his nose and honestly I felt sick).

thank you @pikkumyy77 - you are right of course. thank you. maybe i just started this silly thread to be told/given permission to leave. it feels so awful though. There will be lots of people who think I am destroying their childhood for not much as H is quiet, reserved, and a 'family man'.

I'm so sorry about your sister and what your family went through.

@Disagreeable this is your life. And imagine when your boys are older if they start copying their father - you’ll have a chorus of farts, burps, sneers and nasty comments at you as they lie on the sofa like a collection of warthogs. This will be your life - unless you make the change. He has shown you time and again that he won’t.

destroying their childhood for not much as H is quiet, reserved, and a 'family man'
I think this is part of the reason he feels able to get away with this behavior, he knows there's nothing you can do in response that doesn't hurt you more than it hurts him. There is no way that you can protect yourself without looking like the bad guy and being the person who has hurt the children, made their lives worse etc.

God, he’s a shit. Your latest update 😱You’ve married your father @Disagreeable

I noticed as a young teen the way my friend's dad and brothers treated her and her mum - it was absolutely learned behaviour. The disrespect, the mocking, the name calling, the refusal to do anything for themselves because that's what 'the girls' were there for.

You’re not destroying their childhood. Your husband is doing that. You are saving it.

@Disagreeable Your husband is destroying your children's childhood by bullying their mum and being a disgusting pig. Nobody would stand to live with someone like that. And your children will come to loose all the respect for you, he will make sure of it by treating you like shit and you staying in the "relationship". LBT to protect your sanity and reduce his impact on your children.

Thank you for your kind thought. I didn’t mention it because it still hurts—its fifty years gone now-but to say that people meet their lives as themselves. Bitter, mean people turn their lives to bitterness your DH turns everything to shit. Even a nothing moment like you looking in the mirror. My dh and daughters would tell me I look lovely. Because they see the world as they are, not as I am!

I do not know what is going on today but I am half working from home (last day, no boss online). And he was talking about something and I responded but also was just emailng someone so perhaps not as engaged as I could have been.

And then he says "why don't we spend christmas apart. I'll fuck off and I'll come back boxing day and take the kids to my mum"

I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. He says "you seemingly hate me so much I wouldn't want to annoy you any more"

We aren't even arguing, not even a cross word today. I didn't respond to the 'why does mummy look old' comment.

And now he is bristling with anger. I just walked past him and you can feel the rage coming over him. He won't even look at me

Its come from nowhere. So hard to work or do anything. My stomach is doing flips.

They sense when you don’t actually care anymore and start responding with silence or a blank stare or whatever.

He knows you’ve checked out hence the ramping up of the anger and abusive behaviour.

Id tell him “great idea, but you can leave the kids here- don’t let the door hit you on the way out”.

His behaviour is very similar to that of a 6 yo boy trying to get his mummys attention by being naughty and rude in order to get a reaction. From what you’ve said you are ignoring him and he literally can’t handle it.

He’s vile.

Detach as much as you can/grey rock. Take time to plan what is best for you and DC. Not sure who all these people are who will judge you for ruining your kids life. But fuck them. You and your children are important - not staying with an abusive areshole to avoid being judged.

He can obviously feel your understandable contempt.

Yep I would bet my house that he has read this thread.

Funny how it has come out in him being angry with you at him being a disgusting pig and not any amount of self reflection about his own behaviour and its part in leading you to feel the way you do........

yeah - maybe he has found this thread. or maybe he just hates it when i have work to do and he's gone really OTT about it. but it's like something flipped. i don't think he has found this thread. my phone and laptop are always on me.

also he said to me this morning that given he looks after the kids so much he would like a fully day during the xmas break when he is just left alone to play video games & not be disturbed 😭

@Disagreeable just agree that he can toddle off and be on his own. He is projecting - he hates you and is trying to get YOU to dump him. Help him pack, and book a solicitor’s appointment. On second thoughts, make the appointment and then help him pack.

@Disagreeable Are you safe if you stay in the house with him? Are the children at home? Please don’t be near him if you don’t feel safe.

He hates when you have work to do? The work you do that earns the money so the lazy selfish tosser doesnt have to stir his arse and get a job you mean?! He is panicking because now you have made it clear that are detaching from him, he knows that his easy life on the gravy train is about to come to end and instead of trying to work on the issues he is lashing out.

How the hell have you put up with this for so long? Please, make this the last Xmas you are with him.

Or better still say yes to his suggestion that he fucks off now and offer to help him pack.

Never mind the Ick ! it's how he speaks to you and treats you.

start getting your ducks in a row, I do not see a future with this pig.

He wants a full day to himself to play video games during the Christmas holidays - how old is he - 9 ?

Unacceptable in so many ways.

and

he doesn't even like you.

I believe the younger the children are the better it is that you divorce sooner rather than later, I guess if you've been together 8 years that the children are under 8 ?

adding to say I find it hard to believe he is 45

acts like 15

thank you all. this thread is keeping me sane. i'm totally safe by the way. 100%. he is livid about something but has never been physically threatening in any way. if i ever started to feel unsafe, I would take me and DC away straight away.