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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws have told us they are staying over on Christmas

199 replies

Sesame2011 · 15/12/2024 21:45

This year for Christmas, my wife and I are hosting her parents for dinner. We last spent Christmas day with them in 2021 (in 22 we spent it with my family and in 23 we were away on holiday over Christmas and new year).

I thought this year would be like last time, in laws would come over around lunchtime, we would do presents and eat and maybe play a couple games and they would leave early evening.

This year, last week, MIL has told us they are going to stay over at ours on Christmas night. We did not invite them to stay, they did not ask us. They told us.

They live a 15 min drive away and we assume they have decided this because they want to drink. (They are big social drinkers, we are not). As I'm pregnant, I told my wife I could drive them home. In laws do not know I'm pregnant but will find out on Christmas day. They know I'm not much of a drinker anyway. We saw them again today and my wife confirmed that I wouldn't be drinking and could drive them home. MIL refused and said that they would stay.

It really bothers me they haven't asked. It never came up in any prior discussions about Christmas day, it only came up last week when my wife met her mum for lunch.

AIBU that I want them to at least ask if they can stay at ours and not just assume?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sesame2011 · 15/12/2024 22:10

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

We are a same sex couple.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 15/12/2024 22:11

It is ridiculous for them to stay when you will drive them home and it is only 15 minutes away.
My mother used to try and tell my sister and I that she was staying. We just said no.

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2024 22:12

Hoppinggreen · 15/12/2024 22:04

The problem is they have told Op and her wife that they are staying and despite being told (supposedly) that they can't they are refusing to listen.
It would be that more than anything that would make it a hill I would certainly die on

Show quote history

Just seems really melodramatic to me. I would want my family to feel welcome in my home

rubiconartist · 15/12/2024 22:13

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

Really? You can't figure it out?

HollopingHooligans · 15/12/2024 22:14

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

It's a mystery...

rubiconartist · 15/12/2024 22:14

It's just so rude to assume. If they lived further away then fine but they can just get a lift or a cab.

Your wife needs to tell them this.

Baital · 15/12/2024 22:19

No. They don't get to invite themselves. Under any circumstances. They can ask, you and your wife can decide on your answer (and personally i would do a lot to maintain peace and goodwill). But no-one has the right to tell you they will be staying.

Livinginadream · 15/12/2024 22:19

It's just the way they have told us. You weren't there though (if I've understood correctly).

Are you sure your wife was accurate in what she said her parents said?

Combattingthemoaners · 15/12/2024 22:21

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

Welcome to 2024!

MrRobinsonsQuango · 15/12/2024 22:22

Another vote to nip this in the bud. If you aren’t careful then it will only get worse, especially if there is now a baby. Are they usually so lacking in manners?

Oh and congratulations!

Combattingthemoaners · 15/12/2024 22:23

This would irritate me too but if your wife isn’t prepared to say no then it looks like you’re going to have to suck it up. At least from now on you can use the baby as an excuse! Congratulations x

Brahumbug · 15/12/2024 22:23

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

The op is a male seahorse, obvious really.

PlanningTowns · 15/12/2024 22:25

I would struggle with this (and do when my inlaws do
similar). I think it often stems from a parent child mentality and they haven’t accepted their child is grown and feel that they have autonomy over them.

with a child on the way, you need to put clear boundaries in place. It’s lovely they want to stay but they need to ask first.

what does your wife say?

Apolloneuro · 15/12/2024 22:26

SweetBobby · 15/12/2024 22:07

I'm confused, you say you're pregnant but also mention your wife?

Anyway, just tell them no and that you'll be dropping them off home.

Don’t be daft. You’re not confused. You’re displaying homophobia, silly.

2025istheyear · 15/12/2024 22:29

Insist they go home. What’s the point when they live 15 minutes away. Can’t understand their logic. Maybe they want to move in by stealth!

PuppyMonkey · 15/12/2024 22:30

They “refused” the lift home? So “refuse” to host them. Cheeky boggers.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 15/12/2024 22:30

It is rude, but for one day is it worth upsetting them?

Businessflake · 15/12/2024 22:30

I can’t imagine telling my parents they weren’t welcome to stay, which is what you are expecting your wife to to. I assume your wife spent 18+ years staying at theirs without asking?

MaterCogitaVera · 15/12/2024 22:31

Brahumbug · 15/12/2024 22:23

The op is a male seahorse, obvious really.

Show quote history

Nah, OP’s wife must have been visited by an angel some months ago. There’s precedent.

Thatcastlethere · 15/12/2024 22:31

I'd be deeply pissed off about them just stating they were staying without actually asking too.
I think I'd get your wife to tell them it's fine to stay this time but they need to ask.
If it were my mum I'd straight up say "it's pretty rude to just declare you are staying without actually asking and that has annoyed me. I wouldn't do that to you"
I've learned to be straight up with my mother and just be firm through any push back. As long as you just point put calmly that you think it's rude then that's totally valid. They will of course react negatively to you informing them it's rude. But personally I would do it anyway because they need to know you aren't going to tolerate that without complaint. It's invasive and disrespectful.

Thatcastlethere · 15/12/2024 22:34

Businessflake · 15/12/2024 22:30

I can’t imagine telling my parents they weren’t welcome to stay, which is what you are expecting your wife to to. I assume your wife spent 18+ years staying at theirs without asking?

Are you actually joking??
I'm presuming she stayed there without asking because SHE WAS THEIR CHILD AND SO IT WAS ALSO HER HOME AND THEY HAD A DUTY BY LAW TO EITHER HOUSE HER OR HAND HER OVER TO SOCIAL SERVICES.
Ffs.
Not the same at all is it??
I wouldn't just rock up to my mums house and declare I was staying overnight there as an adult. I'd have the decency and respect to actually ask her. Once you move out that's no longer your house and your house is no longer your parents home. It's just polite to actually respect that boundary and run it past people to see if it's OK to crash there.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 15/12/2024 22:35

They can't just tell you they're staying overnight, establish that boundary now. Otherwise you're going to have them dictating to you forever. Your wife needs to have your back here, she can let them know again that you will be dropping them home in the evening and if they say again that they'll just stay, she can say 'no, Sesame will be dropping you home, I told you that already'. If both of you are firm about these boundaries it will make life a lot easier, especially when you have a newborn.

IvysMum12 · 15/12/2024 22:35

Thepurplepig · 15/12/2024 22:00

Chose your hill to die on. This isn’t it.

If you want to keep them at arms length when the baby arrives start making plans to move.

Unfortunately, if you move further away it will strengthen their hand regarding overnight stays.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 15/12/2024 22:38

IvysMum12 · 15/12/2024 22:35

Unfortunately, if you move further away it will strengthen their hand regarding overnight stays.

Show quote history

One to two hours each way is the perfect distance. Too far to drop in unannounced, but not far enough to need an overnight stay.

OolongTeaDrinker · 15/12/2024 22:40

You are about to have their grandchild and you begrudge them one night in your home? You even admit there isn't a problem with them staying you just don't like the way it's been done - honestly choose a different hill to die on. If they live locally and you are about to have your first child you may appreciate their support in the future, so why create bad feelings for no apparent reason?