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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
Calmhappyandhealthy · 15/12/2024 21:38

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear

Very very unreasonable

None of this would have happened if you hadn't been SO unreasonable

Stop blaming him for any of this

It's ALL on you this time

Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:38

@MincePiesAndStilton I don't object to him working hard. What a strange perspective. I also work extremely hard and have pretty much no downtime to myself. He works hard, but regularly has days off during the week when I'm at work, DD at school, and he can rest and do as he pleases, gym, lunch with friends, gaming, sleeping.

We clearly have bigger problems.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 15/12/2024 21:38

GravyBoatWars · 15/12/2024 21:36

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear - but he has form for just hiding rather than address things, so the festering is on both of us in this case.

Nope. You were fully in the wrong for getting angry and blaming him. You need to apologize and mend this. He is not equally at fault for not apologizing (since he did zero wrong) or trying to appease you in that time.

Maybe he has form for going into hiding because his wife has form for being unreasonable.

Notonthestairs · 15/12/2024 21:38

I don't think you wanted a conversation. I think you wanted to extend the argument.
Certainly you started this thread believing you were entirely in the right.

And if you can't sleep when he's on shift work you need to change your sleeping arrangements - sofa bed downstairs etc.
look for a practical workaround.

TopshopCropTop · 15/12/2024 21:40

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:38

@MincePiesAndStilton I don't object to him working hard. What a strange perspective. I also work extremely hard and have pretty much no downtime to myself. He works hard, but regularly has days off during the week when I'm at work, DD at school, and he can rest and do as he pleases, gym, lunch with friends, gaming, sleeping.

We clearly have bigger problems.

You’re so resentful of him it’s not even funny. How dare he have a bloody day off. He should be knocking his pan in 7 days a week…. But only at the hours that don’t wake you up of course…..

TheyreStillGoingWithThemPlumsKerr · 15/12/2024 21:41

YABU

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2024 21:43

There’s nothing to address. No conversation is needed beyond you apologising to him for being a controlling resentful nightmare.

OhBling · 15/12/2024 21:43

Yeah, YABVU. But I suspect this is a bigger issue that is causing you a lot of resentment, rightly or wrongly. My sense is that you didn't want him getting drunk or being out late at all and you wnated him to WANT to be home early and not get drunk.

CandyCane457 · 15/12/2024 21:44

YABVU.
You asked him to sleep on the sofa so as not to wake you. So he did. But now you’re saying you only said it as a joke. He’s not a mind reader. The poor guy knew you needed a good sleep for your meeting so was respectful so stayed downstairs so as not to wake you, and now you’re mad about it?
I also find it a bit absurd that you lay there wide awake worrying for three hours and didn’t think in all that time to just pop downstairs and see if he was on the sofa or not (seeing as that’s the place you told him to go to!) Tracker or not, surely you know these things aren’t always reliable and you could’ve just checked downstairs.
I also don’t think he needed to message when he got home, you were in the same house fgs. It won’t have crossed his mind to do that.
I definitely wouldn’t be dragging this out until now, the poor guy.

MillyVannily · 15/12/2024 21:44

YABU
"An important business meeting' that you need 8 hour sleep to survive doesn't exist and is not a thing at least in my world.

devilspawn · 15/12/2024 21:45

Is this the only thing or are there other things? Maybe it's a really minor thing that's broken the camel's back which is why it looks like you're massively overreacting and actually there's a lot more going on.

YellowDiamondsInTheSky · 15/12/2024 21:47

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:30

Just to clarify the 3 days - we've barely seen each other in that time, in between him being out again, me having a night out, and me running about doing all the weekend clubs, food shopping, birthday party etc with DD.

I was out Friday night (had 10 mins between getting home from work and friend arriving to pick me up. I was home by 11pm, he was already asleep); he was out again yesterday (left the house at 4pm). Today, he'd taken himself off to his parents whilst I was out with DD. We haven't been sitting around glaring at each other.

He is a man-child, as one poster has suggested. He's hiding instead of having a conversation about it.

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear - but he has form for just hiding rather than address things, so the festering is on both of us in this case.

Ah yes, was waiting for the dripfeed that was going to find other reasons to say your husband is a dick after everyone agreed it was you being unreasonable and petty.

Nicknacky · 15/12/2024 21:47

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:38

@MincePiesAndStilton I don't object to him working hard. What a strange perspective. I also work extremely hard and have pretty much no downtime to myself. He works hard, but regularly has days off during the week when I'm at work, DD at school, and he can rest and do as he pleases, gym, lunch with friends, gaming, sleeping.

We clearly have bigger problems.

You resent his “days off”? I assume you realise how hard shift work is on the body not to mention sleep pattern and eating?

cariadlet · 15/12/2024 21:48

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:30

Just to clarify the 3 days - we've barely seen each other in that time, in between him being out again, me having a night out, and me running about doing all the weekend clubs, food shopping, birthday party etc with DD.

I was out Friday night (had 10 mins between getting home from work and friend arriving to pick me up. I was home by 11pm, he was already asleep); he was out again yesterday (left the house at 4pm). Today, he'd taken himself off to his parents whilst I was out with DD. We haven't been sitting around glaring at each other.

He is a man-child, as one poster has suggested. He's hiding instead of having a conversation about it.

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear - but he has form for just hiding rather than address things, so the festering is on both of us in this case.

Virtually everyone has said YBVU because he did just what you asked and you had a go at him but you have chosen to pick up on the one poster who called him a man child (one of 2 or 3 comments throughout the whole thread which have been critical of him).

Why should he have a conversation.
You have already had a go at him when he's done nothing wrong. Is he supposed to sit across the table from you while you tell him off again?

I have no idea why you have detailed the parenting that you have done for the last couple of days. Saying you had both been busy would have been enough; it comes across as trying to portray yourself as some kind of domestic martyr.

Oneanonymouspost · 15/12/2024 21:49

Be honest with yourself and everyone else you’re angry that he went out at all (which is pretty controlling) as I can’t think of a single other reason you would be annoyed with this. He literally done exactly as you asked. You’ve picked a fight and now can’t back down. YABVVU. If my DH gave me the silent treatment or picked a fight about this for 3 days!!! I would be so angry and upset.

GivingitToGod · 15/12/2024 21:50

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 20:38

You told him to sleep on the sofa and he did exactly what you asked. It's a good thing he came in quietly. I really don't understand why you're angry with him let alone punishing him for 3 days. Surely you could have checked downstairs yourself?

This, let it go OP

Gtfto2024 · 15/12/2024 21:50

Yabvu.

You are being unreasonable for tracking and monitoring another adult (are they under house arrest?), and you are unreasonable for complaining that he did as you asked.

BoyzIIMen · 15/12/2024 21:51

You are being ridiculous.

I can't believe that he did as you asked but you're angry with him. It's not his fault the phone tracker didn't work properly!

You've asked people's opinions and, despite everyone saying you're unreasonable, you're not listening and continuing to be annoyed.

I'm not surprised he's hiding instead of having a conversation about it. It's something and nothing that you won't let drop. He probably just wants a quiet life and no arguments!!!!

I feel sorry for him!

Frauhubert · 15/12/2024 21:51

Going out on whole 3 nights out in December? 🤪 what a party animal! That would be one weeks worth of parties in December for most…

Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:52

devilspawn · 15/12/2024 21:45

Is this the only thing or are there other things? Maybe it's a really minor thing that's broken the camel's back which is why it looks like you're massively overreacting and actually there's a lot more going on.

Edited

Yeah, I'm pretty fucking lonely and exhausted in this marriage and you're right, my reaction is a symptom of that

OP posts:
Topsyturvy78 · 15/12/2024 21:53

He did as you asked tbh putting my phone on charge when I return home drunk from a night out is the last thing on my mind. I just want something to eat and lots of soda water stops me throwing up and to go to bed.

StarDolphins · 15/12/2024 21:54

YAbU. You asked him to quietly sleep
on the sofa. Why didn’t you just go look at the sofa instead of lying awake for hours. He’s done what you asked!

OolongTeaDrinker · 15/12/2024 21:55

He did as he was asked and didn't wake you up; as far as he knew you were upstairs fast asleep, how on earth would he know that you would wake up and start fretting about him? Also if you were trying to call his phone surely you could have worked out his battery was dead as it wouldn't ring.

Hankunamatata · 15/12/2024 21:56

YABU
He did what you asked and slept on the sofa. I'd be really cross too if I was him as he didn't do anything wrong, did as he was asked yet your still hardly speaking to him. You have been deeply unfair and tbh you would make me feel like I can't win.

CountessWindyBottom · 15/12/2024 21:57

YABU

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