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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
Powerofflower · 16/12/2024 19:43

I think your husband should have instigated them buying you gifts when he knew you were doing them the same. They are rude. I also think your dh should have brought it up with them a long time ago.

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:48

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Apologies if this has been asked before, but you are a couple, but you buy separate gifts? So your DSDs get a gift from Dad and a separate gift from Step-Mum?

Is that weird? You've been together over a decade.

Or when he asked, did he mean, what gift are we getting them, and when you said I'm not buying them anything he thought shit, that means I need to make an effort?

WearyAuldWumman · 16/12/2024 19:48

@Mamana127 Mamana127
bless you if anyone had told me what it’s like being in a relationship which has a first family I would have ran a mile

My husband was a good bit older than me. I reckon that that was part of the problem, so far as his daughter was concerned. (Ironically, she and her partner had the same age difference and she was the OW!)

DH told me that - after he was gone - he wanted me to find myself another man. I told him that there was no way that would happen: there's no way I'd put myself through the strain of a "blended family" again.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 16/12/2024 19:49

They sound very entitled and your dh is enabling them.

WearyAuldWumman · 16/12/2024 19:51

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/12/2024 18:53

If the will.predates your marriage then the will is invalid, and you will inherit as his wife as per British law. So if that's the case, keep your gob shut so he doesn't change it.

It might differ, depending on where in the UK they're resident.

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:51

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Apologies if this has been asked before, but you are a couple, but you buy separate gifts? So your DSDs get a gift from Dad and a separate gift from Step-Mum?

Is that weird? You've been together over a decade.

Or when he asked, did he mean, what gift are we getting them, and when you said I'm not buying them anything he thought shit, that means I need to make an effort?

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:52

Apologies mumsnet for my multiple identical postings tonight. Internet glitches!

StarkleLittleTwink · 16/12/2024 19:55

I feel so hurt for you. YANBU

Greywhippet · 16/12/2024 20:02

YANBU but also what are these magical jobs that pay such incredible wages to people in their twenties? I’m regretting my life choices

22mumsynet · 16/12/2024 20:15

Marriage revokes a Will unless the will is made ‘in contemplation of marriage’. So if his will was made before you married without this clause, and he hasn’t re-signed it he now doesn’t have a Will. This would mean that the intestacy provisions would apply and as his spouse you would be the first beneficiary entitled to £322k and half the rest.
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

Wooky073 · 16/12/2024 20:41

Your HH (horrid husband) and HHAC (his horrid adult children) sound like they have a very expectant entitled attitude. What you could do if you so chose and if it helped soften the change this year is to make a donation to a local foodbank or charity in place of a gift this year and for as many future years as you like then phase out gifts to them over time..... if you like. You dont owe them anything ... good for you !

Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:45

JubileeJuice · 15/12/2024 13:23

Are your children their half siblings?

Only one

OP posts:
Chickdaft · 16/12/2024 20:47

That’s an utter disgrace and so disrespectful of two grown women to treat you like that. Your husband MUST buy the presents for his daughters and include your name on the gift tag……no ifs or buts. Does not matter if you are 47, 57, or 67……I’m utterly shocked.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:49

Topsyturvy78 · 15/12/2024 13:49

Are your DC also your husband's DC which would make them half siblings?

One half sibling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:55

tachetastic · 16/12/2024 19:48

Apologies if this has been asked before, but you are a couple, but you buy separate gifts? So your DSDs get a gift from Dad and a separate gift from Step-Mum?

Is that weird? You've been together over a decade.

Or when he asked, did he mean, what gift are we getting them, and when you said I'm not buying them anything he thought shit, that means I need to make an effort?

Show quote history

He usually gets them gifts and I get them gifts this year I didn’t and he asked me why? I gave my reason and he asked why not because I’ve always bought them, I said it’s because they have never bought me gifts or the kids. He usually gets the kids to make crafty cards for them but they don’t bother even with a card for their birthdays. I asked him to put my names on his gifts to them and he said I’m being unreasonable, we have separate finances and to him he thinks that they are only going to get a few presents if I don’t get them some.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 16/12/2024 20:57

I'd wrap an empty box for them to open

CanelliniBeans · 16/12/2024 20:58

I don't blame you at all. They can decide not to buy for you, equally you have decided not to buy for them. You're all adults. They however should buy for your dc who are children.

This year I didn't buy for my DH dn as I never get a thank you or even a Christmas card and she's over 30 now. I didn't buy for her dc either. I'm sick of it.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:58

I might just do that and say to everyone that I only bought kids gifts and donated to charity. I think it’s my DH worrying about their reaction to him telling them I didn’t gift them this year. I’m making a point and I’m sticking to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 20:59

wizzywig · 16/12/2024 20:57

I'd wrap an empty box for them to open

😂😂😂😂😂😆 May I borrow that confidence for a day 🤣 I would not sleep worrying about their reaction

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:03

22mumsynet · 16/12/2024 20:15

Marriage revokes a Will unless the will is made ‘in contemplation of marriage’. So if his will was made before you married without this clause, and he hasn’t re-signed it he now doesn’t have a Will. This would mean that the intestacy provisions would apply and as his spouse you would be the first beneficiary entitled to £322k and half the rest.
www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will

We both have will which was updated after the marriage. I’m not fussed about the inheritance stuff as long as I’m not screwed over. He can give his inheritance to his kids it’s his choice, I’m also doing the same to my two kids and not much to my youngest as she is covered in his will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:04

Greywhippet · 16/12/2024 20:02

YANBU but also what are these magical jobs that pay such incredible wages to people in their twenties? I’m regretting my life choices

Legal and investment banking. It’s never too late love ❤️

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 16/12/2024 21:06

But has he only willed his half of the house?

He cant will all of it, it just doesnt work that way.

As others have said, you are more likely to end up with your fair share of the assets if you divorced at this rate!

WonderingOneOfAll · 16/12/2024 21:07

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 16/12/2024 19:49

They sound very entitled and your dh is enabling them.

Precisely
Your husband’s answer in this says a lot why DSD act in such a bad way.

Stand your ground and focus on your relationship with your kids 🌸

Original poster
Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:08

WearyAuldWumman · 16/12/2024 19:48

@Mamana127 Mamana127
bless you if anyone had told me what it’s like being in a relationship which has a first family I would have ran a mile

My husband was a good bit older than me. I reckon that that was part of the problem, so far as his daughter was concerned. (Ironically, she and her partner had the same age difference and she was the OW!)

DH told me that - after he was gone - he wanted me to find myself another man. I told him that there was no way that would happen: there's no way I'd put myself through the strain of a "blended family" again.

It’s not easy. But not for all, some people are really lucky and get good families. I’m really great friends with my ex and his new Mrs we even go for coffee and she comes for birthdays, we buy her gifts etc. my kids love her and I got to know her as she is spending time with my kids and gives me feedback. Looks after my kids so well when they are with their dad. I picked the wrong straw 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 16/12/2024 21:10

Mamana127 · 16/12/2024 21:08

It’s not easy. But not for all, some people are really lucky and get good families. I’m really great friends with my ex and his new Mrs we even go for coffee and she comes for birthdays, we buy her gifts etc. my kids love her and I got to know her as she is spending time with my kids and gives me feedback. Looks after my kids so well when they are with their dad. I picked the wrong straw 😂😂😂😂

Show quote history

Sounds like it - but on the other hand, it's good that you get on with the ex and his new Mrs.