Caring for step grandchild

[Useronemillionandthree]

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home so his daughter can work. I don’t have any sort of relationship with his daughter, she barely speaks to me (nothing has happened, has always been like this). I was happy to do this for a few months as I felt it gave me some sort of connection with his family. But it’s starting to get a bit tiring, and I really resent his daughter coming into the house thanking her dad for looking after her child when all he has done is take the baby for a walk around the block. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t say no because I’m technically not the one caring for the child. I am thinking of changing my work days, but it will mean after one day of looking after the child my husband will probably find an excuse not to, or his daughter will change her days. I feel a bit trapped.

I wouldn’t change your work days unless you want to.
Does your husband know you don’t want to look after your step granddaughter?
Either let him know or if you think he wouldn’t continue to last doing it if you were not facilitating. I think I would arrange to be out

Why isn't your DH looking after the child?

This is not the first time I’ve known a situation like this. @Useronemillionandthree you don’t have a problem with your step granddaughter, you have a problem with your DH. Why do men think that it’s okay to sign women up for childcare? Tell him, it’s his grandchild, his choice to help out and that in future you will be busy on those days.

Why doesn't your DH do it as he's not working.

Technically it’s him, I just get passed the baby when anything needs doing. It’s a lovely thing he wants to do for his daughter, I have told him if this continues it will be him on his own doing it. He was fine with it, I went out for the afternoon, but came home to his very upset daughter slamming the door when she left. Apparently when she got here he hadn’t turned the baby monitor on and the poor baby was screaming in her cot. I think I will just change my work days. She will probably just find alternate care.

Sounds like it's not working for the DSD anyway.

I'd keep going out on the babysitting days and it will come to an end on its own.

Your DH should be ashamed of himself for not providing even basic care to his own grandchildren after offering to do so.

This is on your lazy DH.

He thinks he is doing most of it, that’s the problem. And I feel bad letting him fall on his face.

Don't.

It's the problem and the solution all wrapped up in one.

Unfortunately sometimes it is necessary to let things go slightly awry.

I had to do this with my DH re caring for PIL. If it had been too easy for DH to offload a lot onto me they would have lived with us for a long time. Them having an impact on him speeded up finding a good care home.

Then he should have no problem with you leaving him to it. Why is it setting him up to fall on his face? Why do women tell ourselves these lies, I'm asking that of myself too? Unless there's some sort of disability involved with him or his DGD then he is a competent adult, not to mention a father and he is capable of figuring it out if he chooses to. If he doesn't it's because he wants you to do it all, not because he's incapable of doing it.

Technically it’s him, I just get passed the baby when anything needs doing

Well pass the baby back then!

Thanks. I feel better now xx

I would go and do my own thing on my days off. If DSD cannot even bring herself to acknowledge your existence or the fact that you are part of the whopping 3 days a week of child care that you are kindly providing her with, I would assume that you clearly aren't good enough to look after her child!

Let him fall on his face, unless he's actually unsafe, then you probably need to explain to his daughter.

Don’t feel bad. It’s not your problem, it’s his. If he can’t look after a baby properly without someone holding his hand then that says more about him than it does you. His daughter has already noticed, so hopefully it won’t be long before she stops asking him.

I don’t see why you should be the glue that holds their arrangement together.

Absolutely leave him to it, and make sure that you're out as much as possible those three days.
Otherwise he's taking advantage of you, even if unwittingly.

He offered to do childcare but you’re doing it? And the daughter still doesn’t speak to you? Fuck that!

The daughter seems like an ungrateful witch anyway. You should make it clear to her how bad he is at taking care of her dd and that you’re thinking of changing your workdays so if she’d like you to step in let her know. If she still doesn’t contact you change your days and leave these idiots to it.

Does she!? I'd be pretty fucking cross if my baby was left screaming in a cot.

She needs to find someone who is actually capable of providing decent care to her poor kid.

She did have someone like that, but unfortunately she wasn't talking to her!

But then wouldn’t you also thank the person who has cared for your child, OP in this case?

OP, just be out don’t take the baby when things need doing he’s caring for the baby as far as he and his dd are concerned so let him get on with it.

His success of failure at childminding is nothing to do with you.

What a flaming cheek!

I would be either changing my work days, or disappearing to the gym/coffee/lunch out with friends for much of the day.

I’d just keep going out and change my work days so I was around only 1 of the days the child was there and go out that day.

Funnily enough I have been asked to work 5 days next week then have the following week off. So my husband will be doing the next two weeks on his own because I’m going away the week after. I imagine this arrangement will be over very soon.