Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

The gifts he buys them should be from you too.

Please update us all on how it goes. I can’t wait to hear how those girls respond. The whole situation sounds so unfair on you and it’s great you are sticking up for yourself. It really sounds like a DH problem to me.

Stop buying them presents, they don’t deserve them. Your husband needs to have your back on this.

@Mamana127 stop being bullied by this horrible man and seek legal advice re matrimonial wealth.

If it puts your mind at ease at all - as his spouse, if he dies and leaves you less than you would likely have got in a divorce (so if it’s less than 50% of all his assets, possibly he’d need to leave you a bigger percentage if you are reliant on his wealth for your retirement or are still bringing up your joint children, etc.), you can challenge the will and would likely win. Not that anyone wants that sort of conflict after a bereavement, and I do think it’s right that someone who remarries makes decent provision for any children from before the marriage. But don’t just accept that he can do as he pleases with his assets, that’s not entirely the case.

You should definitely get a little time with a solicitor and understand your rights so you can make decisions going forward that will protect you and your DC.

He's just trying to protect his own arse so he doesn't have to explain why you haven't gifted them anything.

What a thoughtful man

I absolutely feel your pain. I have 3 DSC and I have a very good relationship with them. They are 20, 18 and 14, and live with us for the majority of the time. I have always gone out of my way to make their birthdays special. Taking time to learn their interests and scouring the internet to find presents to suit their sometimes unusual likes. Yesterday was my birthday and I didn’t even get a text from the older two. My DP only does the ‘big’ gift and always sign it from both of us, but as they’ve got older they want money so if I didn’t do it they would have nothing to open on the day. It’s not just birthdays and Christmas, but all of the time making sure that I get the food/drinks/toiletries etc that they like, but I’ve made the decision today that I will no longer be making the effort (apart from the 14 year old because he’s a sweetheart for the moment!).

Tricky but as you as a parent, albeit a step one I think you should carry on giving. That said, can your DH not do presents from both of you?

One option is to get them both a nice box of chocolates (but that’s me being a people pleaser!) They can’t then complain that you got them “no present”, and in future make sure your name goes on presents from DH.

If the will.predates your marriage then the will is invalid, and you will inherit as his wife as per British law. So if that's the case, keep your gob shut so he doesn't change it.

Chuck a Christmas card under the tree saying ‘Merry Christmas hope you love the insert name of DH’s gift. All my love Xxxx’. Job done.

Of course we are but when buying family presents we don’t buy them separately. I’d think it was very odd if I received a present from my mum and a separate one from my step dad.

https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/how-does-marriage-affect-your-will/

Ahhh dear me! Another tale of years of trying to be a blended family member and ultimately, rejection. When it comes from your DH too, is there much point?

The girls have never sent you a card? Not even a Happy Xmas Dad and …Mamana”? Shameful. This is unkind.

Please please what ever your do make sure you don't add your name to your husband gifts they don't deserve anything let me message be loud and clear!!! The spoilt brats are rude especially where they reject some gifts please keep us updated what happens if there is any posts this one has triggered me! I wish you luck! And make sure you treat & spoil yourself! Merry Xmas& a happier new year!

And watch out when they do @Mamana127 They will have no qualms about using you for free childcare. Seen it before on here. Some have no problem with having someone they dont like or respect caring for the children they claim to love. Dont let this be your future
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4888934-caring-for-step-grandchild?page=1

My god OP I feel like reading your thread had a Sliding Doors effect on me (Google if you don't know what I mean).

My DSDs are exactly like that. I bought presents, they refused to thank me, they handed me lists of what they wanted, if they didn't like what i gave them they left it behind with a barrage of abuse. Our DC came along and initially they were excited then their behaviour became revolting to the point of no return.

I then slammed the door on them and their mother. I said "I will always support your relationship with your father and with your sibling if you want one in the future but while you treat my child like this I will not be part of your lives". And I'm not.

They are the age yours are now and I'm happy. I love being a parent. They have two parents. F* them, I didn't raise them to be the selfish nasty people they grew up to be.

Now that you're married finances are different. Everything in a marriage is shared equally in UK law. You need to see a solicitor about how you own your property. Your husband should not be dictating in his will that the house goes to all his kids. He can only say that about his half of the house. Your half of the house you might want to leave to your child only. You need to get this sorted so his children can't turf you out in the event of his death. You will need new wills now you're married.

Could you just not invite them...? Or is it a habit that's expected.. ?
I feel for you..it's awful to be stuck in a situation you don't know how to change.

I'm surprised he's not too embarrassed by them to even bring it up with you.
He can get lost!

This made me really upset for you :'( it sounds like you've always made an effort and that isn't always easy. I completely agree with your decision not to get any gifts this year.

You're quite right.

My late husband's children were adults when he separated from his first wife. (There was an OM.)

We were married 6 yrs after the divorce. I'd organise their birthday and Christmas presents and go half with DH. Same for the grandchild. Latterly, I would get a nominal Christmas present from the 4 of them, to be fair. (They were much better off than us.)

DH would remind them that my birthday was coming up. I'd get a joint birthday card from them. The first time it happened, DH looked at it in disbelief: "What's wrong? Could they not afford another stamp?" (It was fairly obvious that DH's DIL had organised the card.)

One year, a beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived for my birthday. Dh was so excited: "What's on the card?" They were from his sister.

Over the last few years, I stopped contributing to their birthday presents. By then, I'd had to give up work to be my husband's carer and - bluntly - I wasn't prepared to spend my money on them.

I'd follow your MiL advice and not buy them anything more. Your husband is a knob and should be supporting you.

TBF I have never even known when my step mams birthday is. I never saw them at Christmas really especially as adults so never bought them anything.

I never expected anything from them, when I was little they might buy a token gift but they never had too. I don't dislike them or not get along its just I don't buy for presents unless theres a reason (like invited to a birthday or seeing each other around Christmas time etc...)

They are leading the charge, so they likely wont mind if you don't buy them anything. They may have even assumed as a couple that the presents where joint or just 'from dad'.

Don't worry about it, mumsnet loves to make out like you must die for step children as if they are your own even before your own but us real world step children don't expect anything of the sort. Just a friendly relationship (same as your would have with your uncles wife etc...) in in person situations making small talk and such is enough.

From the last lines when husband won't put your name on his card... who isn't acting as an adult! Do NOT buy the step children a gift. It might seem difficult to do but they have no difficulty ignoring you on your occasions! Don't even apologise, you could say I got you what you get me.... NOTHING!!!!!
stick to your guns!