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Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 15/12/2024 20:37

Yeah I'm sorry I feel like YABU here.

He's come in quietly (as he should) and done as you asked and slept on the sofa (again perfectly as he should).

He couldn't know you were going to wake up and worry and keep yourself awake with worry about it. If his phone died it's just one of those things, so I think in this instance he hasn't done anything he needs to apologize for.

alfhroa · 15/12/2024 20:38

I think considering he did do as you asked and went on the sofa it seems a little unfair for it to have blown up to this extent because you didn't go downstairs to check, he said he would sleep there so it would make sense for you to check, you caused yourself the worry. If you'd agreed he would be back by an earlier time fair enough.

That said, when we get unduly irritated by something there is usually a wider reason for that, that might make you less unreasonable. But it's best to focus on the actual issues.

Chester23 · 15/12/2024 20:38

He did as you asked. YABU. Why didn't you check if he was on the sofa when you woke?

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 20:38

You told him to sleep on the sofa and he did exactly what you asked. It's a good thing he came in quietly. I really don't understand why you're angry with him let alone punishing him for 3 days. Surely you could have checked downstairs yourself?

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2024 20:40

You made a point of insisting that he shouldn't wake you up, which he didn't. He slept on the sofa even though he had every right to sleep in his own bed. If you actually wanted him to wake you up so that you wouldn't worry, you should have said that instead. YABU

lizzyBennet08 · 15/12/2024 20:40

Honestly yabu here. You clearly resent his social life and think 3 nights is too much and that's what you're really agent about .

StrawberryWater · 15/12/2024 20:41

YABU

He did as you asked.

You could easily have checked the sofa.

skippy67 · 15/12/2024 20:41

YABU

skippy67 · 15/12/2024 20:42

lizzyBennet08 · 15/12/2024 20:40

Honestly yabu here. You clearly resent his social life and think 3 nights is too much and that's what you're really agent about .

Yep.

Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:42

The phone tracker showed he was still out in the city. I made the 'sleep on the sofa' comment as a bit of a joke to emphasise how I really needed him to not get hammered and wake me up because of the important meeting I had the next morning. He assured me, multiple times, that he wasn't going to get hammered and stay out late.

OP posts:
PiastriThePastry · 15/12/2024 20:42

YABU. He did exactly what you wanted him to do! The fact you got yourself in a flap isn’t really his fault, I wouldn’t say, and he’s not in the wrong to have a few Christmas nights out!

OtterlyMad · 15/12/2024 20:43

I understand your annoyance at him being a bit careless but ultimately I do think you are overreacting.

Itisjustmyopinion · 15/12/2024 20:43

Agree with others. This is an example of he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't

He did what you asked and didn’t wake you up. If it was me I would have went downstairs to check if he was there (since you asked him not to wake you up) instead of lying awake for hours

fearfulexchange · 15/12/2024 20:43

Definitely YABU.

Onlyvisiting · 15/12/2024 20:44

YABU

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 20:44

You told him to sleep on the sofa. Surely it's the first place you check? Take some responsibility.
Punishing someone for 3 days for having a few drinks and then coming in considerately is abusive and controlling.

Brefugee · 15/12/2024 20:44

Team YABU here

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/12/2024 20:45

YABU. He came home quietly as you requested. It wasn't his fault you were up fretting all night.

Pandasnacks · 15/12/2024 20:45

YABU and over reacting here

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 15/12/2024 20:45

Bloody hell, he did what you said! You could have ventured down the stairs to see whether he was there.

Fuzzyandwarm · 15/12/2024 20:46

YABU
He did as you asked. You didn't bother to check if he was on the sofa

Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:46

lizzyBennet08 · 15/12/2024 20:40

Honestly yabu here. You clearly resent his social life and think 3 nights is too much and that's what you're really agent about .

I don't resent his social life. I do resent that his work shifts regularly affect my sleep (his alarm often goes off at 4.15am, or he gets in from work at 2am depending on whether he's on early / late shifts) and then on nights when I could have the prospect of an uninterrupted night of sleep, he is still the cause of my exhaustion

OP posts:
cariadlet · 15/12/2024 20:46

I'm on his side.

He had a night out, came in so quietly that he didn't wake you up despite being drunk and slept on the sofa to avoid disturbing you.

If you woke up in a panic, you should have gone downstairs to check.

Poor bloke

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 15/12/2024 20:46

Of course you're being unreasonable. He quite literally did as you asked. The reason you were awake is because you decided to track him with technology which isn't reliable for a whole myriad of reasons, rather than check the sofa you'd told him to sleep on.

He's not done anything wrong here.

Dartmoorcheffy · 15/12/2024 20:47

Yabu. He did exactly as you asked him to. I don't understand how the tracker could say he was still in the city at 4am though. It would have said what what time he was last there. If you use life 365 it also tells you when a battery is low too.

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