5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

You've lost trust for him. You'll never truly believe him again. It's your call what you want to do next. It looks like it's only going to get worse and the arguments and resentment are going to build up.

He lied! You never get to know a liar. You never truly know what they are capable of either.
i met my now EX husband, we married and had children together. Within a couple of years I found out he’d told me lies regarding his previous marriage. From that moment on the lies kept coming. He actually swore to me on our son’s birthday and looked me in the face doing so, that he was telling me the truth over a certain matter. My gut told me he was lying so I rang someone he knew and they told me the truth. The fact tho that he could actually swear on his sons life on his 6th birthday and be lying to my face 🤷‍♀️ was unforgivable on every level. After 26 years of lies I finally walked away. To have wasted that amount of my life on that man is sickening.
To me it’s all about how he values you; if he can lie to you about something that happened before you even met he wouldn’t hesitate to lie about something else? Save yourself from years of torture and that’s what it becomes. Walk away would be my advice. Find someone who values you

I have found and seen in the past that men generally Muslim men don’t see women as equals it seems to me he feels like it’s alright for him to do it but not you I cannot see the future but I think you will find it won’t work long-term because it will always be at the back of your mind that you will be classed as the second class citizen such a shame

Nobody should lie
and there should not be double standards

but the rules about concealing sins is the same rule for men and women. It doesn’t just apply to one gender

This sounds unimaginably difficult

theres so many things you’re dealing with here

im sorry you’ve had to go through this
and the horrific incident of being assaulted and nearly raped :(

also the double standard of your husband :( the main issue is that he seemed so obsessed with ensuring your chastity whilst not maintaining his in a previous relationship

please make sure you ask your maternity team for help and support aswell, they may be able to help get psychological support for some of the ruminating thoughts you’re getting. This sounds like such a distressing time for you.

do you think it woukd help to speak to anyone from your friends or family, I know you’ve said there might be backlash from that but anyone who you feel can be a confidante without repercussions?

wishing you all the best and really hope you are able to be supported during this difficult time

You married a man who is so misogynistic thst he said he'd annul the marriage if he found out you weren't a virgin? Do you think this man will.give any daughters that you have the respect and life chances they deserve? If you can afford to leave now, start making plans and getting your own money together. This isn't going to end well.

Right now you have to weigh disgrace to join and his family of your leaving, particularly if you are having a boy and it's a valid marriage as far as Islam and the mosque are concerned.

If it would be a big disgrace, then I would suggest that you use the power you have now to have a legally registered marriage. This puts you on a firm legal footing, particularly if he later chooses to have more Islamic wives. Then you can divorce him after a year and a day and have full legal rights.

If you leaving with the baby has no effect on his honour or yours, then emotionally you may be better off leaving.

Only you can know what you can accept emotionally. But if you don't have a registered marriage, you have few rights, except to have reisden for your baby.

I wish you well.

If you untangle some of the items in your quoted post you may find a way out for the two of you.

You say you told him at the beginning that you didn’t care if he was not a virgin, or not.

For you, that’s somehow different now, your feelings have changed, or even, you held both that view and the view that virginity mattered, both at the same time.

Can you tell yourself the story that he may have sensed your holding both beliefs, and in the newness of your relationship as was, he chose to opt for the safe option of saying that he was a virgin before meeting you: because he wanted to please you, because he wanted you to love him, and because he didn’t want to lose you. Because you were so very important to him.

Since then the lie has been exposed.. and you’ve told yourself the story you originally posted: the story that is causing you horrendous pain.

Look at your husband’s behaviour recently. Think about his actions.
Is it feasible that he actually really wants you? Is it possible that he wants to make amends, for the two of you to have a happy, nourishing life together?
If that is possible, I suggest you change the story you’re telling yourself away from one of early relationship lies, to one of how once you really got to know each other well, what supports you’ve been to each other, how you adore each other, how your plans to gather for parenthood are so important to you both.

You can feed whichever story in your head that you want: feed the story you want to have.

Being pregnant makes you feel vulnerable and very delicate emotionally. Counselling may help,but having a baby will help too. He has broken your trust and he will have to work to get that back but he can’t keep paying for his mistake forever. If he’s a good man he knows it’s double standards which isn’t right. Give him another chance.

By your posts I'm thinking you're hiding an agenda here? What's going on with your passive aggressive statements?

What a surprise, a man has double standards 🙄
Sorry OP and best of luck with your pregnancy x

With kindness, this relationship is doomed. He’s deliberately lied and manipulated you. He has no respect for women. You’ve nearly broken up previously and he refuses to marry you. He isn’t good enough for you and if I was your mother I’d be pulling you out. He’s a nasty man and your life will only get worse if you stay with him. Sadly, I think this is something you’re only going to slowly realise over time. Please leave and go to your parents. I’d want my daughter home and safe rather than with a dishonest and manipulative partner. All I’d want for her is to be out of this unhealthy and unequal relationship.

if you do want to stay with him, give him 6 weeks to marry you and move out. If he doesn’t, leave. There is no future if he won’t do this. If you just let this drift he’ll never marry you and you’ll be two kids down and desperately unhappy and trapped. Please don’t ruin your experience of parenthood by being trapped in an unhappy relationship.

Totally agree. I have a friend who suffered intense thoughts like this through all her pregnancies and needed specialist help pre and post natal. Speak with your gp practise and get some support

You both put too much store on virginity. His hypocrisy and judgement would infuriate me but it is incredibly common. Lots of people live double lives: a traditional, religious one for home and family and a completely different one with other friends.

My family will also make sure it's publicly known what he did and I don't wanna ruin his name... I wouldn't be able to live with myself

You wouldn't be the one ruining his name, his behaviour would be.

Having read your previous posts I'm confused, and worried for you.

• He lied, even after you told him that honesty was far more important to you than his virginity.
• He hasn't been checked for STI's (wouldn't?), yet you have - was it his idea that you get tested?
• He won't legally marry you, to protect his money.
• You can't move into your own home because you can't afford it, yet his family own multiple properties.
• He didn't (doesn't?) like you wearing makeup, or spending time with your family.

He sounds very controlling, and it's still early in your relationship - it rarely gets better. You are in a very vulnerable position; pregnant, legally unmarried, no income of your own, isolated and living with his family. As a pp said NOW is the time you have the most control over the outcome of the rest of your life.

IF you want this to work, you need to be married and move out of his family's home before your baby is born. You say he is doing his best to make amends, but is he? Words mean nothing, it's his actions that show you if he truly cares about you and wants to make your relationship work for both of you.

Does the religion mention anything about the man sleeping around before marriage and lying to his wife about it whilst demanding she's a virgin and making clear he would leave if she wasn't?

Look after yourself. Your baby deserves a safe, loving home. DH not wanting to register marriage is not acceptable at all, irrelevant of any religion. You may not get Mat Pay but you will get SMP. Make sure your money is safe from him and get out. You are young and have many years ahead of you. You need to heal from his betrayal. Possibly his family's betrayal too as they probably know exactly who he is. Keep safe.

OP please go to your family, they sound like they care for you and will be supportive.

This man will never have a personality transplant to make him honest, logical and value you as his equal.
You will not fix him. He does not want to be fixed; everything is working very nicely for him.

Legally you are not married. He would have to be present to be recorded on the birth certificate. Be very careful about bestowing him legal parental responsibilities as if this relationship breaks down, he's the type to use them to be obstructive, awkward and vengeful.

You're young with a lot of opportunity ahead of you. He (and his horrid family) is not the only path avaliable to you.

I really know what I'm talking about on this one. You're not going to be ok while you're with him. Maybe in time your marriage can improve but for now you desperately need space.
Nothing is going to bring back what you thought you had. That's gone. That man didn't exist. Putting yourself under pressure to the point where you think you're the crazy one is a classic symptom of being emotionally abused.
Your baby needs you to be well. I understand that stepping away will break your heart and that grief will feel unbearable. However what would be so much more unbearable is trying to fix something that has become so toxic when you are simply unable to do that right now and there's a child involved.
Nothing, no religion, no promises, not family expectations, not even the idea of forgiveness is as important as your responsibility to make sure that you are well as your baby is not in a toxic environment. And I don't need toxic in what it looks like to everyone else. I mean what's actually happening - your racing heart, the crying, the conversations without a resolution.
If you leave you'll get through this and there will likely be peace and well being on the other side. Not what you'd imagined for your child but fine. You can support a wonderful relationship between dad and baby. If you stay you will probably go through hell, become ill and the chances are that the outcome will ultimately be that your baby sees as hears things that they shouldn't and you are still left alone, broken and needing to heal eventually. You're with an incredibly dishonest man. Even if he changed, your body would not know that.
Please get your baby out of this while you can. Nothing matters more than your baby's need for a peaceful environment and a mum who is in control of her own emotional health.
I 100% agree with the said above. To add to that , 1. why did he keep these communications on his phone if you have been married for 2 yrs
2.mentioned you’ve had challenges in yr marriage and yet it’s been only a couple of yrs is it probably his energy has been elsewhere when u think he is all for u
3.what happens when you have a 2nd or 3rd child will they continue behaving this and men like this believe no one wants u after 2/3 kids and you are not going anywhere and most religious household they encourage staying for the sake of the children
4.If u struggle to move on how will u feel when he gets frustrated and lashes out that u must forgive
5.he is a narcissist who wanted a cultured virgin (who says that nowadays even fr religious background) so he could continue and cheat as and when he likes while u focused on the family
5.consider cutting ties will serve u a lot of heartache and I would not hide something this big from yr family no way he needs to own up big time if there is to be any change of any kind. Wish u all the best

I know of someone who is Muslim moved in with family and promised their own home and guess what after the first child it never happened and she is on baby no.3 still there and arguing about the same thing. Love alone is not enough and u will grow out of it

I can see that from your perspective this situation is very hurtful, but I think you are overlooking some facts- men from teenage until well into their thirties have very high sex drives, and not having regular sex causes them stress and mental health problems. This is made more complicated by the fact you come from a Muslim background and live with his family- which is a very traditional old fashioned way to live in the UK in the 21st century.
Lots of young women are ready and willing to sleep with men they know they won't marry, and men in their 20's will pretty much always take advantage of that in this society.
Your husbands attitude to virginity is very old fashioned and hypocritical, but this attitude is not enough to stop him having sex outside marriage.
I understand how hurt you are your husband lied to you , but given his stated position on virginity what else could he do?
Really you should not have been surprised a 29 year old man was not a virgin. You are living a traditional life, but you you must be aware of modern life going on around you, surely?
You want to stay with him, and you want your child, so you you need to start facing up to life's realities and talk this through with him, tell him you know, you have to face that you looked at his phone, which clearly he wasn't expecting, but if he is angry with you, rather than apologetic I'm afraid your marriage is doomed.
It's frightening confronting tough realities, but you looked at his phone, so this is path you started on when you decided to do that. Have counselling , if that helps- it is totally confidential , none of your family need know. Good luck.

Seek councilling - this is about more than virginity. Having a baby will put a strain on any relationship, if you are feeling low now you need to discuss it with your midwife and arrange support through friends, family or a religious community if you have one. You do not need to suffer alone - there are plenty people who want and can support you through this difficult time.

im sorry to read you’re going through this and particularly during your pregnancy.

provided these relationships are well and truly in the past AND he has not cheated on you, then the way to work through this is couples and individual counselling. Finding two good counsellors can work wonders to help guide you through discussions to address and resolve your issues. One for couples counselling, one for you solely.

if your husband is really contrite, he’d go to help work through the situation.

the individual counselling will help you to learn ways to work through your feelings about this as well as your feeling from your attempted rape. I say this because your attempted rape is brought up in your op but truthfully has no bearing on your husband having girlfriends and consensual sex with them. That you’re making this connection is an illustration how much this experience is still creeping in to your life and your thoughts. It really should be addressed.

I do hope that your husband is being open and honest with you. That he has deleted all these messages, any photos and deleted the contacts. In fact, blocked then deleted the contacts. Having an open phone policy would be useful too to help you rebuild your trust in him.