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AIBU?

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Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 15/12/2024 20:54

He can’t win. You are being massively over dramatic on this one. He was asleep on the sofa like you asked

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 20:54

You’re tired. Have you tried earplugs? Could you sleep somewhere else, put a bed in your daughter’s room? I think you need to prioritise sleep fro a little while.

DaringLion · 15/12/2024 20:56

You sound like a right moaner

Zanatdy · 15/12/2024 20:57

You are being very unreasonable. You told him to sleep on the sofa. If you’d have got out of bed you’d have known and got back to sleep. If you use a tracker then you should know they aren’t always reliable. If he had texted you if could have woken you.

Fabulouslyunfabulous · 15/12/2024 20:58

He did exactly what you asked him to do.

I’m team husband.

Frenzi · 15/12/2024 20:58

YABVU. He did exactly what you asked him to do.

I actually find it very alarming that you are tracking a 40 year old man on his phone. This is what I used to do with my kids when they were 12. As soon as they hit 18 I respected their privacy and deleted the app.

Starlightstarbright4 · 15/12/2024 20:59

Yabu - for firstly dragging it on for 3 days - so ruined the whole weekend . I hate sulkers

also for not checking the sofa - he could have as easily lost his phone as not plugged in to charge which may have woken you up .

its not often unanimous yabu so take a look at that.

Original poster
VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:59

For everyone asking why we track - because he usually can't answer his phone or check/send messages at work, and very rarely finishes his shifts on time, and it's helpful to know how late home he might be for managing DD's expectations about whether she's going to see him that day/before she goes to bed or not. He can see my location too, which is helpful for when I'm overseas with work and he can show DD on the map where I am

OP posts:
Onabench · 15/12/2024 21:01

You're 100% unreasonable. You were really worried but didn't once check the sofa, where you told him to go to sleep? Cut him some slack

Cynic17 · 15/12/2024 21:01

YABU because you track your husband. Nobody needs to do that, and your experience simply demonstrates how stupid and pointless these trackers are.

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 15/12/2024 21:01

Pretty unanimous I'd say...

Whathappensnowplease · 15/12/2024 21:02

I'm afraid OP I'm normally very much on the side of the DW waiting at home for her DH out at one of these drunken dos BUT I'm afraid I have to admit he did what you asked.
I understand though that your annoyance stems form the regular pattern of disturbed nights due to his work shifts. So I can see why you over reacted to this incident.
I do think you should both sit down and discuss your sleeping arrangements and come to some solution whereby his work shifts don't result in you regularly getting disturbed sleep.

PosiePetal · 15/12/2024 21:02

At 4am, I would have checked the sofa downstairs.

multivac · 15/12/2024 21:03

Another YABU here. Not least because of your need to capitalise a Meeting (more important than a meeting?). If you were really worried about him, you wouldn't have lain awake fretting; you would have done something. Were you actually anxious about your Very Important Meeting?

Ginkypig · 15/12/2024 21:03

said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa.

this is exactly what he did and now you are giving him shit about it!

it is not his fault you decided to lie awake worrying for three hours rather than just popping down stairs to actually check if he was there before deciding if there was a reason to worry.

the other issues you have mentioned may well be valid but they are a separate to this and need to be dealt with separately.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 15/12/2024 21:03

As others have said, he did as you asked which was to not wake you up when he came in late and slept on the sofa. He wasn’t to know that you’d be awake half the night worrying about him because a tracker on your phone hadn’t updated his whereabouts. YABU to be so pissed off with him days later.

TTPDTS · 15/12/2024 21:04

I mean you must know from the responses that YABU.

It's not his fault you were tired - he did exactly as asked. You kept yourself awake worrying (without checking downstairs first which would have been the first thing done after you told him to sleep there!) and can't blame him for that.

Keeping the argument going for so long is horrible of you, you need to snap out of it and realise that as PP have said it's quite an abusive way to treat a partner.

MasterBeth · 15/12/2024 21:05

You are overreacting. A lot.

But, yes, he could have been more considerate and texted you at, say, midnight to say "Still out. Will sleep on sofa when I get back."

WhyDoesDenisNotRhymeWithPenis · 15/12/2024 21:05

You didn't want him to wake you but you also wanted him to text you at 4am to announce his arrival?

This is a thread where if the sexes were reversed and a man put conditions on a woman having a night out, she obeyed, then he changed the goalposts and fought for three days until she left her home....

I imagine he's considering if he wants a divorce. Not many people would accept three days of being argued with.

Bloom15 · 15/12/2024 21:06

YABU

He did as asked. You could have gone down to check if you wanted to be sure.

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 15/12/2024 21:08

I agree with the consensus. When you woke up, you could have just gone downstairs to see whether he had arrived home. An app can always be wrong, but you would have seen with your own eyes that he was home.

And it is very unreasonable to drag out an argument for 3 days. I can imagine the atmosphere in your house. Not good for your child.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 15/12/2024 21:09

Isn't the issue here about OPs sleep deprivation rather than one drunken late night by husband? Although it not for me being drunk and out until 2am on a work day. Or any day. I suffer from insomnia so can relate. You need to sort out some way to get better sleep I think.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/12/2024 21:10

You are being enormously unreasonable and treating your husband horribly! Everyone's told you that but you don't seem to have acknowledged it. You told him if he comes in late, sleep on the sofa. When you woke up at 4, you should have just checked there- it's not his fault that you decided not to look for him and instead lie awake worrying. It's your own fault that you were tired, not his. And then you've continued being mad at him over absolutely nothing for 3 days to the point that he's going to stay with his parents, when he's not even done anything wrong. Your poor husband.

Pancakeflipper · 15/12/2024 21:10

3 days???
How long are you going to continue this?

I find it hard to sleep.properly when members of our household aren't home. But I don't your husband behaved terribly.

Fuzzyandwarm · 15/12/2024 21:10

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:59

For everyone asking why we track - because he usually can't answer his phone or check/send messages at work, and very rarely finishes his shifts on time, and it's helpful to know how late home he might be for managing DD's expectations about whether she's going to see him that day/before she goes to bed or not. He can see my location too, which is helpful for when I'm overseas with work and he can show DD on the map where I am

Are you ready to accept yabu and apologise to him? Otherwise the thread has been pretty pointless.

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