5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

He's not done anything since we've been together to betray my trust. I'm a bit reluctant to speak to other people about it as I don't want them viewing him in a bad way.
I just feel like my mental health has plummeted tbh

Please get help, move out and get some independence, then think about how you want to move forwards.
If your relationship was good your mental health wouldn't be so low.

Canada, in 2 large cities with universities and medical residency training programs whose countries paid their expenses as foreign medical residents.

Disagree in marriage there is nothing as his phone especially in religious relationships if u want privacy then don’t get married

He's NOW deleted them and I blocked the numbers, I'm trying to forgive and forget but the hurt isn't going... I get it's frustrating for him too coz I keep having breakdowns and crying almost everyday...

Assalamu alaikum sister. I'm sorry. He sounds awful.

He lied about himself to lure you in. He could have told you the truth about his relationship history but he chose not to. If he didn't want to disclose something he felt ashamed of but also knew that it would be a deal-breaker for you, he could have made an excuse and just said he didn't want to proceed with nikah, but he chose not to. He chose to lie and to deny you the chance to make an informed choice about him as he is.

He's acted as a misogynist, with frank hypocrisy about this. He'd divorce you if he found out you weren't a virgin before marriage but it's ok for him to have pretended to be one? Nope. He blames his ex for his own choices to have sex? Double standards, much?

He'll have the nikah but not the legal process that protects your rights. That tells you a lot about who he is.

He's let you down and shown himself to be a weak man.

What do you want to do? I know what I'd do, but you're the one living with him and his family and expecting a child. You're in a vulnerable situation in terms of your living situation and your financial situation. Would you be able to get some Islamic marriage counselling through scholars? That might help you decide what's right for you. I'd really urge you to protect your rights, and to get an STI screen. Tell your midwives too - they may have advice and support available. Do you have your own family support?

Walaikum salaam, we've both just sent off STD tests and waiting for results (I had suggested it as he said he didn't always use protection before, which broke me even more tbh).

My family aren't aware of any of this and I'm reluctant to tell them as I know they'll force me to leave and I don't want to leave him.

I will definitely speak to my midwife about this and try to get some help for my mental health. Thank you for your response x

Sweetheart there is no advice anyone can give you on here.
unfortunately no one can wave a magic wand and make your feelings go away.
you are obviously broken over this and why wouldn’t you be? He has broken your trust. Unfortunately quite often once that trust is broken it cannot be mended.
i alikened my husbands betrayals to this
YOU HAVE A FAVOURITE VASE; YOU LOVE IT IN FACT. ONE DAY SOMEONE BREAKS IT. DONT WORRY THEY SAY - ILL MEND IT.
NO MATER HOW MUCH GLUE THEY PUT ON IT, IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME VASE. THEY CAN GLUE IT BACK TOGETHER BUT YOU'LL ALWAYS KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE PERFECT EVER AGAIN.
So in short you have to either throw it away or learn to love it for what it is now.

You are in a very hard place. You’re pregnancy and finding out your husband had relationships long before he met you as brought back the trauma of your sexual assault. You’re getting the mixed up that’s the way the brain works. Go and see your GP get counselling from a qualified counsellor and if your husband loves you like you say he does he will come to all the best for the future and your pregnancy.