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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:

TopshopCropTop · 15/12/2024 21:26

“He doesn’t like being in trouble”

Do you always treat your husband like he’s a child? What a weird statement to make.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/12/2024 21:26

I wou,don't be happy with him going to his mums. He's just leaving you with the family load. Ask him to get his backside home, make up!

MincePiesAndStilton · 15/12/2024 21:27

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:46

I don't resent his social life. I do resent that his work shifts regularly affect my sleep (his alarm often goes off at 4.15am, or he gets in from work at 2am depending on whether he's on early / late shifts) and then on nights when I could have the prospect of an uninterrupted night of sleep, he is still the cause of my exhaustion

Show quote history

“My husband works hard and I object to this.”

lightsandtunnels · 15/12/2024 21:27

If it's his work shifts that are causing you problems then that's difficult as he needs to work.

I think YABU on the night out thing. Unless of course he makes a habit of getting hammered, like every weekend or something.

If you told him to sleep on the sofa I'm not sure why you didn't bob downstairs to check rather than use the family tracker - that would have made much more sense to me.

Life is way too short to not speak for 3 days. Move on. But if there are bigger issues then you need to discuss them.

Squirrelblanket · 15/12/2024 21:27

OP: Am I being unreasonable?
Everyone: Yes.
OP: No I'm not because...

Why bother asking?!

scotstars · 15/12/2024 21:28

It sounds like you want to police his social life. You asked him not to wake you he didn't and it's caused upset but if he had come up to bed and woke you I'm sure you would have been even more upset.
When you woke why didn't u just walk downstairs to see if he was on the sofa sering as that's exactly where you told him to sleep?

SharpOpalNewt · 15/12/2024 21:28

I find it a bit odd to check a phone tracker but not go downstairs to have a look if he had come back.

But then I find tracking other people's phones a bit odd generally. I don't see the point at all.

BunnyLake · 15/12/2024 21:28

You woke up at 4am off your own back so why are you mad at him?

GravyBoatWars · 15/12/2024 21:30

YABU. I absolutely don’t blame him for leaving & you owe a massive apology.

You needlessly wound yourself up over something after missing the most obvious step of checking the couch. It happens! We’re tired, we put too much trust in technology, and we’re not thinking clearly. But the mature, reasonable thing to do was laugh at yourself, recognize he did exactly as you said and move on. Instead you took zero accountability and have given your spouse the silent treatment for 3 days over absolutely nothing.

Shift work can be really hard on a household and often takes work and creativity from both spouses to make it work, but this sort of behavior and resentment from you is just piling toxicity onto a normal family challenge. After you’ve sincerely apologized for this weekend the two of you need to brainstorm as a team to figure out a better setup for sleeping & odd shifts.

Original poster

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:30

Just to clarify the 3 days - we've barely seen each other in that time, in between him being out again, me having a night out, and me running about doing all the weekend clubs, food shopping, birthday party etc with DD.

I was out Friday night (had 10 mins between getting home from work and friend arriving to pick me up. I was home by 11pm, he was already asleep); he was out again yesterday (left the house at 4pm). Today, he'd taken himself off to his parents whilst I was out with DD. We haven't been sitting around glaring at each other.

He is a man-child, as one poster has suggested. He's hiding instead of having a conversation about it.

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear - but he has form for just hiding rather than address things, so the festering is on both of us in this case.

OP posts:

TopshopCropTop · 15/12/2024 21:31

No wonder he’s hiding, you sound like an absolute dragon that treats him like he’s 7.

BunnyLake · 15/12/2024 21:31

SharpOpalNewt · 15/12/2024 21:28

I find it a bit odd to check a phone tracker but not go downstairs to have a look if he had come back.

But then I find tracking other people's phones a bit odd generally. I don't see the point at all.

I randomly checked my son’s phone today. He let me have it when he went to Uni. I wish I hadn’t checked though as his phone showed it was in the River Thames. My anxiety shot through the roof. I checked again half an hour later and it was back on a normal street. I’ve vowed never to check again unless it’s an absolute necessity.

Findmethesmallestviolin · 15/12/2024 21:31

I was assuming this was going to be a reverse. You are being completely unreasonable - he did what you asked. If you actually cared rather than just wanting to sulk then you’d have got up and done something about it and likely found him.

LPOG · 15/12/2024 21:32

Just apologise then.

KrisAkabusi · 15/12/2024 21:33

So based on your last update you've gone from "It's all his fault" to "It was my fault, but it's still his fault really".

GravyBoatWars · 15/12/2024 21:33

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/12/2024 21:26

I wou,don't be happy with him going to his mums. He's just leaving you with the family load. Ask him to get his backside home, make up!

He’s had three days of intentional silent treatment for doing exactly as his spouse asked. I’d leave too. It’s not on him to make peace with OP or be her punching bag.

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 21:34

One poster has declared he's a man child and that's the thing you choose to focus on rather than your own behaviour? Stop making excuses and stop treating badly. You have chosen 3 days of punishment for doing exactly what you told him to. I'd be buggering off to my parents too.

Ablondiebutagoody · 15/12/2024 21:34

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 21:30

He is a man-child, as one poster has suggested. He's hiding instead of having a conversation about it.

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear - but he has form for just hiding rather than address things, so the festering is on both of us in this case.

Did you sleep on the sofa on Friday?

Eenameenadeeka · 15/12/2024 21:36

Notice how you responded to the ONE person who called him a man child, and disregarded that everyone else pointed out how wrong you are.
It's no wonder he's hiding from you when you are this dramatic. It didn't need a conversation to begin with - he came in and didn't wake you, just like you asked. The wrong assumption that he wasn't in was all on you. The only conversation needed now is an apology from you for this controlling overreaction.

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/12/2024 21:36

Are you really in your forties because you are behaving like a spoilt woman-child!

Its not his fault you woke up at 4 . He did as you asked & didn’t wake you up.

Ridiculous

DarkForces · 15/12/2024 21:36

What exactly is he meant to address by the way? Are you seriously claiming if he tried to defend himself you'd have responded calmly and rationally and listened? It's certainly not coming across like that.

xyz111 · 15/12/2024 21:36

He got in late, did as he was told and slept on the sofa. You need to find another tracking app (or just stop tracking each other!!!)

If he's doing shifts that wake you, that's not his fault. Do you think he should find another job? Either wear ear plugs, sleep in another room, go to bed earlier yourself so if he wakes you early, it's not a big deal. But you seem so pissed off by him in general, that's why you can't just roll over and go to sleep. My DH is on call during the night so can be woken multiple times in the night. I just roll over and go back to sleep as I don't get worked up about it.

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 21:36

I think this is the straw that broke the camels back and there is a lot more going on here.

If he runs off to his parents every time you have a row - that’s completely unacceptable and I wouldn’t tolerate it one bit. He sounds very emotionally avoidant there.

But you really need to learn to give less of a fuck about him OP. If he goes out and freezes to death or can’t get a taxi home, that’s on him.

The fact you’re tracking him at all suggests there are trust issues at play here. I wouldn’t even dream of tracking my dh. Not that I need to - he never goes anywhere!

GravyBoatWars · 15/12/2024 21:36

I'm obviously unreasonable to have been annoyed, that's very clear - but he has form for just hiding rather than address things, so the festering is on both of us in this case.

Nope. You were fully in the wrong for getting angry and blaming him. You need to apologize and mend this. He is not equally at fault for not apologizing (since he did zero wrong) or trying to appease you in that time.

NewGreenDuck · 15/12/2024 21:37

I think I would have gone into hiding too! Quite possibly he'd have been given a good telling off for standing up for himself and pointing out that he did as he was told.

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