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AIBU?

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Original poster

3 day argument: Am I overreacting?

229 replies

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 23:34

I am in disbelief you didn’t automatically go down stairs first. Then if he wasn’t there check your phone.
He was where you asked him to be. .
You knew he would be in at 2am and he was

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 23:37

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 23:25

Rather than drip feed here all the underlying resentments that have led to my unreasonable reaction to this specific incident, I'll start a new thread at some point. Thank you to everyone who shared their feedback, and especially those who spotted that this was a 'straw that broke the camels back' situation, that's been really helpful for me to get some perspective and prepare for a bigger conversation with DH tomorrow.

Best of luck op .
Hope you can both move forward

AnotherSunnyDay7 · 15/12/2024 23:53

ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 15/12/2024 22:34

@VolcanoPedalo reading between the lines I'm going to assume your DH is emergency services? Police by any chance? (Given all the talk of 'shifts' and mid week days off?) 99% of posters here won't get the sacrifice and annoyance of being married to someone who's Job takes over the whole families life. YANBU!

This is mental.

Empathise with her situation and agree she can be feeling a certain way about her relationship. That's one thing. But to suggest she is not being unreasonable in this situation beggars belief.

treesocks23 · 15/12/2024 23:54

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:36

I could hug you right now

Show quote history

My DH has recently joined but he joined in his early forties! It's been a big adjustment with shifts and I struggle with a lot of interrupted sleep from the late back in and early starts but I'm also struggling with sleep due to my own health issues so I'm just having to learn how to manage. However, our children our uni and teen age and so I'm fine with it. We juggle things between us but it's not easy. I've said to him that I wouldn't have found this easy at all when the children were younger as I think I'd feel like a single parent for a good chunk of the time. I can understand why you've overreacted here.

However - my DH doesn't drink and is already actively avoiding some of the socials because he knows they can be heavy and excessive and just not his thing. So that perhaps makes life easier! His fun and social life isn't in a bar or pub.

I don't think your DH has done anything wrong. But it sounds like there's a lot you need to work out between you. Good luck x

motelhotel · 15/12/2024 23:55

I started reading this thinking you were being pretty harsh. Then also read between the lines and guessed police/emergency services.
Honestly from experience you have my sympathy. There is a lot more to this I expect.

IdylicDay · 16/12/2024 05:15

Don't know what everyone here is talking about. YANBU, he is. 3 nights like this, when you're a married man, is ridiculous and taking the piss. He's a married man in his 40s, not a teenager! I'd nip any further nights out in the bud. Staying out like this at his age is ridiculous. If he wants to live the single pub crawling bachelor life, he can fuck off and do it literally as a single bachelor.

IdylicDay · 16/12/2024 05:17

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:35

I've reached out to apologise but also explain that my reaction is a symptom of feeling lonely, invisible and exhausted.

I hold a lot of resentment, which we'll need to address. Including for him running up almost £10k in secret credit card debt which we've been trying to pay off for years, meaning we haven't had a proper holiday in almost a decade. Including me taking on 99% of the load of the family and household (which he doesn't dispute). So yes, I've overreacted to this. I'm at breaking point.

So he can have boozy all nighters pissing the money up a wall, but you can't have a holiday.

He's no-hoper is what I can see.

If you want to stay with him - though I'd walk if I were you, he doesn't sound even remotely worth it - he's going to have to change career/jobs. I think that is rock bottom deal breaker basic starting point.

TheBestLackAllConviction · 16/12/2024 05:48

Yet another example of why adults tracking other adults' movements is a Bad Thing.

diddl · 16/12/2024 08:36

He wasn’t planning to have a big one then after a few pints changed his mind. It happens to all of us everytime.

Nope.

Some of us can decide to leave at a certain time, not get drunk & stick to it.

Especially when there's someone else to think of.

Pensionswew · 16/12/2024 08:49

He's a selfish loser that has rung up debt?
He's not worth it OP.
You need to cut this waster loose.

BunnyLake · 16/12/2024 10:25

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 15/12/2024 22:14

I have had that in Amsterdam too. Showed my DH had driven into a canal and I kept refreshing it 👀 it stayed in the canal and for a moment though OMG did he swerve to avoid a cyclist and end up in a canal with the DC in the backseat?! Then I realised these trackers are not that accurate within a major city because signals bounce off the buildings. Had a good laugh about it later.

Show quote history

Can you believe I am only now able to relax knowing he’s safe. I had high anxiety for the rest of the day and this morning because my last tracking said ‘unknown address’. I’d wished to god I’d never looked his location up in the first place and don’t even know why I did. Finally today he replied to a text I sent him yesterday morning. As a first year uni student he’s been getting drunk and not really used to it, so I worried hugely. I never want to go through that unnecessary stress again. No more random tracking for me.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 16/12/2024 18:49

The message thing? It would have been nice, but no deal breaker for me. But a 40+ year old who goes out and gets hammered? Yes, that would be a deal breaker for sure.

Confusednoodle1 · 16/12/2024 18:56

I assume your DH works for the police. I read your post and could completely sympathise. My now ex worked in the police force and his shift pattern took over our whole family life. My sleep was constantly disrupted by him coming home at all hours or being home but being unable to switch off so being on his phone late in bed when I needed to be up for a 9-5. Constantly missing events, not being able to make plans because they would always finish late. He couldn’t see it because he was barely there. The constant work nights out ramped up the busier and more stressed they all got with work and the need to “let their hair down” increased. This meant work friendships and nights out felt like a priority over family life and quality time. The constant sacrifice and then being made to feel second priority wore thin after a few years and I decided to leave. This is why police officers end up in relationships together, because they understand and can sympathise in a way no one else can.

Witknit · 16/12/2024 19:36

YABU he did as requested.
However, I do see why you'd be annoyed, especially as you then had work. I would be really irritated and would probably BU too!

lionloaf · 16/12/2024 19:37

I would be raging if my partner treated me the way you’re treating yours.

Loopylambs · 16/12/2024 19:39

I don’t think it’s about the night out it’s about a lot more things . He’s probably exhausted too , getting up at 4.15 am , looking after DD when you’re working away oversees etc . Sleeping on the sofa so he didn’t wake you up as you requested is reasonable . He couldn’t win , if he’d have come up to bed you would have been cross too .

EmeraldA129 · 16/12/2024 19:54

Chester23 · 15/12/2024 20:38

He did as you asked. YABU. Why didn't you check if he was on the sofa when you woke?

Exactly this. Sorry op, but YABVU.

Toptops · 16/12/2024 20:14

YABU. He slept on the sofa, like you said.
You should have checked but obviously your pissedoffness with him goes beyond this occasion

Mere1 · 16/12/2024 21:02

StrawberryWater · 15/12/2024 20:41

YABU

He did as you asked.

You could easily have checked the sofa.

Definitely.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 16/12/2024 21:13

YABU he did exactly as you asked, didn't wake you up and slept on the sofa.

Starlightstarbright4 · 16/12/2024 22:07

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 22:35

I've reached out to apologise but also explain that my reaction is a symptom of feeling lonely, invisible and exhausted.

I hold a lot of resentment, which we'll need to address. Including for him running up almost £10k in secret credit card debt which we've been trying to pay off for years, meaning we haven't had a proper holiday in almost a decade. Including me taking on 99% of the load of the family and household (which he doesn't dispute). So yes, I've overreacted to this. I'm at breaking point.

Your breaking point is your breaking point .. However your appology isn’t an appology . It’s I am sorry but …..

You need to discuss the other stuff at another time .

WeddingBlues12 · 16/12/2024 22:49

On this situation alone I would say YABU but when reading all of your responses, this clearly is part of a bigger problem and I have sympathy for you OP. It’s not nice feeling unappreciated and I hope the support shown here can lead you to make some important decisions and changes.

peachystormy · 17/12/2024 00:17

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:42

The phone tracker showed he was still out in the city. I made the 'sleep on the sofa' comment as a bit of a joke to emphasise how I really needed him to not get hammered and wake me up because of the important meeting I had the next morning. He assured me, multiple times, that he wasn't going to get hammered and stay out late.

sorry but what did you expect him to do? It's a Xmas night out of course he was going to go out and get hammered. Give him a break, did you really think he should have came home and charged his phone before he conked out on sofa? Your being unreasonable

Jumpingthruhoops · 17/12/2024 01:27

VolcanoPedalo · 15/12/2024 20:34

DH is going on 3 Xmas work nights out this year. (He recently changed teams and has been invited out with old colleagues as well as new ones).

His 2nd Xmas night out was on Thursday. I had a Very Important Meeting on Friday morning. He knew this. As he was leaving the house, I said that if he got really drunk and rolled home at 2 in the morning, not to wake me up and sleep on the sofa. He assured me he wouldn't be getting drunk and staying out late.

He got really drunk and stayed out till 2am.

To be fair, he didn't wake me up when he got in. But I did wake up at 4am and saw he wasn't in bed. I checked the family tracker app and it showed that he was still out in the nearby city where he'd gone for the evening. I was worried - it was 4am - so I called him. No reply. Lay there worrying until 7am when DD woke up, went downstairs with her pretending everything was normal, but feeling absolutely sick with worry. Find DH on sofa.

I'd been awake worrying since 4am, meaning I was completely shattered for my important work meeting. He doesn't see what the problem is, he didn't want to wake me up. The tracker didn't update because his phone died, apparently. There's a charger in the living room, assume he was too drunk to plug his phone in and message me to say he was home and crashing on the sofa.

We have barely spoken since.

I am in general feeling unappreciated, and this lack of consideration (couldn't he have sent a message earlier in the evening saying he'd be staying out later after all?) has really upset me.

He doesn't seem to understand how horrible it was to wake up at 4am and think he wasn't home. As far as he's concerned, he did me a favour by not waking me up when he got in drunk.

We're mid-40s and I just find this 'oh dear I seem to have got hammered' behaviour a bit pathetic. He's gone to his parents to stay tonight 'to give me space'. He doesn't like being 'in trouble' so has just fucked off.

I realise I might come across as the fun police.

YABU: He was on the sofa, get over it
YANBU: He was thoughtless to not even send a message

Sorry but, yes, you're massively overreacting. He did what you asked when he rolled in late; slept on the sofa. The fact you subsequently 'laid awake worrying' is unfortunate but not really his problem.

Honestly, it's a lot of fuss over a night out. Just air your views the next morning and move on. Is this really what you want to be arguing over!?

MoonWoman69 · 17/12/2024 09:35

YABU