5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

He sounds worse and worse. When you are safely set up at your parents, I promise you will feel so relieved.

If I tell my parents the truth they'll never let me go back... They already know about some issues we've had and they're not happy... I don't have it in my heart to leave him I'm too attached, plus he's been my first of a LOT and the first man I've truly loved. My family will also make sure it's publicly known what he did and I don't wanna ruin his name... I wouldn't be able to live with myself

What are the other issues?

You make yourself weak if you love someone despite everything. He doesn't feel the same. If you'd had a loving relationship before you met him, he wouldn't have gone near him, even though he had one himself.

This is the sort of man who hates woman and thinks essentially they are sluts.

Sorry, I just read your update about his reasons for not wanting a legal marriage.

I wouldn't buy a house with a man who I wasn't legally married too. You need legal advice before buying anything with him so you don't end up trapped.

Why are you putting him first?

He's not putting you first, is he?

You have said yourself you wouldn't allow your daughter to be in this situation.

Your parents are not happy because they know this man is not looking after you, he's not treating you well, and he's broken the promises he made to do both.

You have a baby on the way. You have to think about what's best for them. What are you going to do when you have a newborn and he refuses to let you leave the house? Or if he says you can visit your Mum but only if you leave the baby with your MIL? He's trapping you.

The fact he has been your first is not relevant. You need to take your heart out of this equation and think with your head.

People here bring their own heartbreaking histories. They think it helps someone they’ve never met. it doesn’t.

He said he wanted to divorce me a couple months ago over a stupid argument we had, he's called me plenty of names before and said things about my family... A lot of the arguments we've had as well is because of living with his family too and issues I've had with them, mainly my SILs (who haven't spoken to me in a month btw because I told my MIL that they seem to find it hilarious when I'm crying after me and him have argued...)

OP, are you Muslim too and from a Muslim family?

Yes I am, we both come from the same background

Standing up for what you want or demanding to be treated with respect is not manipulative, not is changing your mind.

You need professional help. A stranger won't have an opinion on him that they'll share. You don't have to protect him. Often people protect people they shouldn't and it comes at a very high cost to themselves.

This family does not care about you or your well-being- go back to your parents and stay there. Or at least until he agrees to a legal marriage

I've had counselling before when I was younger a few times and each time ended TRAGICALLY and quite frankly I don't trust them anymore...

So for your family to say they want you to leave him, it must mean they are really worried about you. You could go back to live with them. You could ask them to respect you and your child by not announcing to everyone what's happened, but ask for their help.

Then file for child support from this guy.

This marriage isn't going to get better. It started with lies, coercion and threats - and you aren't even legally married.

Tell your parents and ask for their help. Being a single parent isn't easy, but it's better than a lifetime in an unhappy/ possibly abusive relationship.

Leave now before the baby is born - you have no idea how he may attempt to control you after the baby arrives.

THIS OP
You really need to prioritise yourself. As hard as it is, him and his family and what they might be thinking isn't the most important thing right now.
You need to share this and get support

Based on everything you’ve said I wonder if you’re of Pakistani origin?

I’m not Asian myself but I am a Muslim so understand the religious and cultural element.

As his wife, you have the right to live separately and you need to insist on that. If you’re staying with your in laws once baby is there it’ll be harder for you to leave and you will get a lot of interference from his parents on how to raise your child. If he refuses, you should seriously consider moving back home until he accepts you need your own home.

Re his past, he’s a typical hypocritical POS to insist on virginity for you but he’s not one himself. Men like him are vile. He lied to you and made you believe your relationship is something that it’s not. You need help processing your emotions and counselling will be good for you. What’s done is done but it’s how you feel and what you need going forward that matters now.

You don't have it in your heart to leave him as you're too attached?

This misogynistic twat has lied to you and you've had issues already despite the short marriage. You're in love with someone that doesn't exist.

I appreciate you belong to a religion that is known for treating women like second class citizens, but please have some self respect. This is the 21st century where women are entitled to be treated with respect and as equals. You won't be ruining his name - he did that all by himself.

I would be absolutely repulsed if I married a man who valued virginity so highly then to find out he had been behaving like a man-whore! I would struggle to ever respect him again, so it's not surprising you feel like that.

Go and stay with your parents for a while. Have some time to think. They don't have to know what he has done.

I would bet my house that this man will cheat on you.

There are Muslim men who aren't like this so this isn't an inherent Muslim thing

Spot on, @JamTartLover. Islam teaches respect for wives, so actually this is a cultural thing which also doesn't apply across the board

But it applies here with this particular man/family, so how to respond has to be OP's choice, even if that's to stay and suffer

This isn't really about "his past" in terms of who he had sex with before you married. It's not about his not having done anything bad since you married, either. It's about his hypocrisy and lies, and those have been part of your marriage.
If a man insists he will only marry a virgin, that's up to him. If he states that the same is true for him, I wouldn't personally agree that his insistence is "right" but he's entitled to his views and preferences.
But he didn't do that, he made a massive issue about your virginity and lied about his own sexual past, and was a complete hypocrite to boot.
He might now be "fighting for you" but actually, I doubt it. Has he explained why he lied? Has he acknowledged that he was not only lying, but hypocritical? Has he accepted that his own insistence on your virginity was unfair and unreasonable?
I can totally understand why you are struggling to believe what he says now, because he has shown you in clear, open terms that he cannot be trusted about any of these sorts of things.
If you knew about his past before you married and were now distressed about it, those feelings of distress would be real, but they would also be something you had to deal with. But this situation is completely different.

I definitely cannot tell my family because they'll hate him and force me to leave him which I don't want, not to mention defaming his character and his family.

What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot? He would openly announce this to the local community to shame you and to tarnish your character.

Ask him why this shouldn't happen as he stated he would if he found out you were not a virgin. He needs to justify why it shouldn't be the case the other way around.

OP has he been physically violent yet?

Because if not, given everything else you’ve said about him, it’s only a matter of time.

This is the utter hypocrisy of many (dare I say most?) Muslim men though. It used to be almost all men from all cultures and religions, but thankfully most men have left those outdated ideas in the 1950s; that being that the women they marry should be virgins, while the same standard needn't apply to them. Muslim men and some others from very conservative communities still have a bit of catching up to do and need to be reminded it's the 21st century. I just couldn't respect a man that was such a blatant hypocrite.

Would it help if you went to stay with your parents for a couple of weeks? You could maybe think more clearly about what you want to do. You could also say you would only go back when you have had a legal marriage. His reaction to being separated from you could give you an idea of whether you want to stay married. Do you believe you will get a place of your own? Or do you think once you have the baby his family will want you to stay there and you won't have control of your life and family?
If you are going to stay together you really need a legal marriage. If your relationship has already been rocky and he's threatened to leave you, you really need him to demonstrate he has as much commitment and love to contribute to your marriage as you have. You do sound like you would really like your marriage to succeed, but you need proof that he does. Good luck.