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Original poster

5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

233 replies

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 04:34

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

OP posts:
showersandflowers · 15/12/2024 04:58

I presume you want/need to stay with him? In which case, if that's 100%, they you need to figure out a way to be okay with it. You cant change the past. What would make it okay in your head? Would knowing more make it easier? Knowing less? A fresh start of some sort? To make it work, if you truly want to, you need to figure out how to come to peace with it. Does he know that you know?

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Remember time is a real healer too and you're clearly quite freshly in shock after this all. Give your mind time to process it and be good to yourself. Take it slow so that your mind has time and capacity to heal.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 05:33

He has repeatedly lied and deceived you. It’s no wonder you are hurt and upset, he is not the man you married.

Given you are five months pregnant I would consider having counselling to talk this through.

IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 05:37

The fact he wouldn't marry you if you weren't a virgin shows he's a misogynist pig and all about seeing women as sexual objects of purity. He is a pos and I would leave him and not ever look back, based on that alone. My feminist values would not allow me to even marry or have a child with someone who thought my virginity was more important than who I was as a PERSON. You lowered your standards there.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 11:59

showersandflowers · 15/12/2024 04:58

I presume you want/need to stay with him? In which case, if that's 100%, they you need to figure out a way to be okay with it. You cant change the past. What would make it okay in your head? Would knowing more make it easier? Knowing less? A fresh start of some sort? To make it work, if you truly want to, you need to figure out how to come to peace with it. Does he know that you know?

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Remember time is a real healer too and you're clearly quite freshly in shock after this all. Give your mind time to process it and be good to yourself. Take it slow so that your mind has time and capacity to heal.

Yes, he knows that I know and is doing everything he can to make me feel better, I've never seen him fight for me so hard... I'm trying my best to be happy but I can't help the breakdowns and thoughts in my head

OP posts:
Dotto · 15/12/2024 12:04

I think you need counselling on your own to help you decide what to do. It is a massive betrayal that he presented a completely false version of himself whilst expecting this from you. He didn't value honesty and thought he was entitled to you in a way that you were not entitled to him. I would worry about what else he could lie about. What is to stop him having affairs?

I think I would move in with family for a while, as it's obviously driving you crazy. You need help to unpick it all in your mind.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 12:10

Dotto · 15/12/2024 12:04

I think you need counselling on your own to help you decide what to do. It is a massive betrayal that he presented a completely false version of himself whilst expecting this from you. He didn't value honesty and thought he was entitled to you in a way that you were not entitled to him. I would worry about what else he could lie about. What is to stop him having affairs?

I think I would move in with family for a while, as it's obviously driving you crazy. You need help to unpick it all in your mind.

I already live with his family, parents and 2 younger sisters... That's hard enough as it is but we plan to move maybe a year or so after the baby's born

OP posts:
blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 15/12/2024 12:14

IdylicDay · 15/12/2024 05:37

The fact he wouldn't marry you if you weren't a virgin shows he's a misogynist pig and all about seeing women as sexual objects of purity. He is a pos and I would leave him and not ever look back, based on that alone. My feminist values would not allow me to even marry or have a child with someone who thought my virginity was more important than who I was as a PERSON. You lowered your standards there.

THIS , with bells on. Misogynist pig.

Mummabear04 · 15/12/2024 12:22

I'm really sorry this has happened OP. It sounds very stressed for you. Do you have anyone you trust that you could talk to? A friend or a sister maybe? Do you need to stay in the marriage? Do you want to stay with him? You have every right to be upset about this and you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling in processing what's happened. I hope you're OK x

Dotto · 15/12/2024 12:24

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 12:10

I already live with his family, parents and 2 younger sisters... That's hard enough as it is but we plan to move maybe a year or so after the baby's born

Show quote history

I meant your own family, not his, are they around?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/12/2024 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Saraahh · 15/12/2024 12:26

Mummabear04 · 15/12/2024 12:22

I'm really sorry this has happened OP. It sounds very stressed for you. Do you have anyone you trust that you could talk to? A friend or a sister maybe? Do you need to stay in the marriage? Do you want to stay with him? You have every right to be upset about this and you are allowed to feel everything you are feeling in processing what's happened. I hope you're OK x

Yeah I do want to stay with him, especially as we're having a child together... He's not done anything since we've been together to betray my trust. I'm a bit reluctant to speak to other people about it as I don't want them viewing him in a bad way.

I just feel like my mental health has plummeted tbh

OP posts:
FontSnob · 15/12/2024 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She said almost and that’s a shitty question to ask anyone.

Wallywobbles · 15/12/2024 12:30

You will never be in a stronger negotiating position than now. Insist that you both move out NOW into your own place to work on your issues. That you also have individual and joint counseling with someone of your choice. Do you research. If he can't pull that off then it's over.

There is not a prayer that you will be allowed to move out once you've had the baby.

Temphelp · 15/12/2024 12:31

I’m Muslim and have been in a somewhat similar position. Will give you some advice that helped me:

  1. immediately, sort out marital counselling. Whether it is through your local mosque or an organisation like Sukoon, your husband needs to commit to this now otherwise he will think lying is appropriate.

  2. the past is the past, we shouldn’t hold people against it and it’s understandable to not want to share certain things we’ve done that we are not proud of. Where your husband went wrong is his obsession with virginity when he himself was sleeping around. He needs to take accountability of this and get out of this mindset (which can be changed only if the man takes responsibility).

  3. make clear boundaries asap. Asap. Can’t stress this enough!

  4. don’t blame yourself, and don’t obsess over things like virginity. There are so much bigger things to worry about in the world right now, so many other qualities that matter more inside us. Don’t be afraid to seek help and support, especially in this vulnerable state.

i will stress it again - your husband needs to take accountability and sort this out otherwise your marriage will struggle.

Praying it gets easier for you. X

Mummabear04 · 15/12/2024 12:32

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 12:26

Yeah I do want to stay with him, especially as we're having a child together... He's not done anything since we've been together to betray my trust. I'm a bit reluctant to speak to other people about it as I don't want them viewing him in a bad way.

I just feel like my mental health has plummeted tbh

Show quote history

I get that but also he has behaved in a bad way so if there is someone you could trust to talk and keep it to themselves then it might help you? Sometimes talking a stressful situation out loud can make it loose it's power over you (by that I mean the anxiety around it). I think you need some time to process the lies and the betrayal of trust. Has he said why he lied to you?

Temphelp · 15/12/2024 12:33

Also if you want to talk, PM me anytime x

Mangocity · 15/12/2024 12:35

I really know what I'm talking about on this one. You're not going to be ok while you're with him. Maybe in time your marriage can improve but for now you desperately need space.

Nothing is going to bring back what you thought you had. That's gone. That man didn't exist. Putting yourself under pressure to the point where you think you're the crazy one is a classic symptom of being emotionally abused.

Your baby needs you to be well. I understand that stepping away will break your heart and that grief will feel unbearable. However what would be so much more unbearable is trying to fix something that has become so toxic when you are simply unable to do that right now and there's a child involved.

Nothing, no religion, no promises, not family expectations, not even the idea of forgiveness is as important as your responsibility to make sure that you are well as your baby is not in a toxic environment. And I don't need toxic in what it looks like to everyone else. I mean what's actually happening - your racing heart, the crying, the conversations without a resolution.

If you leave you'll get through this and there will likely be peace and well being on the other side. Not what you'd imagined for your child but fine. You can support a wonderful relationship between dad and baby. If you stay you will probably go through hell, become ill and the chances are that the outcome will ultimately be that your baby sees as hears things that they shouldn't and you are still left alone, broken and needing to heal eventually. You're with an incredibly dishonest man. Even if he changed, your body would not know that.

Please get your baby out of this while you can. Nothing matters more than your baby's need for a peaceful environment and a mum who is in control of her own emotional health.

TroysMammy · 15/12/2024 12:42

You need to speak to your midwife about your mental health. Hopefully there is a pre-natal mental health team you can be referred to.

CitizenZ · 15/12/2024 12:42

He put so much importance on you being a virgin, threatening annulment if you were not, all the time knowing that he was telling you lies and having double standards. I'd do to him exactly what he threatened to do to you. LTB.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/12/2024 12:42

Lying to you about his past is bad enough. Demanding that you have to be a virgin, also bad enough. Demanding that you have to be a virgin and saying he'd end the marriage if he found out you weren't, while all the while pretending he's a virgin when he isn't - totally and utterly unforgivable in my opinion. He's clearly a man who's happy to lie in order to control you and get what he wants. That's not love. You are not ever going to have any kind of equal relationship with him - he has shown that he absolutely doesn't think you should have the same rights and freedoms as him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/12/2024 12:43

As PPs have said it's not so much what he's done in the past that matters but the fact he lied and expected very different from you

This reveals an attitude which only he can take responsibility for, but he has to want to do that and whether it happens or it'll become "that's just what men do" remains to be seen

I also agree that moving into your own place to work this out will be essential, and his attitude towards this too will be revealing

Ughn0tryte · 15/12/2024 12:46

Was it an arranged marriage? Was there things that your and his family stipulated before meeting?
This isn't something I would keep to myself. He's deceitful and by keeping this between you, allows him to continue to be so.
Contact someone you trust within your faith and discuss his lies.
Also talk to your family and ask how they would approach this.
Your baby is everyone's priority and in a few months time people will be surrounding you and your child with gifts etc whilst you heal. It's important that this isn't swept under the carpet.

TheClawDecides · 15/12/2024 12:51

Saraahh · 15/12/2024 12:26

Yeah I do want to stay with him, especially as we're having a child together... He's not done anything since we've been together to betray my trust. I'm a bit reluctant to speak to other people about it as I don't want them viewing him in a bad way.

I just feel like my mental health has plummeted tbh

Show quote history

He's not done anything since we've been together to betray my trust.

Not that you know of.

But you've unfortunately married a lying, misogynistic prick so who knows?

You were happy with the misogyny as he made no secret of that before marriage, but he's definitely not the truthful man you thought he was.

crumblingschools · 15/12/2024 12:57

He’s horrendously misogynistic. Was this previous relationship with a Muslim girl? If you told your DH you had had a previous relationship how would he react now?
Are you legally married?

Imjustlikeyou2 · 15/12/2024 13:03

I’m sorry I’m sure I’m going to get flamed, but it is hardly surprising you have anxiety and depression with all this pressure and out dated bullshit being rammed down your throat.

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