Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

True though.

Your kids liking their cousins means you have to host them on Xmas day?!

Just get together before Xmas, minus the children, and thrash out your differences, put it all to bed, invite her for Xmas. Life is really too short for petty childish behaviour. I couldn’t be arsed with all this unnecessary drama.

Definitely don’t invite her. It will ruin your Christmas running around after her and serving her food and watching her son throw your son’s toys around.

I feel sorry for your mum. Look it’s Xmas, invite her and her nephew. After Xmas by all means make it clear that you and your son are not there to entertain them and if you have plans then you have plans.

All I would say is life is too short and I wish I had a sister ( or brother)

I get it OP because I could have written a similar post. My sil is a single mum (no father on the scene at all) and as a result used to rely heavily on me and her parents to entertain her and her son and keep her company. She's the type of person who would only contact when she wanted something. I wouldn't hear from her on my birthday or my own children's birthday but you can bet I heard from her every school holiday she was at a loose end. She could also be very mean and isn't someone I'd choose to spend time with because we're such different people. If we couldn't make a meet-up, all hell would break loose, and both she and her mum would be on our backs.

Unfortunately unless you're in this situation you're unlikely to understand.

Meh, if she wants to see you, why can’t she invite you to her house?

You seem to dislike your sister and perhaps it is mutual, but she feels she needs you more than you need her, so she can't let the connection go completely. Also the little cousins love each other so you won't want to fall out completely, for their sake. You don't have to invite her for Christmas but perhaps it's time to see if you can both move beyond your resentment and enjoy each other a bit more. You grew up together and must have some things in common.

I'm going to assume you mention 'single mother via a donor' to highlight she doesn't have a partner to spend Christmas Day with and you are DN's closest relative after his mum - hopefully you're not being judgemental.

Sounds like you need to have a chat and try to see each others perspectives a bit better...if your mum will be at yours for Christmas and your sister is close to your mum, it makes sense to invite her but maybe tell her you want to make sure the drama between you is sorted beforehand. No point being 'cold', just explain the issues and see if you can resolve them

Invite who you like for Christmas. It does sound a bit childish tbh - blocking on FB, seriously? - but you don’t need to have her in your house if you don’t want to (and I wouldn’t either, life’s too short to engage with people who block you on FB, lol).

Your sister may be more in the wrong than you, but it's a close call. Don't invite her for Christmas day, if you don't want to, but stop all this petty tit-for-tat. It was draining to read and must be even more draining to live. Model better behaviour to your children (maybe communicate face to face rather than through SM).

“She decided to mirror my coldness”

This is hilarious. As is you being angry for her not saying happy birthday to your son when you didn’t to hers. Do you own a mirror?

Also - of course she wants to meet up so her son sees his cousin and has some company. This is completely normal.

The only reason I mentionned that is that she doesn't have other family. Sorry if it came across as judgemental, I love being a mother and I would never judge a person who would conceive through a donor.
I guess what I meant is should I suck up the behaviour I don't consider respectful because she's a single mother and her child (other than his friends) doesn't have other family.

Don't you want a relationship with your nephew, or for your children to have a relationship with their cousin? Because, if you do, then you'll need to find a more adult way to deal with your sister (and vice versa obviously). So no, you don't need to invite her to spend Christmas with you but what next? Do you ever initiate any contact with her?

No, it definetely wasn't my intention. She's very sociable and has friends. But her son seems to always go to our house and hosting her is not help. Help was with her car, listening to her problems with her business (she never listens to me and always looks bored when I mention mine), buying her stuff, helping her in her flat when she was sick, things like that.
She also made some negative comments about me making her feel bad 2 weeks after she stayed in my cottage and having a good time. Cottages here are expensive, so I don't understand why she had to make me feel bad after enjoying something for free (also didn't help much with food or dishes or controlling her son's behaviour).
I guess the fact that she's single and finds it hard contributes to her frustrations, otherwise I wouldn't have mentionned it.

That's exactly right and that her son doesn't have other family than us.

You both sound as petty as each other, and you both need to grow up, fast.

I bet the children have more sense, than the pair of you put together.

Don’t ruin Christmas for them.

I had to show up at the party otherwise it would have been a mortal offense. And she actually expected me there despite the fight which shows that she's not taking it seriously.
I sort of tried to mention the issue on my birthday to which she said that I don't understand her as usual. Nothing more.
All my past attempts to talk to her ended up with her becoming agressive and blocking me very fast, so I don't even try anymore. Otherwise I am a person who's for discussing issues, that's the reason I didnt allow her to pretend like nothing happened.

It's ten days till Christmas if I hadn't had an invitation by about Halloween I sure as heck wouldn't be expecting one now. You may find you and your son are on your own. Unless you are all local. They will have ordered food and such ages ago

Let her have better, except that when she's unwell, I'm the only there apparently.

By the way, I used to be a single mother, don't see any issue or offense there. It just means that the person doesn't have her partner to celebrate with.

My kids are doing just fine. Thank you for your concern.

Why the emphasis on her being a single mum and having used a donor?

It sounds to me like you are judging her/feeling a bit superior because she does not have a partner/father for her kid and she might pick up on this...

As someone has already said, you should both be a bit more mature and focus on the fact that both boys enjoy spending time together.

It's just one day so invite her and let this be an opportunity for you both to start anew.
Your sister being a single parent is irrelevant IMO, whatever the circumstances.
So are millions of others, myself included

She did use "my nephew" at least once in the OP.

@Anuta77 maybe you should sit down and talk this out like 2 adults instead of fighting over social media!