Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

Honestly OP, so many couples divorce in their 40s. You yourself may have ended up single even if you had married.

Looking from the outside, many people appear to have perfect lives, but often the reality is quite different.

Very good advice. I second the good luck

It might not be your thing, but a little bit of Botox does wonders for self esteem 😉

OP nobody can be as much fun with a child as without. It's just phases in life. And life has a way of happening to everyone; you aren't always in control, least of all when it comes to 'reproduction' (such a weird word). Ease up on yourself.

I think you're grieving for a somewhat unrealistic notion of how your life should have turned out. I have kids, husband and a career of sorts, but managing the 'dual-career' situation/squaring my and partner's career has been hard on our relationship and therefore the whole family. There's so much that can go not-to-plan.

I do hear you about loneliness; that is a scary prospect. But it is in no way a foregone conclusion. You've got so much ahead of you at forty. It's understandable that you grieve you pre-child self, who you clearly liked a lot. But your life's not over. Take care.

Life goes in phases. At the moment you have no freedom because you are a single mum and have a young child. Best thing you can do is throw yourself into enjoying every moment you have with your DD as much as you can. When she is older, your focus can come back to you again a bit more. Even women with partners often go through this. My DD is now 16, and even though she still needs extra help and attention due to her additional needs, I have a hobby now that has widened my circle, and I have a bit more time to look after my appearance. I felt more like you in my 40s when she was younger, but I made the most of having fun with her. This isn’t rock bottom, things could be a lot worse. You have to seek out the small pleasures and bide your time until you can find your identity again as it will happen.

40 is no age at all

The grass is always greener on the other side. Those people you are looking at wistfully will have things they regret too you just don’t know about it.

Good Luck OP you have a child a home a good job. It will all work out.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Stop comparing yourself to other couples and families in your hometown. Honestly, many marriages are unhappy - plenty of wives confide this to friends or children talk about how unhappy their parents are to their friends at school. Better to be a single Mum than unhappily married.

To put this in perspective, last year my friend’s husband got his mistress pregnant and left her to be with the mistress and baby. She convinced him to go back to her and she has kept this entire sordid affair and the baby’s existence a secret from many people in her life. Now that’s a life temporarily ruined of you ask me. Not many people would think so from the outside. I’ve seen Dads from school on dates with women who are not their wives… Honesty, to me this is worse than what you are describing.

You can maintain good looks as you age with a healthy diet and exercise. There is Botox if you want that. It sounds like you have a good job. Things will get easier as your little one grows older.

In the meantime, you have a lot to be grateful for and you will be happier if you focus on that. Life isn’t perfect, and perfect easy lives are not so perfect or easy on closer inspection.

You had an idea of how your life would be. Our lives rarely look like we had imagined them before life happened.

It's the turn of the year coming up. A great time to think over things, and a great time to let go of things that no longer serve us. I sometimes think we sort of pre-mourn times of change, if that makes sense - we get very uncomfortable, sometimes unhappy, because it's time for change, and change is difficult.

But change is the one thing we can be sure of!

I could hazard a guess that in another twenty years you and your life will have changed again, possibly enormously and possibly in ways you can't even imagine right now.

I'm also recc'ing this book, 'Feeling Good'. It's American, a bit cheesy, and a bit repetitive, but it really does help drum into you that the stories you tell yourself can be the root cause of much of our suffering:

https://feelinggood.com/books/

All the best, OP.

OP I’ve been there. I was a single parent with a daughter. Within 5 years I had DH and a baby. Life is not over

Life isn't over. Life with a 3 year old on your own isn't easy. But life's not ended. You're only 37.

There are a few things in your OP that sound overly negative, like depression. Everyone's looks fade over time. Life doesn't end because of it.

You have a daughter. As she gets older she might become the family you'd otherwise not have, the joy of your life.

Your career is being hit right now, unsurprisingly, because of single parenthood. But it gets easier, and you can progress it as and when you're ready.

I think some therapy and a different outlook could help you see the glass half full a bit more. I speak as someone with a history of depression and substance abuse amd so I'm walking exactly the same walk I'm talking.

Good luck. 😘

You’re a 40yo single parent.
That is not uncommon and not some sort of doom.

My life is the complete opposite of yours.
I had a baby very young as a teen, missed out on all of my partying years etc and it’s only now that I’m able to start having independence and getting a career.

I love my life and my DC but I am so envious of your life that you did all of the fun stuff and didn’t waste your life being a parent or being in a dead end relationship.
You lived your life, had your fun, got your career and now you’re doing the parent bit.

You don’t need a relationship to be happy.
It definitely won’t be with the child’s dad.

Have fun focusing on being a mum and when the times right the right man will come along but you’ve got your shit together and so you can be choosy about who gets to be your partner.

Very much this. I'm at a similar stage of life and TBH plenty of us are looking back and going 'Yeah, that didn't quite pan out how I expected.' The friend with the big house who seems constantly worried about money, the friend with the husband who seems to be solely responsible for the four children and wonders where the emotional support went, me who always imagined children but...

We all imagined how we were going to do it right and not make the mistakes other people did. Well, we ended up with normal, imperfect lives and it really is about muddling through.

Exactly, & very polite. Takes quite a bit of engineering to get an insult from it!

Your child is very young and it can be a hard stage of motherhood. If you had really wanted to marry one of these men you would have done it - it's easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. At 40 your romantic life is nowhere near finished but don't feel you have to rush into online dating. It may feel as if you're facing an interminable slog but in the end when you look back it will seem as if it has all gone by very quickly. You have a good job which is a blessing and I'm sure you will meet people organically in all kinds of ways as your child grows up and you have more freedom. Make friends where you can - I met one of my best friends in the local park when my kids were toddlers.None of us look 20 when we are 30 but men really don't care - and when you have more time to yourself you will feel and look rejuvenated. Just look after yourself and have faith.

You don’t need to be foot loose and fancy free to have a great life. Take pleasure in the small things. Bedtime stories and playtime with your daughter. The fact that you had a good 15 year career under your belt before maternity leave. The fact that you are a Mum (half of women who are childless at 30 never get the chance, even though most hope to have children). And you’ve got so much to look forward to with your little girl as she grows up. It really is a joy and a blessing. I guarantee that when you are old and grey, you won’t think as you describe here at all. Try to enjoy each moment. Children grow up so fast.

I understand your thinking and perspective. You are longing after the good old days now life is much harder as a single parent with no imminent change in sight. Your life revolves around your child with little space for you. I get all that. Thats life as a parent. I think you are comparing yourself to the image of the perfect families you see around you. I once made the mistake of going to centre parks as a single parent with grandparent. I dont recommend it. Perfect familydom shoved down your throat at every corner. But what I have learnt now my child is 13 is that many of those perfect families are really not perfect. They are a facade and inside there are many issues and lots of lonliness too. Life is hard for all sorts of people in all sorts of ways. By all means spend a few months moping about yesteryear. Then pick yourself up and try and become more resilient. Instead of focussing on what you dont have focus on what you do have. Practice gradtitude journalling. Find some single parent groups / networks and arrange meet ups with them. Or communicate with them online. Get some self care interests or activities - even if it is just doing a yoga youtube exercise in the evening or listening to audiobooks. Make some friends. Maybe get some childcare in place and start dating if you feel like it. Or if not now then once your child is older. Your child wont always be young. At 13 I have a lot more time now. You will get your chance for love again in the future. In the meantime you could do some work on yourself and look at the whys of your previous relationship patterns. Read books about it, listen to podcasts and educate yourself. Probably there is a childhood connection. You will be ok x

I don’t think you can beat yourself up over missed opportunities. I’m in a similar situation to you now at 43 and facing divorce and poverty and loneliness for the rest of my life, but I had a totally different approach to get here. I married young and had 3 kids, now the youngest is 15. I threw away my degree getting pregnant in the final year, then threw away any hope of a decent career as a stay at home wife in a country I couldn’t legally work. I put all my dreams and hopes in my partner and then he did the depressingly cliche thing of having an affair with a colleague and giving up on our marriage.

people will tell you you still have half a life time ahead. I say go to therapy. It helps a bit. I hope you find yourself and come out of this with a positive outlook.

OP I was 43 I had a DH, 3 DC and a job I Ioved. Then DH cheated on me and my world fell in. I got a divorce, sold out home and had to sell my shares in our business to him (court ordered). It took a while but I found a new partner who I married and he helped me bring up my youngest DC from 8 years old and help with elder DS who was a teen. We bought a house together and started a new business together. We've been married for 19 years now and very happy. It's never too late to start again with a new partner. Choose wisely.

@Breeisae I can relate to your feelings. I also thought I “had it all” in my 20s and early 30s - I was married, had a career and thought everything was going according to plan in my life. But then very suddenly I became a lone parent with a baby. Life was very hard in those years. Like you I actually had a very good income but still found it hard as I had to be responsible for everything. In terms of my career, it went on hold and I was just treading water - not progressing as I could not do the 12 hour days required to get ahead.

But - the one thing that kept me going was my dc. Also, things got better as my dc got older. Those early years are the hardest. OP - your life will get better.

You have read all the very sad posts on MN from women who did marry, give up careers, have three lovely children and discovered their ‘loving ‘ husband was a lying cheat? Few people have the perfect life you crave. You may think you have ruined your life but you are responsible for your own happiness. Begin to count your blessings. People like happy, contented people. You may still meet your ‘dream’ man.

OP there's always someone worse off than you. I know it's all relative however.

Don't you have family that you spend Christmas with also ?

Time to move on, OP. I think that having a small child is pretty hard work at any age and it certainly puts a gulf between life before and life after for all of us.

Now focus on the future and building a positive life for yourself. It’s a bit immature to have regrets, although completely understandable. You don’t know how any other scenario would have worked out. I have friends who appeared to have it all and then life took scary turns and it wasn’t the perfect life they thought it was.

It sounds like you have life figured out tbh. You had your child later so you managed to do well in your career and earn decent money.

It doesn't sound like you've ruined your life it sounds like you have grown up and are a little nostalgic about your youth. We all are! Perfectly normal

Life goes on, you'd have been 40 anyway and thinking your looks and prime time were over. Don't think there is one person on here that can say they feel better at 40 than they did at 20, it was without a doubt an easier decade than this one to live in. We didnt have phones or social media and we were free.

I have a now 8 year old and noticed that around year 2/3 in school the mums, seem a little more free. The children are a bit more independant. We're in year 4 now and it feels like we as mums are all gearing up for the next phase when they start to fly and we gain our selves back. ots of mums seem to have lost weight, or are in different jobs.

Look forward to that, time really does fly. Small children are draining. I remember feeling like I was off a long haul flight for years.

Take some time for yourself, self care is important, but don't look back regretting it all. If you hadn't had a child I guarentee you'd be writing another post about wanting something you felt you had missed out on.

Wow, I’ve cried a lot (in a good way!) reading all these. I’m at work but will carry on reading later, thank you so so much for the support