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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
Olika · 15/12/2024 20:47

Your DH is a grown man, he can take care of himself.

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 20:47

Well on the plus side if you carry on arguments for 3 days every time he does exactly what you tell him to I doubt he'll be around to annoy you for much longer

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/12/2024 20:48

Yabu! I did this too actually. My DH got home at midnight, last train home was at 11. I woke up at 1.30am and wandered round the house, went back to bed and was worried/annoyed all night. Went back done at 4.30 and he was in a sleeping bag on the sofa! All my predictions were wrong. It was my fault I stayed up all night. We laughed about it and moved on..

Toopulululu · 15/12/2024 20:49

He was a bit unreasonable but I think you’re more unreasonable. It’s a misunderstanding, largely, about where he was….. and a three day argument, isn’t life a bit too short?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/12/2024 20:49

And I had come to the conclusion because she hadn't read or replied to my messages asking if he wanted me to pick him up from the train station. The yr before he fell asleep and stayed on the train to the end of the line and had to spend £150 getting home!

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 15/12/2024 20:49

YABU to let this go on for 3 days, and you were also unreasonable in the first place, given that the chap did as he was told, literally!!

Itisjustmyopinion · 15/12/2024 20:49

when I could have the prospect of an uninterrupted night of sleep, he is still the cause of my exhaustion

But that is partly your own fault by not checking if he was in if it was giving you that much distress that you couldn’t get back to sleep

In the three hours that you were lying awake did you not think I asked him to sleep on the sofa if he was in late, I might just check if he is in and then I can go back to sleep

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2024 20:49

YABU for getting grumpy about him doing what you’d asked. YAB even more U to be stewing about 3 days later and creating such a bad atmosphere he feels the need to stay away. How’s that good for anyone?

sonjadog · 15/12/2024 20:49

YABU. You lay awake worrying for hours, and yet at no point did you get up and go check the sofa… I think you are being melodramatic.

TheJones · 15/12/2024 20:49

Yeah he didn’t do anything wrong. You said the sofa - he slept there. You could have checked. But I understand you didn’t think to - phone said elsewhere - but that’s not his fault. Make friends and put it behind you.

lakesiders · 15/12/2024 20:49

You're being massively U , he didn't wake you up and slept where you told him to. Your choice to wake up and worry.

I honestly don't get people who stress about their other half's night out. He would be back at some point, I would have gone back to sleep and called him in the morning. (It's also weird tracking a grown ups phone)

The waking up due to work shifts is a different matter and one that's clearly an issue- this needs sorting.

Jifmicroliquid · 15/12/2024 20:49

He did exactly as you asked and you had a go at him.

YABU

Flossyflop · 15/12/2024 20:49

You need to blame your reliance on modern technology not your husband.

In the old days you would have had to either assume he was on the sofa or walk down and check and then go back up to bed.

It’s the tracker that has failed here due to the phone dying, not your husband, and next time you’ll know not to trust it.

This situation is way over the top, he shouldn’t be staying at his parents when he’s a fully grown adult with his own home and wife. You’ve got bigger problems here.

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 15/12/2024 20:50

Also, carrying this on for 3 days is insanely controlling and smacks of abuse. If a woman posted saying her partner wouldn't speak to her for 3 days because she went out with friends, came home quietly and slept on the sofa as he'd asked her to I doubt there'd be anyone saying he wasn't abusive.

rwalker · 15/12/2024 20:50

I don’t think anything he would of done would be right

tbh I feel sorry for him having to deal with this shit when he’s done nothing wrong

problem with this is next time he’ll think fuck it what ever I do will be wrong so why bother

I take it you we’re stressed about your meeting and you are taking it out on Dh he’s baring the brunt of it

more to the point why are you tracking a grown adult

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/12/2024 20:51

What kind of tracking app do you use?

I only ask because find my friend on an iPhone will give a time of when location last updated - so something like that would have come in handy in this instance as you'd have known it wasn't a live location.

I do feel a bit bad for him, for it to have dragged on this long.

dragonfliesandbees · 15/12/2024 20:52

Agree with everyone else. You asked him to sleep on the sofa if he came in late. He did exactly that. It's not his fault you didn't think to check there. Slightly annoying that he said he wouldn't stay out late and then did but hardly something to still be angry about three days later. Surely everyone has had nights where they intended to come home early but ended up staying late? I know I have.

Redglitter · 15/12/2024 20:52

You told him to sleep on the sofa if he came home late. So he did.

Surely the sensible thing to do when you realise he's not in bed is - check the sofa

Doesn't the phone tracker say last seen or last updated? If he was showing as in town because his battery died didn't it say last updated several hours ago when you were checking

YABU in this case but regardless of that to still not be talking 3 days later is ridiculous

Basilsage · 15/12/2024 20:52

Well meant perhaps but reaction is YABU to me

Thatcastlethere · 15/12/2024 20:53

You are being really unreasonable.
Why didn't you check the sofa instead of lying there awake?
And you told him not to wake you.. why would he think you'd be awake and checking his whereabouts?
No I honestly think you are being a bit ridiculous here. He did exactly as you said. It's not his fault you didn't sleep.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 15/12/2024 20:53

You sound like the type who falls out with her husband because he cheated in a dream you had.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2024 20:53

I think when it gets to the point you get cross at someone for doing exactly what you asked him to do, there's bigger problems afoot.

Spangler · 15/12/2024 20:54

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 15/12/2024 20:50

Also, carrying this on for 3 days is insanely controlling and smacks of abuse. If a woman posted saying her partner wouldn't speak to her for 3 days because she went out with friends, came home quietly and slept on the sofa as he'd asked her to I doubt there'd be anyone saying he wasn't abusive.

Exactly this! You are being completely unreasonable.

BonneMaman77 · 15/12/2024 20:54

On this occasion, he didn’t do anything wrong. If there’s a pattern of behaviour that doesn’t work for you then it’s perfectly reasonable to deal with that directly.

ChaosHol1 · 15/12/2024 20:54

I can't believe you've dragged this on for three days and he's now had to go stay away for the night to escape the atmosphere. You're defo being unreasonable. Stop tracking phones and you'd of went and checked if he was on the couch and gone back to sleep.

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