Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

I just wanted to say that I hear you, OP.
My life hasn’t panned out the way I thought it would either, and I understand your grief for what might have been.
Please try not to let it overwhelm you, though, or overshadow what you do have (your beautiful DD).
Sending love. X

Confidence in myself, I may not look like a 20 something anymore but I'm very happy with my looks.

Build your new life up with your child. You can still take care of yourself and be you.

I think you should focus on the things you can change and not the things you can't change. You picked the wrong man to have a baby with. That's done now, but would no baby be better? You seem preoccupied with looks, money, etc. They are assets that mean nothing in the great scheme of things. It's time to reframe your thinking. What do you need to do to enjoy your life day to day? What will make you feel happy by the end of the day? Or the end of the week?

I can tell from reading Mumsnet that lots of women are with lazy useless twats and don't know how to leave. Also it is tricky for two people to accommodate each other when they are 40 and have created their own life. This magical partnership you imagine might not be all it's cracked up to be.

Do you have family nearby? Can you enjoy your child and Christmas with them? I'd give anything to live near my family. I found myself back in my hometown and single a few years ago and I cherished that time with my family. It's only sad to be in your hometown of you let it be. Also you have a beautiful 3 year old!

As a first step I would absolutely be going to the sperm bank and trying for another child. Not ideal I know but if you want more than one you can achieve it, you don't need to wait for a man. Can you downsize with your house? Try to concentrate on quality of life day to day rather than assets, looks, and empty achievements.

I agree with others that you sound depressed because, objectively, your life isn't at rock bottom at all - you have a healthy little girl and a good income which is something huge numbers of 40 year olds don't.

I'm also 40. I have a good social life, a fulfilling job, hobbies I love - quite a lot going for me. But I'm single, have no children, have a mental illness and am below average looking. Nobody has it all.

It sounds to me like you have some things that most of us would consider 'good things we should have at 40' but that you don't have others. Like most 40 year olds, probably.

yes, it's harsh

Gosh, you're being so hard on yourself. I can't see how you've done anything wrong.

Come on, don't let yourself get like that! I met loads of men in my 40s with 2 kids. You don’t have to have a man to have a good life! It wl get easier believe me - it's probably Christmas that's making you maudlin. Have a brilliant Christmas with your mini me, and tomorrow is another day xx

You are still young. The way you feel now will pass, you'll regain your zest and be fine. Honestly, you will. You're far from messed up.

They were not "the one". At this point in your life, he is still possibly out there, but do you need him? Your baby daddy seems to have stepped up - is that relationship good enough to develop, and have you given him a chance?

Widen your circle, there are lots of single mums around and local groups to join. These are often women who have been married and are now happy being not. Far more common than you think, which also gives you a pool of available men looking for a new relationship.

40 is so NOT past it, you are just changing - I am in my 70s and NOW my looks are going!

I feel like this has been written by a misogynistic man who has a fantasy of the women who reject him feeling like this at 40. This can’t be real

the thing is that the men who excite you in your 20s are different from those in your 30/40s. I know full well, and have said to him, that I had I met my husband in my 20s we wouldn't be together. He wasn’t what I wanted then. But the reality is he’s handsome, clever, lovely, caring, consistent and does all the cooking/cleaning - and he adores me. Back then in my 20s I would have laughed - now in my 40s I’m v grateful for him. And I met him when I was 38.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just enjoy, be sensible and see what happens.

Hmm...It's easy to think that and gloss over the reasons they weren;t right. I had a 'one who got away' for years - deeply regretted not appreciating how much this wealthy handsome brilliant man adored me. Until I bumped into him again and remembered what a jealous, controlling, arrogant man he was.

Don't blame yourself and your dysfunction for not shacking up with men who weren't right for you then. they wouldn't be now, either. You'd be bored or restless or feel you'd settled down too soon.

You have your career, and your daughter, and an ex who participates in her life. May not be perfect, but life isn't.

Are there small changes you can make to feel like life isn't stagnating somewhere you don't want it to be? Could you spend a few months early next year really pampering and looking after yourself so you feel strong and fit and healthy and look and feel your best, then maybe start dating again? You sound like an interesting, independent, intelligent woman and if you were attractive in your twenties, I'm sure you can scrub up well now!
Are there some adventures you could have with your daughter? Trips you could go on? Even if she is too young now, you could start saving for one. They don't have to cost the earth.

I agree with others - 40 is not old, and you have a lot to be thankful for, with a decent career and a child. Although you feel like you've lost your looks, you can turn this round - you won't look 20 again, but many women in their 40s upwards look fantastic.

Your dd is only 3 and you're a lone parent so you probably do feel tired and without much time to look after yourself. There's a good chance this will improve. I looked haggard and dreadful when my kids were tiny (had dd2 aged 37) and by the time they were in school, I looked healthier so kind of younger and better overall, can't quite remember why - more rested, bit more money/time to spend on myself?

Don't write yourself off, OP! We've all had opportunities that slipped through our fingers. Trust yourself to make better choices in future.

take one thing at a time, the loneliness can you join groups/reconnect? Your DD will go to school soon and whilst ‘school mums’ can get a bad rep on mumsnet I’ve made some wonderful friends through school

You could be right actually! The incel types love to go on about women rejecting all the good ones in their younger years to end up with total losers and then regret it blah blah.

My spinster-like high-school German teacher met the love of her life and got married at 60. They now travel the world and show of their life on social media. They don't have kids together, but they look really, really happy.

Don't lose hope!

It is pointless looking back and regretting the past. You did the best you could at the time, given what you were dealing with.

Not rtft so apologies if I'm repeating what someone else has said.

I also often feel aggrieved at the way my life has panned out. Not the same situation as you but I'm a similar age with different regrets.

I think a big part of the problem is that when we were younger it was very easy to imagine your future and what it would look like. We were told the world is our oyster, we can do anything. We all watched films and TV shows with super happy endings - ending up with the love of your life, 2 kids, a dog, a great career and a big house, everyone smiling all the time.

In reality it's relatively rare for life to end up that perfect. Media shows us what perfection is so that anything other than that is a crushing disappointment.

I often feel disappointed or jealous of others but then I stop and think: there will be people out there who wish they had my life.

Re the loneliness - can you try to make a list of ways you think you could feel less lonely ie join an online group for single mums, join a hobby club, reach out to a different person each day, etc. I know what it's like and being lonely is the worst feeling in the world but if you feel you're making steps to combat it then it might help you power through.

Huge hugs, you sound like a great person x

You have a great job and a child you love. You have enough money to live on. Presumably you have a home. You have your health.

You need to change the way you think - you're very lucky to have what you've got. Your problem is that you feel entitled to a different life and you're bitter about not having it.

Go for a facial and there is always ways to get a little helping hand. .

Do you need to stay in your home town.
Write a list of what you want from life .Start with the most achievable
(facial )
botox ?
exercise
move town
husband
more kids

For examples . Then tick them off. .life isn’t over it’s just going to be different to what you had thought .

your life doesn't sound that bad at all. Maybe you're depressed? Worth a chat with GP. Having kids wrecks a lot of women's careers for a number of years even if they're planned in a long term relationship.

Hey OP I hear you so bad! I'm a single mum at 36. My partner left me for someone else and I lost my job (a highly paid but demanding job) while pregnant. Dad is not invoved at all, married the OW and pays no maintenance. I'm now very single with a toddler and actually surprisingly I'm pretty happy but I think a big part of that is having a new job I love, support from my parents and good friends around to hang out with. I do find myself also looking at perfect families I know on SM and totally romanticising their lives but the reality is that everyone has difficulties and you know nothing is ever as it seems. I have to work hard at remembering my ex is not a good partner and no better to the other woman. I would not have been happy with him. I find myself also romanticising past guys who liked me too who seemed so nice. Again there's a reason those didn't happen.

Guess maybe because I'm a bit younger I'm still hoping to meet someone and have more children, but it's so hard isn't it? Dating as a single mum feels impossible.

I'm considering having another child on my own and then worrying about a relationship afterwards. Plenty of people meet their life partner later on. Have you considered this?

I know it doesn't feel ideal and being a single mum is so hard but try not to beat yourself up about the past. I'm sure you're doing a fab job! Xx

I kept waiting for the rock bottom part but then I once gummed the remains of a baggie I found next to a toilet. It wasn't even white.

Guess one person's rock bottom is another persons nice life 😁

Your child is only 3, it is one of the intense phases of having a child. It will get easier and you will see more opportunities again as they grow up and you get more flexibility back.