Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

Of course the OP's posts are personal.
How ridiculous.🙄
Do some people actually not understand how MN works?🙄

I really hope the OP gives her sister and her nephew a wide berth.

No one is entitled to share your home and Christmas, particularly when they are rude, entitled, don't correct their child and think they can tantrum and impose on the OP and her life.

The OP owes her nothing.
Her son definitely owes a cousin that he doesn't particularly enjoy, his company.

I don't believe in foisting children on each other.

Good advice.

What do you mean by your cottage?
Do you not live there permanently??

There’s clearly so much going on here in the background for both you and your sister. I’m sorry you appear so upset by the relationship breakdown with your sister and clearly feel wronged by her behaviour.

You are obviously in your rights to not invite your sister. Your sister is in her right to feel upset by this. It sounds like your relationship is difficult. I do feel sorry for your son and your nephew to be in the middle of it and I do feel sorry for your mother who is clearly going to be stuck in the middle of it all too. You have had people validate your feelings about your sister and you have had people disagree with your approach to your sister. At the end of the day about Christmas this will only prolong difficulties in the relationship and not resolve anything. Also you have to accept that your mother may choose to spend Christmas with your sister rather than you and your son but that’s also her choice. I hope for all of you though that it can be resolved somehow and you can move forward. It sounds from your replies to people you would rather go NC with sibling rather than low contact. I think if you want those boundaries that’s fine but you have to try not to drag people into it like your mother. This would include explaining to your mother why you are going NC and you don’t want to put her in the middle so if she wants to spend Christmas with your sister you understand. Then make alternative arrangements.

moving forward I think if the arguments start on social media it may be best communicating with your sister by phone or in person rather than online or by text when things can come across worse than intended.

So you don't approve of her choosing to be a single mum or why keep mentioning it?

For the sake of the little boy cousins who love each other and for the sake of your mother, perhaps you could hug it out.
Try to be supportive of one another.
You are sisters. How nice it would be to ask her to Christmas and to start afresh.
Love her and befriend her with no expectation of anything back. That is unconditional love at work.

I agree, I can’t see the relevance?

True though. The fact you are posting on her about it sounds very juvenile.

I really can’t see what is so awful about the sister. Is she a royal pain in the arse? Probably. Can’t choose your family, unfortunately. It is unclear if the sister would be alone on Christmas day and I think that’s exceptionally shitty for the little boy if they are alone.’I could never do that to my nephew, whatever I thought of my sister and trust me, mine is not the easiest character to say the least!

It’s clearly not a good relationship but OP seems to accept zero responsibility and has spent the whole thread commenting on her sister’s apparently toxic behaviours but nothing she’s said is terrible.

Based on the OP’s posts, I cannot see that she is totally blameless. The way she has come across on this thread suggests - to me - she has contributed to the breakdown of the relationship and it’s not “just” that the sister is a horrible person.
Seems as shame for all the children involved to not sit down and them both try.

Reading your post, I sense a lot of judgement from you, towards your sister. You seem judgemental about her being a single mother, of having used a donor, of her son throwing around toys, her parenting style, etc. Do you feel that you’re better than her perhaps, or dislike her being around you/ your son. You mentioned that your nephew loves your son, not that they love each other. Do you feel that your sister is pathetic and desperate for the attention of yours / your son’s time? That’s how it read to me.

If I read correctly, then I can see why your sister is so upset with you and let it boil over into anger/ frustration.

I know that she chose to have a child herself, without a partner, but solo parenting is very tough. As her sister, maybe her expectation of you is that you will be sympathetic, supportive or kind. Her expectation isn’t being met and you are showing her that you don’t care much for her issues or her mess/ son. It’s your choice, but it is a sad one.

What’s wrong with her wanting her son to hang out with his cousin? My whole life most of the time my uncles and aunts got together it was for us to play.
grow up?

I love one-sided stories

If her sister values her sister and wants her child to socialise with his cousin, perhaps she should make sure she parents him so that he behaves reasonably and she treats her sister with normal courtesy and consideration.

If the OP and her child don't enjoy their behaviour and tantrums, they really are under zero obligation to host them for Christmas just because they are family.

As her sister, maybe her expectation of you is that you will be sympathetic, supportive or kind. Her expectation isn’t being met and you are showing her that you don’t care much for her issues or her mess/ son. It’s your choice, but it is a sad one.

@Findinganewme It does sound as if the sibling expectations are mismatched here. One sibling wants support and tantrums when she doesn’t get what she wants. The OP currently doesn’t want to give that support as she doesn’t like her sister’s behavior…neither one seems prepared to back down.

Oh, I missed some rude posts of yours. Do you have a problem with me?
My question was simple, do I invite a sister who clearly takes me for granted or not? What can possibly generate an insult?

No, I have a house and a cottage where we go to spend a weekend from time to time to get away from the city.

Then go talk to my sister.

I mentionned it ONCE, but people keep commenting on it. I don't care if she's single or not, my decision is based on her behaviour, not relationship status.

@amyds2104
My mom doesn't get involved in our problems, we'll just spend time with her on different days. Her best friend has 4 adult kids and their spouses who constantly fight LOL.

Just think about it: spending holidays alone (and trying to find a friend to spend it with) versus spending time with your partner. Now you see it?

Nobody's perfect, but even if I am the difficult one and she's nice, I am bothered by her behaviours (including many not mentioned in this post) and things she says. It annoys me having her sitting on a sofa looking into her phone in my house, it annoys me that she doesn't discipline my nephew, it annoys me that when I discipline him, she teaches me how to do it her way, it annoys me that she doesn't help out, it annoys me that she complains that I dare doing things without her, I can't even see my mom without her complaining that she was left out (and she sees my mom often AND NEVER advises me), it annoys me that soon after I help her with something, she manages to make me feel bad. She could be nice all she wants, we are just not compatible and I always thought that if she weren't my sister, we would never be friends. Or if we were friends, she would have behaved differently.

I became a mother almost 17 years ago and guess who was criticizing my parenting? My childless younger sister. She once even told me to mind my business in front of my son who was 6 because I asked not not to give him a phone to play with. I was so offended that I still remember it.

Now that she became a mother, she decided that she's a parenting expert and even teaches me how to handle her own son that she has trouble handling.

She never apologizes or admits that she's wrong. I never had any particular expectations of her as an aunt. My son was abandonned by his father when he was around 3 and I raised him alone, she was always travelling or partying. If she has expectations regarding her son, she should have discussed them with me. I live in the suburbs, but she was always welcomed to my house and I helped her when they were here. But she's never happy. If she's upset with me for something, I no longer care really. It's been a month and she never reached out, so she doesn't care either I presume.

That sounds quiet right.
When I f*ck up, I do try to step on my ego and apologize.
She hasn't and to me, it means that she's taking me for granted, because in the past, we just resumed talking normally after a break. I guess she's expecting us getting together for the holidays as if nothing. And then, there will be another tantrum later.

Your denial is clearly working.

All of our collected intuitions are obviously wrong.

Regardless of your perception of your sister’s behaviour you manage to not exhibit an ounce of empathy towards her.

How do you expect her to be empathetic or even receptive to your opinions when you have no compassion for her whatsoever. Someone has to be the bigger person, and despite your attempts to persuade us here that you’re the wronged party you also repeatedly reveal how your attitude is not better than how you describe your sister’s to be.

Someone has to behave like an adult. You’ve demonstrated to us all here how that won’t be you.