Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

How would you feel if your mum decided to spend it with your sister instead?

You’ve seen her at least twice this month already and you now want to randomly stop her coming over at Christmas?

I think you’re being cruel.
And as other PPs have said it is obvious that you think you are superior to her.

If you do stop her from coming then I would also expect your mum not to come too.
So it’s worth thinking about.

You are cutting your nose off to spite your face over petty jealousy.

She’s probably sick of it, as she’s been like this for a while. Must get wearing, especially with having her own life, 3 children etc. The problem with demanding people is the more you give in, then the more they demand!

Any chance you could have a conversation with her. Like an actual adult?

I blocked my sister from FB once so she changed the her Netflix password.

I never done it again. But then again I’m not 16.

Even if you’re not the greatest fan of her right now, don’t punish your nephew by cancelling Xmas.

It sounds like she’s already tried, @TitaniasAss

All my past attempts to talk to her ended up with her becoming aggressive and blocking me very fast, so I don't even try anymore.

What about sitting her down and just spelling it out calmly? You simply can't be as available as she would like, that's the reality. The more she pushes, the further she will push you away. Then every time e she asks and you're not free to help, just repeat the same over and over.

It would be nice for the cousins to have each other. I hope you and your sister find a way

I wouldn't invite her but I would expect your mum to spend Christmas with her rather than with you if you have someone to be with and she doesn't.

They were never invited for Christmas so it’s not being cancelled.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this

I strongly suspect from this alone, that your sister's recount of events will be very different and YABVU.

I guess many people put up with difficult relatives and find it normal. For some reason, I no longer feel like it. If our sisters wanted to have a good relationships, they would make efforts wouldn't they? Dumping their emotional problems and/or taking advantage would result in non relatives going NC and at least my sister doesn't allow herself to behave like that with other people.

You're sisters so this nonsense will go on forever you just have to learn how to manage it

Yes, that's unfortunately the situation. My nephew is very rebellious and active, so she understandably gets tired of him. When he goes to other people's houses, he misbehaves and she has to watch him as several people stopped inviting them to playdates. So it looks like when she goes to my house, it's too relax. I find myself telling him to get down from high beds (and being met with a no), telling him not to throw toys (then she corrects me that I have to say please because she's teaching him manners), convincing him to eat as he's very difficult, consoling my son when he hits him, and then picking up the toys he throws all over the living room and my son's room. Half of the time, she just sits on the sofa or talks about her things.
And the desire to do things with us seem to be to satisfy him, not because we get on so well with her and the reason for our (not first) fight is about me not spending time with them to make them happy.
She even managed to make me feel bad for staying a weekend at my cottage and not inviting them.

Well, when I say Xmas, for us, it doesn't have to be the 23rd, there are several days around Xmas, so my mom can go to both, but she lives close to her and sees her often (and babysits my nephew). I see my mom every 2 weeks, so my mom misses my kids.

I'm confused is it your nephew? Why do you say your sisters son?

I have never managed to have an adult conversation with her, because she turns into a victim and doesn't listen to my side. As I mention in the OP, mentioning our issue to her (which happened more than once) was met with: Oh, as usual you don't understand me. Never admitted to anything wrong (how is it OK to have a tantrum for me not being available at her whim? surely a decent adult would realize that they overreacted and apologized without me having to say anything?
We have a long history of her taking me for granted and allowing herself behaviours I no longer want to support.

And why is that? And what would be her version? LOL

People have different nephews from different siblings, so I was trying to be very clear. Anyway, the post was mainly about my sister.

How about you send her a message stating that you really want Christmas to be nice for the kids and your mom, so you are making your expectations clear to avoid the mixed messages and resentment.
If she wants to come then she needs to show up with thoughtful presents for everyone and a positive attitude. This year she will be expected to pull her head out of her phone and be engaged with everyone. Everyone and everything in your home is to be treated with respect. You will supervise your child and replace any items damaged/broken due to inappropriate/rough use in a timely manner. (You might even want to throw in something about helping clear up, but that could be more of a PITA than you need.)

Absolutely this!
Life is too short to be around miserable CFers sister or not. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you. It's hard at first because of the history you both share but if she really wants a good relationship with you she may see that she hasn't been the nicest.
Merry Christmas @Anuta77 🌸

Sibling relationships can be complicated so I am not going to pass any judgement. I do think that your own kids, including your 7yo, would probably have a nicer Christmas without them if your nephew’s behaviour is challenging and your sister doesn’t discipline him. It sounds like coming to yours gives her a break which is a reasonable thing to want but I don’t think that overrides your kids’ Christmas. If she is raising her child as Jewish I presume the day itself isn’t important so maybe have them over some other day.

"AIBU.

I had an argument with my sister but thought I'd be the bigger man and still invited her to DS's birthday and move past it.

Sister made a big scene saying she "wouldn't allow" me to not reignite the argument in the middle of my kids birthday party!"

Think that pretty much sums it up.

First post nailed it.

In my opinion life is too short for pettiness. I would invite her, lay some ground rules and go from there.

I disagree. Her sister made a brave decision to be a single mum via a donor. It wasn't an accidental pregnancy, it was planned. However she also seems to have factored in, without consulting with the OP, that the OP would be helping her and working with her to help smooth the path.

Reality check, OP has her own life and of course they can help each other, but she does sound entitled. Presumably the OP has her own friends, maybe a partner and/or a job and she values her time too. Yes, OP may have a partner to help her unlike her sister, but you also need to pay attention to your partner and sometimes you need a break from family and let your hair down.

However OP, you do need to sit down and have a discussion with her about this, yes she sounds childish but she did actually turn up for your birthday and then you haven't done much better by inviting your Mum for Christmas and putting her in the middle.

Have you considered that your sister is struggling at the moment and feels that her invitations are not reciprocated and that she is making all the effort - I don't know if that is true. I know you help her out, but that is different to actually asking her to do something socially. Does she have any friends besides her family. What you are perceiving to be clinginess/free childcare, could be loneliness or a need for adult interaction. That doesn't mean its your total responsibility but you need to understand it. What ever it is, you need to sit down, be open minded ask her what it is that you aren't supposed to understand about her - tell her you are both at odds and need to talk about your feelings to find a way through it.

From the original post and subsequent replies you seem just as bad as each other.
But this is only one side of the story, and it seems obvious OP that there is resentment on both sides that goes back a long time.
You come across as very judgemental towards your sister's choice to be a single mother and her parenting style, and very keen to stress the negatives.
Excluding your sister and nephew from Christmas seems more to do with cheap point scoring than anything else.