Probably outing but I am at rock bottom. I did this to myself.

[Breeisae]

I read a thread very similar to my life the other day and it’s given me the confidence to post… though my situation is even more dire I think.

I don’t even know where to begin but basically I had everything going for me in my twenties. I had a great career, I wasn’t bad looking, I had a great family and my health and enough money. I met so many lovely men. One in particular that really loved me and wanted desperately to build a life with me. And what did I do? In a very dysfunctional way I let these men go. I ended up getting pregnant accidentally with a commitment phobe. Part of why it happened was because I was so keen to impress him and win him round that I drank too much and didn’t use protection which was VERY unlike me. But that’s life isn’t it… one mistake can cost you.

And since then although the commitment phobe has stepped up to our daughter (now 3), I am very much single, a washed up, mess at 40. The successful career I had has been battered by single parenthood. I can’t enjoy my income as running a house alone costs, so while I live a decent lifestyle it’s not really representative of my income if that makes sense as every cost falls on me (Dd’s dad does pay maintenance I mean more just a one person income makes life expensive).

Im losing my looks obviously. I am nowhere near as good fun as I used to be as I’m getting older… I know older people can be fun of course but it’s different. Life has happened to me. I’m not a carefree twenty something.

I can’t believe how much I messed up my life when I had so much going for me. I can see a struggle to the day I die now financially and I also see loneliness. I always always imagined more than one child and the chances of that are minimal now. I love my child very much and this isn’t about them. I’m just struggling to accept why I was so dysfunctional that I ended up like this. I’m so sad. To make everything feel 100 times worse, I’m back in my hometown as it was where I ended up when I accidentally fell pregnant and that’s been so so so hard watching people I vaguely knew years ago build families in a marriage while I have been left behind.

I am so sad. And I only have myself to blame. But I can’t see any joy other than my child anymore.

Stop looking OP. When you are happy with yourself and find contentment in your life then the rest falls into place. Make small changes to give you the chance of opening those other doors you seem to thi k are so firmly closed. Dating- find a hobby or social group that you like and naturally your circle opens up, if it happens it happens but give yourself a chance at least.

Stop looking back no good ever comes of it.look at today and tommorrow only.

If you'd have done any of it differently OP you would have ended up with your wonderful DC.

It sounds like life has got a bit on top of you. And I'm sure being a single parent is relentless. Can you make some time to socialise, start a hobby, practice some self care?

Let's come at this from a different angle.

You could be 40 and not have a child at all. Read any of the threads here and you will see how much better off you are than so many other women. Women who are tied to abusive shits, financially, physically and emotionally drained.

You have your independence.
You have a career.
You have a home.
You have your LO.
The commitment phobe has stepped up for his DD.

Start looking at your blessings and start working on the issues. Some therapy might help you.

You're doing OK, OP.

We all regret some choices we made when we were younger. There's no telling that those potential relationships would have been happy or healthy.

You've got to focus on your present and your future.
You are only 40.
You still may meet someone.
You have a lovely child and a job and somewhere to live.
Stop beating yourself up about what you haven't got or choices you didn't make.

Go see your doctor or a counsellor and get some help with your low mood.

I am not trying to be unkind, but you’re being a bit silly.

You're 40 years old. You’re hardly ancient. You’ve a good job, a lovely child and your health. And you’re moping because…time passes? People age? You didn’t seize every opportunity? Life isn’t perfect? For goodness sake.

If you don’t like your life, what are you doing about it? If you don’t like the way you look, are you eating properly? Exercising? Taking care of your skin? If you want to improve your earnings, what steps are you taking towards career development? If you’d like a relationship, are you actively dating?

Your life sounds fine. But if you don’t like it, do something about it. Don’t mope about your sliding doors moment.

You have no idea how life would have been if you'd married one of the guys you knew in your 20s...he could have died young leaving you widowed, or become disabled and you his carer, or your child might have been disabled. And of course you might have broken up down the line and left you a single parent anyway...

Point is you just don't know how it would have turned out. All there is is the present moment and what you make of it today. It's natural to grieve but don't let it take too much of a space in your heart. There are no guarantees that life would have been wonderful 15 years ago had you made another choice. I know it can be irritating to hear it but there's a reason to count your blessings.

Tell us how you've been getting yourself out there. Apps? Asking friends to set you up? Local meetups? Nights out? Hobbies? Speed dating?

Or are you expecting a Netflix Christmas special where you open the door to the Amazon man and you both fall head over heels as he passes you a tower of cardboard?

Yeah I'd recommend hypnotherapy with a really good therapist to help you foster some helpful positive thinking.

I completely get it. I’m 40 in March, have a 2yr old DD (and 4yr old hyperactive dog), and single. Mid-twenties me would never have thought I’d be here. Would never have thought I didn’t find the one, have the happily ever after or fairy tale wedding. But I made the choices I did and here we are.

On the bad-days I feel exactly the same. But the good-days, like this weekend, I get to look at how much I do have - my DD, a stable and financially reliable career, my own home. All of that is worth so much more. And sets an incredible example to my DD of what she can achieve (if she wants).

And as far as Christmas, I get to make all the most magic memories with her how I want them to be. And with them being so young you really can create whatever traditions you want.

i hope you can find the ‘good day’ soon.

Please don't think too much about the past. Many people do not realise the good things they have in their early 20s, they lack confidence and make the wrong decisions. But we learn from them. You're a wiser woman now than you were then. The present and future are what we can try and control, the past is just history. I feel the same way as you but I promise we have plenty of positive experiences left to have in our lives. I wish you all the best xx

Well, i'm going to be brutally honest here OP. You had your daughter at 37! That's fairly late to be starting a family. If you didn't want a child, at 37 and with a good career you could have taken the morning after pill. Or had an early abortion. However it's telling that you chose not to. You chose to have a baby! It was your decision. You chose motherhood over the alternative of not being a mother. Motherhood isn't all that it's cracked up to be at times, but it is also wonderful. Careers also aren't all that they are cracked up to be. It's a shame that you weren't swept off your feet by your partner and he didn't want to commit, but then you knew what he was like. My point is that you aren't helpless and these events haven't just happened to you. You made the best decisions at the right time for you. You clearly weren't ready to settle down in your twenties/early thirties.

I 100% agree with other posters here too - try and reframe the situation.
You wouldn’t have your daughter - if you hadn’t followed the path you have.
Believe it or not 40 is still quite young! - I’m sure you still look great. Sometimes you have to up maintenance a little - more exercise, hair done more regularly etc but women in their 40s look amazing.
Best years of my career were between 42 and 55 as a single mum… so try not to give up on that too…
40 can feel like a milestone age - BUT you have a lot of brilliant things going for you. I hope you feel better soon and you can use the new year to reset a bit and make a list of some of the brilliant suggestions on this thread. X

All of this, OP. I’m not going to lie, you keep banging on about your fun twenties when men were in abundance, but you got pregnant at 37. No shame in being single at 37 at all but if you wanted multiple children the way you said then why didn’t you marry one of these men in abundance? It sounds like the commitment phobe was actually you.
And if it makes you feel better, even if you had married one of the men-of-abundance it doesn’t sound like you were someone to mentally and emotionally settle down, so right now you’d be divorced with three kids and co-parenting with an ex who did not step up for his children (see countless other posts on here).
The way I see it, your accidentally pregnancy was the only way you were going to get to be a mum with the way your lifestyle sounded. You should honestly feel blessed, not so self-pitying.

I think the issue is the way you think about your situation rather than the situation itself, which doesn’t seem that bad or different from many people.

How old is your child? Four? That's quite knackering at forty. You've looked after her through the hardest years completely alone. Things will get easier when she's a bit older and has matured a bit. As pps have said, single parenthood when you have a home and financial independence is often vastly preferable to being stuck unhappily with a man and not being able to afford to leave. You seem very focused on finding one though, why?

I was a single mum to two boys. Their father left when they were 2 and 3 They were 7 and 9 when I met my second husband. I was 38. He is a fabulous man and a brilliant step dad to my now adult sons and a fabulous grandad to 2 grandsons. We have been together for 23 years and married for 21 at the end of December. Life is out there. Put a smile on your face,get organised and go and live it.

I was 5 years older when I had dd, I was resigned to a life of singledom. I wasn't looking, wasn't dating but when she was 6 met a man who first became a good friend and then more. We are getting married next summer. I'm now 55 but couldn't be happier, I seem to have got my looks back, I'm loving life but more importantly I love myself, I'm confident in myself again and anyone who disagrees that I'm amazing can quite frankly fuck off. My husband to be is an incredibly lucky man ( he's pretty amazing himself so I'm also lucky)

I am brand new to this forum (perusing because my wife is pregnant with our first child and I have no idea what to expect or how to meaningfully support her through this time!) but this post struck me this evening!

I think you need to shift your mindset more towards all of the positives you do have in your life. E.g. it sounds like you have a relatively great career (even if it's not you achieving your full potential) that supports you and your daughter, even if it is a challenge at times. You have a daughter you obviously adore. Did you expect to be doing it alone for the most part? No. But that doesn't mean you're damaged goods and have no chance at happiness in life now.

As for being back home - that could mean closer to family or having a really close friend from school/growing up?! But even if that's not the case, remember that comparison is the thief of joy. You're racing your own race.

Life might not be what you expected it to be 10 years ago. But don't let your frustration and upset at choosing the wrong guy dictate how you feel about yourself or view the next 40 years of your life (easily achievable!).

Good luck, and try to stay positive and grateful for what you have right now!

This is very familiar to me , similar carefree (careless) lifestyle, terrible life choices, turned down most of the nice men, and kids in later life. I was really beautiful but had no idea and terrible self esteem and then became disabled, on a truck load of medication and aged massively and feel hideous now, even my teeth alignment has changed massive for the worse so my lovely smile is no longer there and I hate having my photo taken.
I also know that I am in a negative thought spiral at the moment, comparing myself endlessly to young fit me and to women who are healthy and have money and time to spend on themselves.
I am working on a low income with kids and mortgage and running on empty all the time.
I know something needs to change but I don’t know how to get out of this rut.
Also find winter incredibly difficult.
I really hope you find a way to get out of this funk as this head state is doing us no favours!

Many people evaluate their life at 40 and feel they haven't made the most of their potential. Often things haven't gone the way we expected. But you have probably half your life still to live and lots of opportunities to make changes. However, the biggest change you need to make is to reframe how you view your life. You have many good things and you have achieved that on your own.

How did you get your looks back?

If you take a step back you should see most people wouldn’t see this situation as rock bottom. Far from it. When I clicked on this thread from the title I thought you were going to be an alcoholic living in a cardboard box. You have a lot going for you. And yes life isn’t perfect. I’m a similar age to you and get looking in the mirror and noticing the changes. I get wondering about the past and decisions. It doesn’t help anything though. Concentrate on positive steps you can take for the present and future.

@Breeisae Forgive yourself

have a read and hopefully move forward.

You have as many years in front of you than you have already lived.

Sending you lots of love. What’s brought this on OP? Is it Christmas? I’m a single parent to my 9 yr old I’m now 35 and Christmas brings up lots of feelings and could have/should haves.

Start journaling and every night when you get into bed think of 3 things you’re greatful for - you won’t see a change over night, but small and consistent habits will help.

You hear of others who worked their lives away to reach top of their career ladder and never had children who regret it. You also need to look inward and work on why you are feeling empty at the moment - because that’s for you to fix (in the nicest possible way) not for a partner to fix. I learnt this the hard way!

And don’t believe everythign on social media - how many of those people are actually happy and have a perfect life. I see people pretending to be happy who have had affairs, been in abusive relationships (behind closed calls)

Work out what your calling is - your life’s purpose and that will start to help guide you into having the life you really desire.

If you're lonely - get a dog - man's best friend - loving, loyal, faithful etc. Cockerpoos are very sweet so are most other mongrels (or pedigrees).