Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

I think to get pregnant at 37 you definitely wanted to be a mum. I was 36. It's hard when you see people you think have perfect lives. But I promise someone is looking at you Wishing for your life.

Sorry posted too soon. I get it. I'm a single mom which was definitely not the plan. So I get it.

This is just lovely. If more people were like you @ZeppelinTits the world would be a better place x

@Breeisae
So what about this guy that was very keen on you - what's he doing these days?

Love your child.

Christmas will suddenly become wonderful and you will be a kick-ass Mum with a career and a child.

You've got there and done it all so far and, from experience of other people, you're the type that guys really like IME.

That's a simplistic view. Another possibility is Op turned good opportunities down in 20s, and by the time she wanted to get serious in mid 30s, there weren't many good options, hence desperation.

Lovely post 👏

Hi @Breeisae I'd kill to be your age again. You are so young. I'm 60 with no kids and fairly sure now that it was me who was the commitment-phobe all along. I prefer cats and my own company. But I looked 30 when I was 40.

Binge watch some TV makeover shows, - you really are so youthful it won't take much to revive your looks.

I put my faith in the wrong person who ended up abusing me and our daughter. On the plus side, he's out of our lives and I refuse to ever be at that rock bottom again. It nearly broke me. But not quite!

I'll never have the 2 kids family life I dreamed of. Maybe a half or step sibling for my daughter, but I've had such a crap time I'm fairly happy to be where I am.

If you genuinely feel the life you have described is "rock bottom" (a phrase normally used to describe addicts at their lowest point), then I strongly feel you need counselling and/or antidepressants.

You have a well-paying job and a daughter at 40. So many people would kill to be in your position.

Also, all parents of toddlers look haggard!

I use Dermatica. I think there's Skin and Me as well.

You know this term is a polite way of saying choosing not to have an abortion?

You're looking at it as if your glass is half-empty, when a much better way would be to see it as half-full. You have a lot OP. It might not feel like it, but you have a DC, a home, what sounds like a good job - and you have managed all that by yourself. There are many, many women out there who don't have those things.

Your DD is three, which is a tough age. She's still really little, really dependent on you, hard work to entertain, and needs wraparound care, which is expensive. Your life will get better. You may or may not meet someone, have more DC, etc, but you still have that possibility atm.

If meeting someone and having more DC is what you really want and the lack of those two things is what is really bringing you down, you need to put some effort into at least trying to make it happen. If you're back in your hometown, do you have family nearby who help you with childcare? You say you don't even know where to begin, but MN is full of advice for women of all ages and there are many who are experienced OLDers who can give you some pointers. If you can afford/manage it I would also see if you can find a therapist to talk to as your self-esteem seems so low currently and I think it could really help.

Thank you for the lovely replies. I haven’t finished reading them all yet as I am at work, I will do later. I feel so uplifted from the words of support, I don’t think I’ve felt this comforted in years. Thank you.

I didn’t get my career sorted properly until I was in my 40s. Despite a great education, because of parenthood (at that time single) I was doing part time and earning 16k at 40-43. it wasn’t until after this when I threw myself at it that I started to earn good money. One decade on my life is profoundly different.
There is literally no point in criticising your past or regretting. In the end if you hadn’t had your daughter at 36, maybe you’d never have had kids? Would that be better? Probably not. That would just be something else to regret.
We have one go on this merry-go-round. Don’t beat yourself up about opportunities missed or things not experienced. Change the now and look towards the future. Start today 💪

No-ones life is perfect OP. All these lovely men, you’d have soon seen their flaws (we all have them) if you’d settled down with them.
Being a single parent is hard and your career has been affected but at least you have your child.

As for losing your looks and realising the world is maybe not your oyster any more (if it ever was), well you’re in the same boat with a lot of us. Solidarity.

Ah, 40! I remember the sprightly youthful days of 40... :-)

Seriously OP, it sounds like you're going thru a rough patch and I sympathise. It's easy at this time of year to start looking at what you have and what you think others have got, and decide you're lacking. It's also a time of year when many people get caught up in regret for roads not taken. BUT...it's a trick. And a waste of time.

Firstly, those other families you mention might look great on the outside but things are always more complicated behind closed doors.

Secondly, if you are healthy, your child is healthy, and you have an education, marketable skills and above median income, you are winning at the lottery of life. You're pretty much in the top 20 percentile of humans on the planet.

Thirdly, you're NOT in a rut. You just think you are. Make Jan 2025 the month where you begin something completely new in your life. Take up netball, hiking, live action role play, crocheting, whatever you fancy provided it's something you have never done before. Just learning something new will get your brain out of its rut and open up new vistas of joy and possibility.

Avoid the sentimental slushy Christmas regret trap. Your life is going to keep getting better from here. X

Where’s your family? Sounds like you need a hug.

I got married at 40. Had my first DD at 41 and second DD at 42. The my marriage ended. So I became a single parent at 49! And I hear you OP. Its really hard living on one income and trying to manage a career...but...we're role models. And if your DC sees a miserable, negative parent thats what she'll internalise as her norm. It not always easy to be upbeat, positive and slap on a smile but i found making a daily gratitude list really helped me focus on what I have not what I haven't.

Then let it go for a bit. I had a baby at 37 as a mostly single parent and was fine. Catch your breath and look at each problem individually. Need a bit of papering? Book a babysitter and take the time or do a deal with another mum. There was never quite enough money but we scraped by.
Feel you've stuffed your career? Make a plan in the full knowledge you might need to compromise a bit or it might take more time-but you can and will get there.
It's harder by yourself so ask for help. Friends, ex. his parents, your parents, whoever. The company of adults is important.
Make a little lime to love your child. You have so much life still to live.
I have no advice re dating but I'm sure others will. Somehow, you need to learn to love yourself again.

I’ve seen a couple similar threads, people 35-45 saying it’s hard being alone etc. Is there any interest in setting up a networking or support space? Here or on WhatsApp or something?

It seems like a lot of people are in the same headspace maybe we can support each other & help each other make connections.

Similar position and it is blimmin hard being a single parent...as all costs do come down to you. Altho you do get maintenance which a lot of us don't..
I do see friends that married in their 20s and now are mortgage free and children are grown up etc. But I love having my child and am proud I've done it on my own..but yes wish I'd bought a house when younger as now can't buy one as single income etc and can't afford to save while renting. Have an OK level job but 40/50k doesn't go as far as you'd hope when all bills fall to you.
Be proud of that you do..not many people understand the amount of work it is being a single parent. A friend met us on hols a few years ago and, while lying sunbathing as I dashed about, commented she'd never realised how much I had to do...and that was on hols.

Just to say it can also be hard being a parent, especially a single parent, at this age.

In a couple of years it will feel very different and by your mid 40s even more so.

You can pick up your career again as your child gets older but also enjoy developing a wonderful relationship with her over the next decade and a half.

Start resistance exercise now and it really stands you in good stead through these years. You'll have more energy at 50 than you do at 40! And it also helps skin

You could have done everything right and still end up on your own, with three kids, single mother and spent your best years up to your eye balls in nappies, your looks fading even sooner.

As it stands, you had fun and now it’s time to settle down, if that’s what you want.

I have done everything back to front, had a kid in early 20s, bought house in my 30s and got married in my 40s. DD gave me away.

So, stop ruminating and decide what you want now, then get on with it. Good luck!

Jesus how nasty are you