Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

Thank you, yours was a very balanced answer.
Yes, my sister has friends although it's more difficult with my nephew having behaviour issues, but she's much more sociable than I am.
Yes, she feels that I don't reciprocate with invitations, but it's difficult to take the initiative with someone who's often there (unless she has other plans and then she barely replies, which makes me feel like I'm only there when she has nothing else)
Yes, she's struggling, however that doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful and unfair. I am of the opinion that if you screw up, you should fix it yourself and she didn't try to do it. It's been a month since we haven't done any activity other then the birthday and she seems to be just find living her life. I am fine without seeing her too.

Good, you seem to acknowledge some of her issues and understand they are not yours to resolve.....but does she recognise it and understand the needs you have in your life too? She can't just ignore you when it suits her and then make demands for the weekend.

You can both take your bat and balls home (which is where you seem to be now) or you can sit down and have a calm discussion about what it is that she thinks you don't understand and counter (nicely), with the things she doesn't understand about the way you feel. Set boundaries and expectations of each other.

If it fails, it fails, but you will have tried and your Mum will know this.

And I say what I say as I have a similarly demanding situation with my sister, there are many parallels and like you I got to a stage where I just called a halt to it and it did not go well.....there are some people that lack self awareness and have to have it pointed out, which is never a discussion that is initially well received. They demand and I am heartless, abandoning my family if I do not comply....simply because I have other long standing plans for the day they have decided (at a whim) that I must attend something.

Do you normally all spend Christmas together, as in your family, your Mum and sisters family? I would counsel against leaving her out at the moment, if its normal for you all to be together, because it will add fuel to her fire. But if you don't normally spend the time together, leave her to it but expect your Mum to spend Christmas with her rather than you, as otherwise your sister and nephew will be on their own.

You are both a bad example to your sons.
Grow up!

This. You are as bad as each other.

This.
It is clear that you are utterly unwilling to consider that you (OP) may have made a significant contribution to this situation.
Every item that you retell here is slanted against your sister or her son.
Where are the instances of you admitting any human frailty, any irritable word, any self-serving phrase.

Are you an angel walking amongst us?

As long as you maintain this supercilious air you’ll never have peace with your sister.

And as some others have said, what a terrible role model you present for the other children you influence.

In summary GTFU.

Why invite someone you dislike for Christmas? Or any other weekend for that matter?

Ask your Mum where she'd like to spend Christmas, offer but don't demand. And don't invite your sister.

Well obviously you two clash so probably best to keep at a distance from each other. Don't invite her round, be civil when you are together somewhere but just decline invites or visits.

Just tell her you don't want all this drama, you wish her well but will be staying at a distance from her from now on.

If she kicks off just walk away/ hang up. You don't HAVE to engage with her. You don't HAVE to have a closer relationship than you're comfortable with.

If she leaves the parenting to you @Anuta77 when she visits then complains how you do it/doesn’t back you up then I’d not have her visit at all. She sounds awful enough as it is. Don’t invite her.

You're coming across really badly @Anuta77 - like a petulant teenager.

Why are you being so mean! Sounds like you don’t like her because she had a child through a donor and is a single parent. Don’t you want your child to have a relationship with his cousin!?

Where are you getting this from? She has tried talking to her sister, her sister ignores her calls during the week but demands her attention on a weekend and the OPs son doesn't actually ask to see his cousin.

The OP turned up for her nephews party and the sister turned up at her birthday meal but without wishing her happy birthday, no gift no card etc.

Why invite someone into your home that makes life difficult and who expects you to watch their child when you have two of your own.

She just can't take it any more and is not sure how to tackle it as all the reasonable things she has tried are ignored by her sister!

She hasn't said she has withdrawn the Christmas invitation to her sister, she has said she hasn't invited her but neither has her sister invited her?

I agree, @BMW6 . They don't seem to get on particularly well so what's the point of seeing each other regularly? I think it would be nice to invite her for Christmas just because her Mum would probably like it too, but that's up to the OP.

Aside from special occasions though, they both have busy lives and unless they start getting on better, they don't need to hang out. I know people IRL who are demanding and expect their families to expend significant time and energy on them - sometimes it gets too much!

Can you invite her for a short time?

Again...

My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

Why is this a problem? Of course it’s to entertain her son. Why would the reason be anything else? By your own admission, your sons love each other - they’re entertaining each other. It’s not like they don’t get on.

Your sons are individuals in their own right. I know she’s your sister but does it really matter if you’re not chatting away during the week? Do you expect the same from the parents of your son’s friends?

I don't know what your problem is, but you have reading comprehension in addition to it.
GTFU as you say.

If her purpose is to entertain my nephew it's ok. What's not ok is to get angry at me for 1) not being available when she decided I had to be available 2) being unhappy that I dared staying at my cottage with my family and didn't invite her 3) not help out setting up the table or prepping the food that she will eat or cleaning up after or disciplining her son when he misbehaves. I was supporting the 3), but when she became entitled, I lost it.

Thank you @RockOrAHardplace, I'm quiet amazed with some conclusions people make here. While nobody is perfect, why people think that it's ok for an adult woman to have tantrums for a stupidity such as me not being available to do an activity with her. I didn't even give details such as me justifying myself that I have an early cataract and can't drive when it's dark, she couldn't care less. It was just me, me and me.
As much as I'm used to my sister's disrespectful behaviour, I just find it absolutely crazy.
And how some poster thinks that it's ok that she insults our mother to me and I should be totally fine with it, when my mom helped me so much.
Sometimes I think that people live on different planets or maybe for them, it's normal to support unsufferable relatives.

I agree with the first reply. Grow up, both of you.

You do come across that you think you're superior ( "I invited her to my cottage" ) to your sister and expect she feels this in spades.

Why am I superior because I invited her to my cottage?
After staying there occupying a full bedroom while my kids slept outside in a tent, she got upset that I dared going there again to spend a weekend without inviting her. What do you find immature on my behalf? I mean I need to know what to do on, right?

But none of that is relevant to your sons’ relationship. 🤷‍♀️

You are being so immature. Ok so she wants to see you at the weekends but doesn’t text much in the week - that’s understandable. If I know I’m seeing someone at the weekend I probably wouldn’t text them much in between either.

You must know your sister well - did you have an inkling that not telling her you were going to see your mum would bother her? Why not just let her know??

you went to your nephew’s party and didn’t talk to your sister - she did the same to you.

Neither of you come off well but no, I don’t think any of the above is a reason to deliberately leave her (and your nephew) on their own at Christmas

This.

This may not be your intention but it does come across in your post that you have a bit of a “you made your bed, now lie in it,” mindset. The fact you have chosen to mention the fact the son was conceived by a donor is very odd.

You both sound very childish and need to grow up and get over yourselves. But you do exude a sense that your family setup is superior to hers. I wonder if that comes across.

Just clear the air OP. Sit down and tell her that there are times you find her a bit challenging.

She might open up and tell you she's lonely and exhausted.

You can work this out.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years, the early to 10 years old were quite tough at times.

But you know that right? You were a lone parent for a while.

Life is tough enough without going on the war path for resolvable situations.

It’s not OP’s job to give her nephew a happy childhood.

All relationships have to have give and take. The OP’s sister is mostly taking.

Normally MN would be telling an OP with a demanding sister to drop the rope.

On this thread there seems to be higher expectations of OP to be peacekeeper, possibly because people think OP is of a different culture.