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AIBU?

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Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
Matronic6 · 15/12/2024 21:12

He did exactly what you asked though. It wasn't his fault the tracker app didn't update. It's annoying you lost sleep over it but it wasn't his fault. I don't know why you are angry at him.

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/12/2024 21:12

You are being massively unreasonable...the poor bloke couldnt win in this situation.

He did exactly as you asked...didnt wake you up and slept on the settee .

I'd be with you if he had come clattering into the bedroom and woke you up but there is absolutely nothing else he could have done in this situation to appease you other than cut his night short, which, lets face it, why should he?

You were happily sleeping in bed and weren't disturbed by him.

And even if he had messaged you saying he was staying out late, how would that have helped? You still wouldn't have known he was home without getting out of bed and checking.

LPOG · 15/12/2024 21:13

YABU on every level. He done what you asked. Why worry just because he showed he was still out? He's a grown arse man on a night out. He can't win here. You need to get over it.

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/12/2024 21:14

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:46

I don't resent his social life. I do resent that his work shifts regularly affect my sleep (his alarm often goes off at 4.15am, or he gets in from work at 2am depending on whether he's on early / late shifts) and then on nights when I could have the prospect of an uninterrupted night of sleep, he is still the cause of my exhaustion

Show quote history

That is pretty separate to his night out though and as irritating as it sounds, not entirely his fault if its work shifts.

You both need to come up with a way that he doesnt disturb you when he comes in from work

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2024 21:14

I think yabu and if you have trouble with his sleeping patterns, can you have separate bedrooms and sleep together on your nights off.

LetsNCagain · 15/12/2024 21:14

Yabu about the tracker, as everyone says.

Also...Sorry to be harsh but if leading a meeting puts you in such a state of panic that affects the whole household, I think you've been promoted beyond your capabilities. Either that or your workplace is toxic. No meetings, no matter how important, should terrify people this much.

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2024 21:15

Also this: "He doesn't like being 'in trouble'"

Sounds like you have form for this kind of behaviour

LetsNCagain · 15/12/2024 21:17

I recommend a ring doorbell over a tracker. It's less intrusive, for one, and helps with burglaries etc, and finally it's hard wired in so no battery that can run out. You'd have been able to check what time he came in

DottieMoon · 15/12/2024 21:19

You see being completely unreasonable. He did as you asked and you are still giving him shit over it and to have dragged it on for 3 bloody days! I feel sorry for your DH.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 21:19

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:42

The phone tracker showed he was still out in the city. I made the 'sleep on the sofa' comment as a bit of a joke to emphasise how I really needed him to not get hammered and wake me up because of the important meeting I had the next morning. He assured me, multiple times, that he wasn't going to get hammered and stay out late.

Your mistake was checking up on him like he’s 5 years old, then winding yourself into a tizzy. This is on you, he did as you asked.

Unless he’s an arse generally just let this go.(Alrhough I do think it’s pathetic running off to mummy and daddy’s when you’ve had a row - very man-childish)

itsmylife7 · 15/12/2024 21:20

yabu

He did as you asked.

This is the issue with technology when it goes wrong it causes problems.

TopshopCropTop · 15/12/2024 21:20

Sorry but YABU, big time. He did everything you asked of him. If you were so worried why didn’t you go downstairs and just check he wasn’t in the house and had maybe left his phone behind or it was dead.

You lost 3 hours sleep which isn’t the end of the world and was entirely your own doing. Definitely doesn’t warrant 3 days of the silent treatment. I think you’re mostly mad at yourself for being silly and not checking he wasn’t in the house.

Doggymummar · 15/12/2024 21:21

It's on you the weekend was ruined. Sounds like you need another bedroom if you can't sleep through his alarm for his shifts, or him getting in late.

Wendysfriend · 15/12/2024 21:22

Yes just as others said you are being unreasonable, he did as you asked and I definitely wouldn't have sat in bed awake for hours worrying without checking the house first. Christmas parties run on, we go out with great intentions but things usually change. If his work shifts are bothering you, it might be better all round to have separate rooms, that way no one disturbs anyone.

ZekeZeke · 15/12/2024 21:22

He can't win can he?

redskydarknight · 15/12/2024 21:23

We have a system that people coming in late leave their shoes on the door mat.
That means that they don't make a noise clumping through the house and it's easy to check who is in and who is not.

But, like everyone else, I can't believe you relied on a phone tracker rather than just physically checking.

Monstermashermashedthemonster · 15/12/2024 21:23

Why didn't you check if he was in the house instead of just sitting up fretting.

Jollyjoy · 15/12/2024 21:23

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:46

I don't resent his social life. I do resent that his work shifts regularly affect my sleep (his alarm often goes off at 4.15am, or he gets in from work at 2am depending on whether he's on early / late shifts) and then on nights when I could have the prospect of an uninterrupted night of sleep, he is still the cause of my exhaustion

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He’s not the cause of your exhaustion in this instance though, that’s due to your anxiety.

NewGreenDuck · 15/12/2024 21:23

YABU, why didn't you just go downstairs and see if he was kipping on the sofa?

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 21:23

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 21:19

Your mistake was checking up on him like he’s 5 years old, then winding yourself into a tizzy. This is on you, he did as you asked.

Unless he’s an arse generally just let this go.(Alrhough I do think it’s pathetic running off to mummy and daddy’s when you’ve had a row - very man-childish)

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Very man-childish to have had enough of being argued with for 3 days for the crime of going out with his mates and coming in quietly? If he was a woman it'd be ltb and go to your family!

BunnyLake · 15/12/2024 21:24

I’d have checked the sofa before checking his phone whereabouts. Sorry but I can’t defend you on this one.

Rachie1973 · 15/12/2024 21:24

3 days. Poor sod.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 15/12/2024 21:24

I'm Team DH

He did EXACTLY as you instructed and yet you're still moaning and even ignoring the poor man 🙄

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 21:26

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 21:23

Very man-childish to have had enough of being argued with for 3 days for the crime of going out with his mates and coming in quietly? If he was a woman it'd be ltb and go to your family!

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Maybe. Except I can’t imagine any woman in this situation fucking off to her parents and leaving her dcs at home with the supposedly abusive partner.

Nah, he just wants to put his feet up and get looked after by mum whilst op deals with everything at home - let’s call it what it is.

BunnyLake · 15/12/2024 21:26

Not even sure what you would have liked him to do other than wake you up to let you know he was back!

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