Not to invite single mother sister to my house for Xmas

[Anuta77]

So my sister seems to have some issue with me around me not initiating weekend plans with her. She's a single mother of a 5 year old son she had from a donor. My nephew loves my 7 year old son and often wants to spend time with him, so my sister would often initiate weekend plans with us. In some way, I always felt like it was mostly to entertain her son as she would barely communicate with me during the week.

In November she decided to have a fight with me because I wasn't available to do some activity with them (I had plans and she was upset that I didn't want to cancel my plans to see our elderly mom and/or didn't notify her that I was going to visit mom). Basically it was just a manifestation of some deep issue she has. After our facebook exchange, she blocked me there.

I saw her beginning of Dec for her son's birthday. She tried to act like nothing happened. I didn't allow this as I'm tired of her tantrums and ungreatfulness (I have helped her several times including when she was sick, invited her to my cottage, etc). She decided to mirror my coldness.

Next day was my birthday, she came with her son, barely uttered Happy birthday (supposedly because I didn't congratulate her with her son's birthday eventhough I came to the party for him!), didn't have a gift, sat on the sofa with her phone while I was setting the table, didn't control her son who was throwing my son's toys everywhere, didn't help even to put some plates to the sink...About our issue said that I, as usual, don't understand her. Nothing more.

Never unblocked me on Facebook, but wrote to me on WhatsUp when she needed my help for something.

I don't feel like inviting her to our house for Xmas, but I will invite my mom so she will know most probably. AIBU?

You can do what you want but just don't be blind to the fact that relationships take work and if you don't make the effort over a longer period of time there will be a point where the relationship is irreparably damaged. Sibling love isn't unconditional.

From what you've written it sounds like there's a lot of passive aggressiveness from both sides. Do you think that better communication could improve things? It's a real shame if relationships fail because of lack of communication.

FWIW, not inviting her to xmas puts your mum in a horrible position, which makes me think that you are perhaps a more difficult character than you think you are.

Your poor mum, nephew and son will be the ones paying the price for you and your sister carrying on sibling rivalry.

Viviennemary

You are both at fault. Stop these childish games

This by a million

This, stop being so childish!

You mean that I have to swallow my sister's disrespectful behaviour (we have a loooong history of that) just to make my nephew happy? My nephew also has some behaviour problems, he's very defiant and she doesn't discipline him too much, my house is the place where she relaxes while he plays, so I have to deal with the mess and disciplining too.
She's Jewish and raises him as such, but I do celebrate Xmas, so for him Xmas doesn't have the same significance, but he likes going to our house any day.
If my sister thought about her son, she would behaved better OR have a conversation with me to fix the supposed misunderstanding where she was shaming me for having made plans to visit our elderly mom instead of changing my plans and going with her. It was absolutely nuts and she has to deal with it.

You don’t sound any better than her - you both seem petty and a bit spiteful tbh.

While my son generally likes playing with his cousin (who likes to hit and throw his toys which he finds annoying), my son doesn't really ask to see his cousin.

My mom doesn't like it, but she must have forgotten how my sister was throwing tantrums about her in the past 2 years and wanted to even stop seeing her as her daughter. Apparently my sister accumulated lots of anger at my mom and I'm not sure why as we had the same unbringing (18 months apart) to the point of even insulting her (to my face). Now that she really needs my mom, she behaves better.

So what you mean is you’ve wasted everyone’s time by posting in AIBU because you’re convinced you’re not, despite what lots of posters have said.

I never saw it like that (I was a single mother too and my ex lives in another country, so it wasn't different as if he were merely a donor).
But my sister does seem to have some expectations about us satisfying her son. THe way she would make plans with me is My son wants to play with your son, and her latest tantrum about me having plans on a weekend without her started with How about my son, nobody is thinking about him???. I literally just live my life, the way she conceived my nephew doesn't matter to me.

I also feel that I can't be arsed with drama which she keeps on bringing and my past attempts to somehow talk things with her end very rapidly in me being at fault and if the discussion is on social media, blocking me. Yes, she has blocked me before, it's just her way of dealing with anything with me.
Because I don't want drama, I would rather not be in contact with her, but she's still my sister, so I hesitate.

I mean, how would I prove that it's real? You want me to post screenshots of her messages to me?

A lot of teenage drama.

No don't invite her

I understand, but having a toxic sibling is not much better I think.

Surely you’ve already invited her given we are so close to the day, does that mean you plan to reneg on the invite?
or do you usually make plans so close to the day?

Wouw, yes, that's the case! Cancelling something with her is a mortal offense, but I never imagined that I would be the bad one for already having plans! When she had something else going on, she wouldn't even answer the phone. So it's one way only.
I know it's some complex they have inside, but at this point in my life, I just don't want to deal with it.
How did you end up dealing with it or the kids grew up?

@Wordless regardless of the fact your post may not have been helpful to the op, I agree with you....

I personally would invite my single mother sister on Xmas and I think you’d be very mean letting her down 2 weeks before the day.

I would be more concerned her her DC than her and I would just put up with her so I could see my nephew.

Your mum would be forced to then go to hers knowing that she’d be on her own.

She seems a bit annoying but nothing you’ve said is anything awful.

So I would just see her on Xmas as normal and see her less during the rest of the year.

Well that’s a great way to completely wreck your relationship.

@Porcuporpoise
I sometimes initiated contact with her to chat during the week, but she would reply (if she replied) with a couple of words. And she would make plans, calling insistenly so often that she didn't leave me much opportunity to do it myself. On other occasions, she would have plans.

Things have to be natural, but she seems to get upset when she wants something and I can not provide.

I agree with this, based on what OP has written. Of course, there are always are least 2 sides to every story.

I don’t undertand what’s toxic about her though.

also what if your mum doesn’t want to be apart from both her daughter? You’re forcing her to choose. I’d suck it up for one day for the sake of your mum and the children.

Apparently my sister accumulated lots of anger at my mom and I'm not sure why as we had the same unbringing (18 months apart) to the point of even insulting her (to my face).

Isn’t insulting your mum to your siblings face normal?

I love my mum but I have called her every name under the sun to my sibling.

The main reason I feel sorry for my DD being an only child is for the fact she doesn’t have a sibling to vent about me to.

It seems like you’re nitpicking over some really minor behaviour.

Why is she always visiting you for her son to play with your little boy? why do you never visit her home?