Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

Also I do try and hit the gym (2 hrs a week), get my nails done (not all the time) and take care of myself and dress up on the few occasions I get a chance. Makes me feel good about myself.

I am thinking of hiring an au pair in the future to help me out around the house and with my child to make sure I have time to do the odd thing for myself and then the time I have with my child is quality time. So there's another idea if affordable for you.

Aww, it doesn't sound like a life to be sad about. You need to give yourself a lot of credit for being the person you are now. You're caring for your little girl and making her life and yours the best that you can.

Do you think talking to a counsellor would help?

Three-year olds are expensive and limiting. They cost a fortune in childcare, need to go to bed early, can’t sit for long and the sort of films they like to watch… the least said the better. They are also an absolute joy. But they do grow up. In a couple of years childcare costs will drop as they start school. They will be able to cope better in adult company. Their world view will become more sophisticated, their language improves, they become better companions and you can start to look beyond their little world again (until they become teenagers).

Well the thing about rock bottom, is that you can only go up!! I know you feel like a failure but as long as you have breath in your body my dear, you are not. Start your life over because life truly does begin at 40. I can say this because I'm 42 and I've been where you are. Now you know better, you know what mistakes you made, so the good thing about that is that you don't have to make them again. You say you're not where you should be financially however, you are somewhere! And that's more than what a lot of people can say that have hit rock bottom. Start from there. You are a mother and you have your beautiful child to love on, even if there is no man. And I know hugging a pillow late at night doesn't necessarily fill that void or longing that you have to be in a loving happy relationship or marriage, but, you're not totally alone and that child loves you. You can still date and meet men, and I know you say that your looks have changed but it's never too late too find love especially if it's something you desire. Most of what we want in life gravitates towards us, if we want it bad enough. You just have to have confidence. Stop with all these negative thoughts about yourself and life because having a pity party will get you nowhere. Instead, look at your past and your mistakes and take it as a lesson learned. Once you do that, you'll be ready. Ready to start your life over and make better decisions and do all the things that you truly want to do. So stop feeling sad, and hold your head up, and be glad that things aren't worse than what they are. Embrace who you've become and who you want to be, and just take whatever steps you need to take to progress and move forward until you get to where you believe that you are meant to be. But you don't get to feel sorry for yourself. Nobody is perfect and a lot of us know what it's like to have to start over again, and some have learned that life just gets better as long as you don't quit. Don't give up, chin up, and best wishes!!

The feelings of loss you are having are real feelings, but they are more based on imagination and longing than the loss of anything real. You might in theory have settled down with one of the good and suitable men who were in love with you in your twenties, but you have no idea at all how it would have worked out. Possibly much worse than your current reality. And even if happily married, you would still be nearly forty and perhaps feeling upset that you don't look so very youthful any more, and worrying that this could threaten on your relationship.
Dwelling on what might have been is so painful, and goes nowhere because you can never run the experiment in which the same 'you' took several different paths. If you feel very stuck in this way of looking at your life, therapy could be really helpful.

It reads as if you've got a decent home and job, and a healthy child. That's a pretty good place to be at 40, OP, and a solid foundation to build on. Not many people are lucky enough to make all the right decisions when they're young, but it sounds like you've made a few smart ones. Christmas isn't the easiest time, don't be tough on yourself.

Get yourself a tret prescription and you'll feel sooo much better about the way you look within a few months. It's like turning back the clock. I know it sounds shallow but it's made me feel so much better about myself at a similar age and stage to you.

@Wibblywobblybobbly where do you get this from??

This is not rock bottom OP, not even close. But it sounds like you are stuck in a rut and possibly have a degree of depression. It's very easy to ruminate on your past when you're depressed and it can make you feel so much worse.
Honestly this is going to sound cringe, but try keeping a gratitude diary. I was hesitant as it sounds like a load of woo but I tried it a few months ago - my DH was constantly telling me I was so negative about everything - and within a week I did feel better. It did shift my perspective on a lot of stuff and I felt lighter and happier. I've let it slide though, so need to start again myself.
Oh and if you are feeling unhappy with your face try facial exercise, there's plenty of resources online. I've a cynical, grumpy family member who is a retired Dr who surprised me recently by saying that facial exercises do work, as the principle of building muscle in the face is the same as building body exercises. They're usually the first person to tell me what a con most health & wellbeing stuff is.

@Breeisae read this - or even memorise it. I was a widow at 36 with three dc. My friend was divorced at 26, another one was blindsided/dumped by her dh and father of her two dc at 37. Life is never straightforward.
Definitely cherish what you have!

2 things stand out to me:

1. Your child is 3. This is a very difficult time for all parents, even those in happy, stable marriages. You lose a lot of your identity with young children, and yes you may look and feel haggard! Also it's not surprising that right now, your career is taking a hammering.

However, you may rediscover some of your spark and feel much more of the joy of parenthood when your child is of school age. And get back on track with your career, or even a new career. I agree with others, your happy accident at that stage in your life (37) was probably your only chance to have a child. And her father is present in her life, and from the sounds of it, is supportive of her. That matters so much and you are in so many ways, in a great position. Family wise, career wise, fulfillment wise - your best years are very likely still ahead of you. Don't lose heart now. Believe in yourself.

2. You made mistakes when you were younger and these have shaped your life. But why? There must have been a reason you responded to life as you did, I expect it was related to how you were taught to survive as a child. Can you explore this further? It sounds to me as though you need to offer your younger self some understanding and some forgiveness too. Can you regard your past self with loving, sympathetic and understanding eyes, even as she makes mistakes, as you would a daughter?

My life didn't start until I was early 40s! Like you, single parent and just had to work so hard to keep all the plates spinning and living with the huge fear that I had to keep the job I hated because there was only one income. No time or energy for any relationships.
As DCs became more independent, the pressure came off a bit (not totally - they're not less expensive as they grow up!). I changed career completely, which led to another career change just before I hit 50. Never been happier or more fulfilled. As my friends are retiring I'm excited about what I'm going to do next!

Your life isn't over - you're probably not even half way through yet! Just keep going. Be selfish. Invest in yourself. Find ways to make your life easier - even when I was skint I paid someone to take my ironing away!

Best of luck!

When I am down I listen to Nina Simone "I got life". Firstly the song is a reminder of all the things I have that I might be without (how things could be much worse!), secondly the song is a celebration not only of being in good health, but of being oneself, of having oneself, always. I know it's trite but it sounds like you need inspiration, and I think it's a small place to start.

This is a great book full of inspiration for all the things life can hold for you :) just do, or dream about doing, the ones which are actually possible with your situation. Don't beat yourself up for the ones you can't do right now.

www.amazon.co.uk/Things-Do-Now-That-Youre/dp/1840727977/ref=asc_df_1840727977?mcid=fe3cf4d435133e6485417dfc114cc4cf&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697272498127&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4663201075728747289&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045109&hvtargid=pla-584790257495&psc=1&gad_source=1

I can see why, if you’d dreamed of a husband and three children family set up, why your situation now at 40 may make you sad.

But, presumably you made the decisions at the time that were best for you. And those men you turned down didn’t make you happy, so you moved on. I think you may need some emotional support to process all this and begin to think more positively, but I do also think you should sit with those feelings of sadness and reflect on them. It will help to process them and they are valid.

Great answer!

I think you’re mourning what ‘could have’ been instead of being grateful for what ‘is’

I’m a single mum to a toddler too and it’s hard physically, mentally and financially but would be so much harder if I was stupid enough to stay with my little ones dad based on what I thought ‘could have’ been. It just wasn’t reality. I’m slogging through a lot of the days in survival mode but my love for my little one and the life we’re sharing together grows so much every day. Your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning. I promise.

Thank you for posting this. I'm in a very similar situation and could have wrote the post myself. The replies have been really helpful to read. We just need to hold fast and look on the bright side where we can!

"Keeping your child.. " what in the world.. you'd think you were talking about a dog or a cat. Unbelievable

You're right about the gratitude habit. I bought a beautiful gratitude journal & haven't written one word in it, but instead am working on a habit called "thought catching". It's a form of brain retraining. I've gone from being a busy musician with a full social life, to being housebound with ME. The rage & sadness & grief & lack of acceptance caused me further suffering. I've decided to try my best to repeatedly switch to gratitude for what I do have. It can be hard, (living with chronic pain too), but honestly, it can really make a difference the more that you do it e.g. seeing my home as a retreat, rather than a prison. I keep tweaking my environment when I feel able. It helps. You can start to see more possibility then, too. Good luck, OP.

You sound in a very similar position to me, well done for reframing, I’m happy to accept any ideas from you and home tweaks too if you don’t mind?
don’t want to hijack the thread!

Exactly this 👏 I look enviously at others with full, rude health and wish I had it again. My health was ruined a decade ago when I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by off label psychotropic drugs that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder.

I've spent a lot of this time being down about the absolutely awful and hellish time I've had over the years, having a body that I literally can't control (different body parts move on their own, and i get tremors, weird sensations and involuntary movements of my mouth, tongue and other tic type things, even my brain tremors sometimes... terrible is an understatement...)

But, live and be grateful. I have 3 wonderful children, a job I've just started and a good, extremely supportive and loving family who are my life. Things are absolutely awful at times with perimenopause thrown in now too, but I get up every day and live life today as best as I damn can. You can too, OP. Things can always be worse and there is always something to be grateful for 🌟❤️

they'll all be divorced soon and just like you.

I started with practical things. Any wee thing at all which could save me energy. Better cookware, a dishwasher (never had one prior), a special chair for the shower, a shark cordless vacuum (great). I do micro sessions to keep the house in order. I don't find it easy to stay on top of this but the little tweaks have helped. Got rid of bags & bags of stuff for charity shop, & gradually just started habits & tweaks that make the home feel more "retreaty". A few houseplants, & little pleasurable comforting habits like good coffee. And "hygge" vibes, especially in winter. Lots of soft cozy stuff & soft lighting. Positive content & recovery stories during the day, & audiobooks to wind down in the evening. Everything you can possibly do to love yourself, in other words. Oh, breathwork is great too, & can be done in short stints & still be beneficial. There's also lovely ambiance stuff you can find on YouTube like "cozy log cabin with crackling fire" or "mediterranean restaurant by the ocean " & nature sounds. Last but not least, better boundaries. This all has helped me manage my condition.

I replied, but God knows where! Sorry 😞