Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

Your post focuses a lot on your looks. While it's true there are plenty of stunning women in their 40s and well beyond, it would also be helpful to de-emphasise this as key to your success. It's going to lead you to passivity ("ah well, I've missed my chance to improve my life now I'm 'washed up'!") rather than look for what you can improve.
What do you want life to look like? What matters to you? What steps could you take to move 1% closer to that life?

You w only lost yourself for this moment of time because being a parent is hard- especially being a single parent and the sole provider.

Be kind to yourself; start by slowly giving some more time to yourself- even if it's a manicure every few months. As your little girl grows- you'll find yourself again.

It's so easy to look back and say I wish I'd done this instead.... but then you wouldn't have your little girl. She's the gift that is worth it.

It gets easier as they get older. Small steps.

X

OP you are very brave to have continued a pregnancy, alone, with a commitment-phobe at 37, and I am not surprised it feels hard being alone with a three year-old. In a year your daughter will be at school and you will probably have more energy to think about online dating. My kids are older and there was a time I never thought I'd want a glass of wine again let alone go out, but things change. You are only 40! It's young, try to see that. You might meet someone and have another child in your forties (plenty do) or you might meet someone with gorgeous step-children. Someone I know has been alone all her life and chosen to adopt and couldn't be more over the moon about it.

Forget 'The Dream' and make the most of the present. Plenty of us have things we feel sad we didn't do or could have done. Plenty of us wasted time on men who weren't worth our time. I should have a much more interesting career and another child in an ideal world. Living somewhere European, being bilingual and wafting out to the market every morning.

Just wanted to say hold on in there OP. I found the baby/toddler years very draining and aging but then you start getting more sleep, more exercise, take a bit more time on skincare, blow drying your hair etc. and you bounce back.
You are honestly at a superb age to meet someone great. You now have the maturity to choose wisely which you openly admit you did not possess before. It’s all waiting for you OP and you are lucky enough to have a healthy DD. Just enjoy Christmas and take it from there.

You assume you won't have any more chances to meet a partner now, but that is simply not true. Book babysitters and get out and meet people. You can still enjoy yourself and who knows what might happen.

I think it’s easy to look back with rose tinted glasses and see a magical alternative life, but that doesn’t mean you messed things up because it didn’t happen.

Was it really dysfunctional that you let the men of your earlier relationships go? You said one of them really loved you, but did you really love him? There’s a reason these men weren’t the ones for you, don’t torture yourself by thinking you could have had an epic romance with men you didn’t feel were right for you at the time.

You were 37 when you had your little one - whose to say if you hadn’t had her whether you would have met a perfect man and had multiple children with him? You might never have had the joy of children at all without the accidental pregnancy - maybe that was the universe working out in a way that enabled you to have a child even though you hadn’t me the right man yet.

Finally - give yourself grace. Your daughter is very young and therefore needs so much from you. It won’t always be that way. You’re still young, there is still so much time for you to really focus on your career, your hobbies and yourself once you’re out of the woods of parenting a very young child. Don’t write yourself off yet.

I think you will need to spend some time grieving for what could have been but ultimately you will need to find a place of acceptance and move forward. Feeling like you do is much more common than you think and 40s is a time when some doors close on you so I do think it’s quite a poignant time for reflection especially if life turned out quite differently to what you hoped. It’s just a phase though and you will find a way through and start to feel better.

Seemed a bit negative to me tbh

Ye.s, deeply unhelpful

Grim but not unsalvagable.

I think your feelings are totally valid. You've aged, you're a single mum, yeah it's not what you hoped for and there's a fair bit to grieve.

I think you do however need to stop the mindset it's all my fault. I do really believe these things happen for a reason. I don't believe you lost these amazing potential men and would have had an amazing life with husband and two kids. I believe this was your destiny for whatever reason. I think it's futile kicking yourself now.

In the future when your child is more independent, it's very very possible that you will like your life and how this came about. You could be running around 10 years later after a husband and kids and utterly dead inside but trapped with no freedom.

I urge you to read the multiple threads on here! Being free and able to do things is so so huge. You have to just sit tight. 3 is a lonely age kids wise. When she gets to 5/6 you will feel different guaranteed.

I honestly think that you are just tired, the early child years are exhausting, but in a few years you'll look back more fondly on the woman you are now - a woman with a career, child, home and doing it all herself than the woman who was getting uncomfortablely plastered at 37 just to impress a man.

All that has happened is that life has chosen a path, there aren't the endless possibilities there were before you had a commitment. However, you can get to your 40s and see these paths are dead ends rather than having lots of potential. To have everything you do is great, honestly, you should be proud of yourself.

There's a book you should read OP, called The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig. I have a copy and happy to post for free because I definitely think it will help you.

I too made mistakes - not sure if because of nature or nurture tbh - but I also think you're in the thick of it currently with your child, and things will get better and easier.

Life moves on from our expectations. And the bliss is to be found in the ordinary moments in between the shit bits. Good luck to you and your little one, do the things you love.

I think your post sounds very much like you wanting to travel the road untraveled, simply because it's impossible to now do so.

It's a state of mind. We all make choices along the way which predetermine certain outcomes. That's life. However, not everyone dwells on them. You appear to.

If you want my advice concentrate on bringing up your little girl. She's only 3 and you have a wonderful opportunity ahead of you to create a magical relationship together.
There will be parents with fraught relationships with older children out there who would give anything to be able to go back to when their child was 3 and do it all over, making "better" choices.
You are living their dream now, make the most of it.