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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws have told us they are staying over on Christmas

199 replies

Sesame2011 · 15/12/2024 21:45

This year for Christmas, my wife and I are hosting her parents for dinner. We last spent Christmas day with them in 2021 (in 22 we spent it with my family and in 23 we were away on holiday over Christmas and new year).

I thought this year would be like last time, in laws would come over around lunchtime, we would do presents and eat and maybe play a couple games and they would leave early evening.

This year, last week, MIL has told us they are going to stay over at ours on Christmas night. We did not invite them to stay, they did not ask us. They told us.

They live a 15 min drive away and we assume they have decided this because they want to drink. (They are big social drinkers, we are not). As I'm pregnant, I told my wife I could drive them home. In laws do not know I'm pregnant but will find out on Christmas day. They know I'm not much of a drinker anyway. We saw them again today and my wife confirmed that I wouldn't be drinking and could drive them home. MIL refused and said that they would stay.

It really bothers me they haven't asked. It never came up in any prior discussions about Christmas day, it only came up last week when my wife met her mum for lunch.

AIBU that I want them to at least ask if they can stay at ours and not just assume?

OP posts:
SALaw · 16/12/2024 00:47

Well what does your wife say about it?

PearPartridge · 16/12/2024 00:50

Put itching powder in the bed

CandidHedgehog · 16/12/2024 01:22

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

Harold, they’re lesbians!

TheSilkWorm · 16/12/2024 01:32

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

Lesbians exist 😆

Moonlicker · 16/12/2024 01:48

It could save upset for the poster, who clearly isn't comfortable with it. People shouldn't be upset with someone for suiting themselves in their own house. We need to put our own needs first. Even just the discomfort around the drinking is something I can relate to. They can go home, or to a b&b.

Aquestionneeded · 16/12/2024 02:36

paranoiaofpufflings · 15/12/2024 23:02

"If they had asked we would have most likely said yes anyway. Even though I would have preferred they left, it's not a big deal. It's just the way they have told us."

If this is true then you are being ridiculous. Don't create conflict over something so small. Put down your sword and welcome them into your home. They are your wife's parents, your baby's grandparents.
If you would have said yes, be gracious and let them stay. My own family and my in laws have open invitation to our home, we want a happy family environment.

Yes agreed. If you would have been ok about it then surely let them stay? And make no drama or lumpy pillows about it?

They are 15 mins drive away from you if they want to be involved and active grandparents this will be invaluable. They are to find out about being grandparents. You have this knowledge they do not yet.

My guess is that you are worried they will want to "celebrate" the news, hence the alcohol and worried about ruining Xmas day. It's impossible to judge based on each family experience and what's normal.

By the way, I hear you keeping your news to Xmas day, but for me it jars, for very personal reasons. A baby comes when it comes and believe me I have some experience of this. I would never want to announce my pregnancy as a Christmas present. Just wouldn't.

Take the sting out of it and tell them on Xmas eve? They will want to celebrate I'm guessing, but you can hold it down to a couple of drinks because Christmas day would be a big day with loads of follow up conversations?

Fraaances · 16/12/2024 03:08

Pity you’re painting the spare room @Sesame2011… It’s such a tip in there! Not suitable for visitors. I’d tell them no way.

HoppityBun · 16/12/2024 03:09

Well I’d be irritated if I was just told, not asked, that someone was staying overnight. I understand people saying that you shouldn’t make a fuss as you’d have agreed anyway, but the way it’s happened is an imposition. Difficult to know how to make the point, though.

Isatis · 16/12/2024 03:27

The spare room already has really lumpy pillows and a summer duvet so I'm sure they'll enjoy their stay 😅

Surely you can organise some lumps and bumps under the mattress, and a few judicious holes in the window frame to create some nasty drafts?

Sonowimbackfromouterspace · 16/12/2024 03:28

Isatis · 16/12/2024 03:27

The spare room already has really lumpy pillows and a summer duvet so I'm sure they'll enjoy their stay 😅

Surely you can organise some lumps and bumps under the mattress, and a few judicious holes in the window frame to create some nasty drafts?

some nasty drafts

I bet she dreams of drafting a few nasty letters to her PIL.

FrowntonAbbey · 16/12/2024 03:33

PearPartridge · 16/12/2024 00:50

Put itching powder in the bed

Good grief. How old are you?

Tourmalines · 16/12/2024 03:35

It’s one bloody night. Stop being a grinch .

LAMPS1 · 16/12/2024 03:42

If your wife is as genuinely irritated by their plans to stay as you are, then surely she would have objected at the time they said it.

Seems to me it’s possible that your wife didn’t mind the way it came about at all. Maybe she even encouraged it in some way and was surprised by your reaction when she told you later. But is now reluctant to admit it as she feels she let you down by not getting your agreement/permission in the first place.

I would let it go this time and not draw attention to what seems to you like a discourtesy from them. It’s just a few hours and you can afford to be a little extra understanding I’m sure. You have a perfect excuse to say you are tired and go to bed early.

If your wife really objects to them staying or to the way it came about, I’m sure she will take it upon herself to do something about it anyway.

babyproblems · 16/12/2024 04:50

You could try and see it as they clearly feel comfortable enough with you that it isn’t wierd or cheeky of them (in their minds!) to stay over et yours.. take it as a compliment. It’s Christmas so I do think it the one occasion it might be most appropriate to let it go.. there’s no point in making a big fuss if you don’t actually mind them and there’s no history of awful-ness. Maybe they’ve twigged you’re pregnant and want to celebrate with you both x

Thursdaygirl · 16/12/2024 06:54

People get obsessed with overnighting at Christmas. As they live so close, there is no need for them to stay

TubeScreamer · 16/12/2024 07:44

It is strange that they want to do this and that they said rather than asked, but it probably means that they really enjoy being with you.

Perhaps they find your driving scary? Or feel that they wouldn’t want to put you out driving them home late at night when you are pregnant,

I don’t think there’s much you can do other than make the best of it.

Nolegusta · 16/12/2024 07:52

Sesame2011 · 15/12/2024 21:45

This year for Christmas, my wife and I are hosting her parents for dinner. We last spent Christmas day with them in 2021 (in 22 we spent it with my family and in 23 we were away on holiday over Christmas and new year).

I thought this year would be like last time, in laws would come over around lunchtime, we would do presents and eat and maybe play a couple games and they would leave early evening.

This year, last week, MIL has told us they are going to stay over at ours on Christmas night. We did not invite them to stay, they did not ask us. They told us.

They live a 15 min drive away and we assume they have decided this because they want to drink. (They are big social drinkers, we are not). As I'm pregnant, I told my wife I could drive them home. In laws do not know I'm pregnant but will find out on Christmas day. They know I'm not much of a drinker anyway. We saw them again today and my wife confirmed that I wouldn't be drinking and could drive them home. MIL refused and said that they would stay.

It really bothers me they haven't asked. It never came up in any prior discussions about Christmas day, it only came up last week when my wife met her mum for lunch.

AIBU that I want them to at least ask if they can stay at ours and not just assume?

Hi Mum and Dad, There seems to be some confusion about Christmas arrangements this year. You're invited and more than welcome to come over during the day, but we will just be chilling ourselves at night. We won't be drinking during the day and so one of us, probably [insert partner's name], will be taking you back home in the evening.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/12/2024 07:52

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

Please tell me you're joking!

thepariscrimefiles · 16/12/2024 07:56

Businessflake · 15/12/2024 22:30

I can’t imagine telling my parents they weren’t welcome to stay, which is what you are expecting your wife to to. I assume your wife spent 18+ years staying at theirs without asking?

Setting aside the obvious fact that parents are legally required to house the children they bring into the world unless they give them up for adoption, this is OP's house as well and she has a say in whether her in-laws can stay overnight.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 16/12/2024 08:14

Why can’t they stay?

Nolegusta · 16/12/2024 08:16

Jackiepumpkinhead · 16/12/2024 08:14

Why can’t they stay?

They weren't invited?

Createausername1970 · 16/12/2024 08:21

Clafoutie · 15/12/2024 23:40

Cynical attempt to convey homophobic views? It seems rather inconceivable that you are genuinely confused. I’m surprised your comment has not been removed

Show quote history

So am I, but I am enjoying the responses 🎄

Createausername1970 · 16/12/2024 08:25

OP, that's massively rude of them, and I would be annoyed. But I would let it go this time.

You have a child on the way so help from grandparents will be welcome, I guess, so I would take the long view. Maybe you can tell them that little one will be staying over one night - especially when little one is teething and both you and your wife need some sleep!!

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 16/12/2024 08:31

Sesame2011 · 15/12/2024 21:45

This year for Christmas, my wife and I are hosting her parents for dinner. We last spent Christmas day with them in 2021 (in 22 we spent it with my family and in 23 we were away on holiday over Christmas and new year).

I thought this year would be like last time, in laws would come over around lunchtime, we would do presents and eat and maybe play a couple games and they would leave early evening.

This year, last week, MIL has told us they are going to stay over at ours on Christmas night. We did not invite them to stay, they did not ask us. They told us.

They live a 15 min drive away and we assume they have decided this because they want to drink. (They are big social drinkers, we are not). As I'm pregnant, I told my wife I could drive them home. In laws do not know I'm pregnant but will find out on Christmas day. They know I'm not much of a drinker anyway. We saw them again today and my wife confirmed that I wouldn't be drinking and could drive them home. MIL refused and said that they would stay.

It really bothers me they haven't asked. It never came up in any prior discussions about Christmas day, it only came up last week when my wife met her mum for lunch.

AIBU that I want them to at least ask if they can stay at ours and not just assume?

No YANBU. It’s extremely rude for anyone, parents or not, to tell you they are staying at your house instead of asking. The thing is, the fact they have done this and pissed you off means you’re less likely to want them to stay than if they had asked if it was ok? If my in laws asked I would say yes but if they’d ‘told’ us, I would immediately say no and not want them there at all. It’s going to create an atmosphere and ruin the day

Pensionswew · 16/12/2024 08:54

Really rude of them.
Be tired and vanish as early as suits.
I wouldn't be happy with this at all.
Is your partner bullied by her parents and now you are being bullied by extension?

If so you need to push back hard.
I would be insisting that they be brought home.

This type of rudes spells problems in the future for you.

Be firm on your boundaries or you will pay dearly for it if you are not.