Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

The mum would likely go with the sister for the day knowing that she would be alone.

So OP wouldn’t see the sister, nephew or mum on that day which is maybe what she wants but I would personally suck it up too.

Unfortunately we haven't managed to deal with it and so we're very low contact with her. She couldn't quite grasp that we get limited holidays and don't get every school holiday off like her (she works in a school) and didn't want to use all our annual leave to spend time with her. It's also caused issues with her parents because they very much sided with her in thinking we have some responsibility towards her because she's on her own and doesn't have many friends.

It sounds like there’s a lot of background here otherwise the reactions of both of you sound a bit much. I think you both maybe just need to listen more to what each is saying and listen and communicate without too much judgment.
I just wanted to offer a couple of thoughts too. I’m married and have one child. Having more isnt possible. One thing I worry about is that my daughter will be lonely so I really like when she plays with her cousins, I want her to have a close relationship with them as possible. Maybe this plays in to your sisters thinking.
It also sounds like there is a bit of judgement on your side that she brought things on herself by having a child on her own using a donor. But we all need help sometimes as parents. And that’s the point when you might reach out to your DS. My sister and I get on well but we don’t text each other endlessly during the week. It tends to be when we need each other, we try to help each other out when we can as we are all just trying to muddle. We don’t expect extravagant gestures of gratitude either. Anyway, I hope you can work things out

Really? My mom has been there for us and especally her in the past years and I found it absolutely awful to hear her insult her. No, it's NOT normal.

It is quite normal for siblings to let off steam about parents to each other, it doesn't mean it's always pleasant though.

Okay well your post came across as so judgemental about that, but fair enough

Tbh you need to hash it out otherwise you risk losing your relationship - i wouldn't think that Christmas is the time to cut her off if that's what you want to do

Apart from the way you phrased it, it just sounds like sisterly squabbles

Because I don't have the need to get out of the house every single weekend like her. I have a lot of things to do at home and I also have a teenage son and a teenager step-daughter, so we don't just do kids activities. We don't have the same reality.
I also have to visit my elderly mom on the weekends and she was sometimes going there too, so we saw each other there.

I have no idea why you posted as you're not taking anything on board.

God, I can see why you don't want to! Would it be worth using the opportunity to try and clear the air though?

If it was me I would invite her but tell her a few home truths and make it clear how you expect her to behave - ie join in properly, put the phone down, play with the kids and lend a hand.

Do it for your DN at least, and if she misbehaves you will a) have your mum as witness and b) it gives you a good reason to refuse next time.

OP, I think the issue is many people here don’t understand what it’s like to have a sister like this. It’s extremely draining and frustrating.

I’m NC with one of my sisters for similar behaviour and it’s very freeing knowing I don’t have to put up with her anymore.

I don’t know why you’re being told to suck it up, MN is usually in favour of going NC with relatives like this.

It's relevant as his father isn't in the picture

Why would she go nc? It’s not an abuse situation.

It doesn’t have to be an abuse situation to go NC.

And I haven’t said OP should go NC necessarily, I’m just surprised that she’s being told to suck it up.

People seem to be putting the nephew above OP’s own well-being.

this ^

but also, if she is expecting you to be there constantly for company it is unfair.

She needs to find her own friends/fun/days out etc with her child.

I think it would be really mean not to invite her, especially as it means her son won't get to see his cousin. The two of them alone at Xmas sounds a bit lonely, and if your mum is invited but not her and her son, it will make things SO much worse between you. Is that what you really want?

However, I do think you should meet up and clear the air before Christmas. I understand that without her having a partner in her life, she's more reliant on you for company than she would be otherwise. But things change. One day it might be you being single, and her with a partner and more kids around and family house. Treat her the way you would want to be treated in those circs.

Not to invite her and him for Christmas when you've already nabbed your mum for the day is just not the way to go. The problems sound like petty stuff, not insurmountable stuff. You don't mention your personal circs, but if you're partnered up, then you likely have much more support and money and a nicer house than she does. So be good to her. (I know people might say that it's her fault for having a kid by donor, but not everyone is lucky enough to find a good partner, and why should they forgo having kids because of that?)

Your Christmas, your house, your guestlist
As long as you can put up with the fallout, you are not being unreasonable

Where this post loses me is why it is necessary to mention specifically that she is a single mother and indeed that she conceived her child via a donor. It feels as though - intentional or not - that there is a level of judgment about her choice as it does not add to the context of your post.

This

Surely you have made plans this close to Christmas so are you changing plans? Disinviting her?

‘ She's Jewish’

Does she even want to be with you in your experience cottage

Stop squabbling and put the children first.

You sound insufferable tbh. You expect her to be grateful for everything and it's clear you think yourself superior, when I wonder what she'd say about you.

Please explain the cottage situation? Because it sounds like two weeks after you were both in the cottage you had a falling out but you don't think she had the right to be upset over something you did because you let her stay at your cottage two weeks prior? That's not how that works ....

With three children at home, you simply don’t have as much time for visits and play dates as she does. That’s not your fault.

You don’t have to invite her for Christmas, but the fact that you’re in a dilemma suggests to be that you feel as if you ought to? I know that feeling! If you’re inviting your Mum, it might just. be easier to invite her as well. If she’s awkward, so be it. You enjoy your day regardless.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your kids can have a relationship with their cousins on their own when they grow up if they are interested and in a way that is satisfying to them.
This is probably the case of the parent projecting their own insecurities onto the kids who otherwise would be fine.

@Anuta77 l clearly remember your last post. Your sister sounds entitled, controlling and rude. Don’t invite her! It will be the usual bad manners from her, nephew running wild (that’s a dig at her, not him), her not contributing etc. She might think she’s the first ever single mum -she’s really not!

OP, i think you need an extended break from her.
You do not owe her a place in your life when she brings such toxicity.
Make up your mind what you want to do.
Tell your mother your decision.
Tell het you do not want to discuss your decision.
Your mother is welcome to have Christmas with you, but you will understand if she wants to have Christmas with your sister.

Take space and see a lot less of her.
We teach people how to treat us.

You do not owe someone who treats you poorly a place in your life, even family.

The previous post gave a distinct vibe that OP, her mother, wider family etc need to “compensate” and provide additional support. But no one made her be a single mum. For clarity l have zero issues with donor conceived children or single parents. But l do with people volunteering their family and friends to do their own child rearing. My ex BIL and his wife used to do this, difference was they acted like they were the first people ever to have two children 🙄

It sounds like OP is putting a very negative and biased spin on this though. I appreciate it is her view but it seems fairly transparent.

It is fine not to dance to a demanding sister’s tune but to isolate her on Christmas seems quite harsh!