Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

Yes this child is YOUR NEPHEW! Also her being a single parent is irrelevant

That’s a really shitty attitude to have. The boys are individuals. They want to have a relationship, and as they’re both children it needs to facilitated by the OP and her sister. That’s what being a parent is about.

Their relationship is separate to that of the OP and her sister.

The boys are individuals. They want to have a relationship,

Actually OP doesn’t say her son wants a relationship with his cousin. You’ve made that up. She said ‘My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him’.

The nephew is defiant, has behaviour problems and is not disciplined by his mother, so throws his cousins toys everywhere.

I had a cousin like this, I did not want a relationship with her, I didn’t want her in my room and messing up my toys.

OP doesn’t need to facilitate anything, she should do what’s best for HER family, not her sister’s.

Not if the sister is using the OP as a free child care service, forgetting she has kids/responsibilities of her own and not reciprocating.

Right, but given that my sister seems to have complexes about her son (who is an extrovert and I'm sure will not have any issues to have a large circle of friends as a grown up and I told her that), shouldn't see behave respectfully if she wants to facilitate this relationship? She actually even bought a book about giving and receiving as she apparently noticed issues with people she was trying to have playdates with, but somehow absolutely doesn't apply it with me, because as a sister, it's OK to take me for granted.

@Manara
That's why you understand! My son is annoyed with his cousin, not always, but he definetely doesn't ask for him. But even if he did, unfortunately, when the adults don't get along, it does affect their children. If my nephew was well behaved, I could have PROBABLY ignored my sister sitting on the sofa with her phone for holidays, so that the kids play. But I'm also trying to teach my kids not to accept sh*t from people and surround themselves with positive influences.

After my birthday, my teenager asked me why I was sad and told me he felt bad for me.

Not at all, I absolutely don't jugde anyone for having kids with a donor, I even considered it myself once. And no, I absolutely don't think my family setup is superior. Partner or not, we all have our struggles, but if someone has a complexe about their situation, they would think that I consider myself better.

But my sister did brag about how she has her son to herself and doesn't need to take some guy's opinion on his education or whatever. She was arrogant about it, and since you mention “you made your bed, now lie in it”, she got what she wished for: a difficult child that she has to raise alone (and she doesn't miss an opportunity to compare him to me since we're both Sagittariuses). And now, she makes me feel responsible for her complexes about his supposed loneliness, which was the cause of our rift (not for the first time).

I totally understand. We had our cousin forced on us every weekend because she was an only child. Her mum allowed her to hit his us, take our toys home, and say whatever she wanted.

Even though my cousin is a nice woman now, we never became close because she was forced on us. Our aunt still tries to force us to have a relationship and doesn't understand that that ship sailed when she allowed her dd to behave badly.

I think you are right not to teach your son that you don't have to deal with toxic people just because they're family.

@Manara
That's unfortunate.
I also think that even when kids play well together, they can still grow apart later on (not to mention that these days people move a lot). And the parents who feel bad for their kids don't understand that, basically using other people to alleviate their immediate fears.
My nephew is smart and very sure of himself, I'm sure he will be fine.

@Anuta77

But my sister did brag about how she has her son to herself and doesn't need to take some guy's opinion on his education or whatever. She was arrogant about it, and since you mention “you made your bed, now lie in it”, she got what she wished for: a difficult child that she has to raise alone (and she doesn't miss an opportunity to compare him to me since we're both Sagittariuses).

Look you very clearly feel aggrieved in some way either about the way she raises her son or the way she talks about raising him. It's very obvious from the way you post about it: there's a noticeable lack of compassion in the way you talk about it and a sense that you think she has been arrogant.

I can understand your frustration and no doubt she hasn't always been tactful but I can also see where your sister is coming from as a former single parent.

Ultimately though you have to remember you are family, you are both raising children (in different ways) and the greater good is for you and your children to get along and live in a stable, happy, extended family. Point scoring and mithering one another is not going to support that so ultimately you both need to bite your lips, grow up and get on with it.

Read the room?
If you like siblings tantrums for no reason, good for you. Many people did agree with me that I either don't invite her or clear the air, something I might consider although decent people should fix their mistakes on their own.

Yes, he will be fine. One of my sisters is similar. She wanted to raise her daughters to be strong and confident, which is great, but the way she did that was to laugh at their naughty behaviour and encourage them to just take and not share etc.

How she raises her child is her prerogative but that doesn't mean you need to offer your child for this experience.

@Ishallgototheball Although some have been negative a lot of posters agree with her stance (me included on the whole) but whether you agree or not, there is no need to be rude to the OP just because YOU disagree. She is merely trying to explain her perspective, which is why she is here in the first place, its OK to counter but no need for the rudeness when you do exactly what you are accusing her of doing i.e. posting, not to add reasoned input, but to be rude and ignore other peoples right to an opinion.

Do you understand that the OP is a former single parent herself? I think you are misinterpreting why she has provided this information. And its relevant that her sister is a single parent (brave choice) by donor as it means she planned it.

The OP has made it quite clear that having been a single parent herself and that she was supportive of her sister having a child via a donor but when planning it, it seems her sister has included a sense of entitlement about abandoning the management of her child when she is with the OP and insists that the OP is available at her beck and call on a weekend and its not a reciprocal arrangement, her sister won't even answer her calls if the OP tried to ring, that is the crux of the matter.

OP has her own family and commitments and yes, she is happy to socialise and support her sister when she can but she is not a proxy parent/partner and the traffic appears to be going all one way. And her sister even brags that she does not have to take into account the Fathers opinion - presumably a dig at the OP.

When she and you express yourselves it’s opinion, but when I express myself I’m rude.

Brilliant!😂😂

You are free to express your opinion, that is what the OP has asked for but the following is very rude and not helpful "This thread should’ve been posted in the “I’m in denial that I can be angry and judgemental about others when really I need to be kind. Please help me stop arguing with everyone whose opinion does not take my perspective” section.
Read the room."

What has OP done that’s so bad?

Just no need for this type of personal attack at all.

How do you not see your own hypocrisy here.
The OP’s repeated posts are all incredibly personal about someone.
What rational reason is there to not chastise the OP for her behaviour, yet tick off an occasional poster like me who merely mirrors the OP’s behaviour.
You can see me doing it, why do you conspire to hide that behaviour by the OP ?

Yanbu, imo. She doesn’t need to be invited every time you do something and I’d be reluctant to have her son at the house when he sounds very poorly behaved and she isn’t disciplining him. You’re allowed to have your life without her constantly being involved.

The mass majority of posts on here are about an unknown third party or parties, that's what it is all about. You started the "pot and kettle" bit and I asked it to stop. Not engaging in this as there is no need for it.

Again, what’s OP done that’s so bad?