Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

I want to clarify I didn’t intentionally become pregnant to win him round! I mean I was drinking and being the good fun girl and I lost all sight of my behaviour.

So you got pregnant accidentally at 37 and decided to keep the child. What happened between your twenties and then for it all to go wrong. Feel like you've missed a decade out

@Doggymummar i was 36 I think when pregnant. Well when I said twenties I meant 25-35 just that phase where I had chance to have done better for myself. I made a mess of life and I don’t have anyone to blame except for me and it’s pretty impossible to make how it could have been now

I think keeping your child at age 37 is presumably a good choice (assuming you wanted children). I say this as an infertile 37 year old so no shade meant but you may not have had another chance to have children if you’d not kept your daughter.

It sounds like you’re rueing your choice of partner. However, those men in your 20s must not have resonated with you if you didn’t have a relationship with them. That’s ok. I am sorry it’s not worked out with your ex. Do you think you could try dating apps? It seems like the lack of a partner is your main concern.

Your life is not over at 40. You surely haven't "lost your looks" that much. You have a decent career by the sounds of it and a child you love. Time to stop moping over the past and dealing with the present. I moved abroad aged 38, got new jobs, met loads of interesting people, made new friends, all with a toddler/small child. You can reshape your life. Of course you can still be fun if you let yourself.

Your life isn't done OP. You sound like you're depressed and have low self esteem. Do you manage to do much to look after yourself (exercise, rest, socialising)? There is still time to meet someone wonderful and get more balance in your life. 💐

@Feliciacat thanks for replying. It’s true I may not have had another chance.

it is kind of you to say those men may not have resonated with me but deep down I know it’s not true. They were decent men, I had a connection but I was too immature and dysfunctional to make a commitment. That’s the reality. And I could online date now but it’s a million times harder with a child and I don’t even know where to begin anymore.

@RochelleGoyle i guess there’s new experiences to be had but I won’t have three children and a husband now. It would have to happen next week for that to have a remote chance of working. I feel so shit about it all.

@MissAmbrosia thank you. I do look very different to pre child. My face is haggard. I don’t loop youthful anymore at all.

Comparing your 20s to your 40s isn’t reasonable for anyone, as is comparing your life before and after motherhood. I doesn’t sound at all like you messed up, sure it is a lot harder to be a single mum than to share parenting and finances.
BUT YOU’RE DOING IT! 💪🏼
Please don’t get stuck in ‘what could’ve beens’ and be proud of where you are in your life. And I mean… you are only 40, with some luck that means you’re only halfway and who knows what the future has in store for you. You might still get your family.

You sound a little depressed tbh and I think you need to look for ways to lift you out of this, it’s not easy to just change your attitude towards your life but maybe with a therapist or good friends around you?

Good luck OP 🍀 All is not lost.

You're young

You wouldn't have had your daughter with those other men

Give yourself a big shake and find GRATITUDE

You have so much to live for and 50 more years to live it.

Exciting fun joyful years

Stop with the pity party and LIVE for now.....not for those years which are in the past

Blimey OP - you're only 40! Yes you won't look 20, but who actually wants that?! You've got a place to live, a child you love and a future in front of you. Honestly, count your blessings as your life is waiting for you to seize it and live it.

It’s a lonely life as a single parent at 40 though. Very lonely. I feel loved by dd but it’s not the same. Even preparing for Christmas it’s very hard, it feels hard to make it a magical time when it’s just you as the only adult

Having two more kids yourself might not happen now, but you could be a step mum to two or more kids in the future if the big family life appeals. I’m sure it’s still possible to meet someone at 40, I think you’d have accept though, like you they will come with baggage. Look surely you know people in your life who didn’t even make it to 40. You have a lovely child and a career and presumably you are healthy.

Your rock bottoms feels bad too you but to most people it would be far from rock bottom.

It's as good as you make it

I was a single mum at 40

I'd rather have been single than with an abusive twat

I really, really hope you don't project any of this self pity onto your daughter.

Blimey, that’s quite harsh for you @Eyesopenwideawake

By the time I was 40, I was a single mother to 4 children, and I felt too that i'd made the choices that led to it. But without those mistakes I made and then had to live with (still do, really), I could've been rather naive and possibly smug too.

Anyway, I loved being single and having time with my kids, although it was very hard too and I definitely felt sorry for myself at times. Three is a difficult age - you wait till DC is in school and suddenly wants to tell you all the rules - it's such a dramatic change and then it will feel easier. It won't always be so expensive either, doesn't have to be.

Everyone's got some difficulty in life, that's what you have to remember. No point looking enviously at others. Allow yourself the wallow, then pick yourself up and make the best of what you've got.

I get it, OP. I'm the same sort of age and a single parent to a mid teen. It's very lonely. I understand the need - and it is a real need - to grieve the lost potential, the fact you won't every get married to someone in your 20s and have a family with them, share your 20s, 30s and beyond with them. You can never go back and have that history together if you haven't lived that time with them. It's really hard and dating as a single parent can feel impossible at times. It's even harder if you're constantly having your face rubbed in the lives of people who 'chose the other path' back then and what they've done with their lives. I can really feel the pain coming off your words. So, don't worry - I'm not going to tell you to be grateful for what you have 🙄 or look to the future.

I think there is some mileage in you spending a bit of time in therapy, reflecting on why you did make the choices you did and what was behind that. In a way, liking commitment phobes is a form of avoidance and commitment phobia itself. It took me a long time to realise that. And if you can explore what were the mental blocks that held you back then, you might be able to eventually forgive yourself for making the choices you did, and be able to move forward with a clear heart. I really hope so. And I hope very much you still find your dream family setup - even if it looks a little different than you originally imagined, you might just find yourself in the family which is perfect for you and your child. Fingers crossed ☺️

I think instead of focussing on what happened 25-35, you need to remember why you had your daughter. Im assuming you live in the UK, you were not forced to have a baby, you had options, but you chose to keep her, the decisions leading up to that point are moot.

I would focus on that choice, and why you did it, I suspect many, if not most, 37 year old women would have done the same, and keep it separate from the decision not to pursue the man who got away, again there would have been a reason you didn't choose that, we can't have regrets in life, we have to accept we had our reasons at the time even if hindsight blurs that.

You might've married one of those men and it all could've gone to shit, maybe he cheated, maybe he was an arse , maybe he was lovely but you couldn't conceive between you. You're looking back as though one of those options would've been flawless it wouldn't have and any other choices and you wouldn't have your daughter.

You've got a job, a home and a child. Cherish what you have.

There is a good reason.

@Breeisae please look into therapy, counselling or work independently on your own self worth. Kain Ramsay has some excellent courses on Udemy.

That’s unnecessary and so harsh.Would you say this to someone you cared about!

I think you're looking through rose coloured specs, OP.

Either all those other men who were falling at your feet weren't all that great, otherwise you'd have snapped one up, or you were in such a great position as you're remembering yourself to have been in. The fact that you were trying to impress someone by partying hard and having unprotected sex seems in your mid 30s seems to suggests things weren't all that great, really.

We all muddle along - life rarely pans out just the way we expect it to and we all make decisions that change the course of our lives. It's fairly common for looks to fade in early 40s and stress really has an impact on that. It's common for people to be juggling parenting and work and sometimes caring responsibilities too at this stage of life. Lots of people feel a bit battered.