5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

You're mistaken if you think this is an issue that only exists among Muslim men. There's a huge trend among Gen Z men to obsess over 'body count' and wanting to marry women who are virgins and live a trad life.

Religion has a lot to answer for. All it does is cause wars and trouble.
Muslim men appear to have double standards more than most. Who else would insist women they marry are virgins but they can have sex as much as they want before marrying. I wonder what they think of all the women they had sex with before they married?

It's too late now OP but you married young, you've not got a career under you belt yet, but you're expecting a baby. And neither of you appear to have enough money to live independently. Although why the moral outrage at not renting somewhere is unbelievable- another religious principle?

It's not great is it?

You don't know this man any more. He's a liar and I'd not be surprised if he carries in lying.

Can you live with this? It's not his past that is the issue, it's his lies.

Do not prioritise this lying, controlling, sexist hypocrite over you and your baby. Not being married probably helps if you leave - go to your parents, have your baby and complete your PGCE.

Hopefully, young women will tell them where to stick the 'trend'.

??? thought they were married?

OK so you're not legally married.

Is the baby planned? I can't understand why you became pregnant almost at the same time as starting your PGCE. You probably won't even complete it before your baby arrives.

He has destroyed your trust and the fact he will not legally marry is a huge red flag . The trust in your marriage is all one-sided. Leave if he will not commit. What were your family thinking allowing him to leave you with no legal protection? All my Muslim friends had two marriage ceremonies. Religious and civil

I just spoke to him and he said he'll do the registry but he's scared I'm gonna leave him and have rights over his assets... I said if I was him surely HE should be scared? That I'll take away his rights over our baby?

IMO it's rape by deception. This is when someone consents to sex based on false pretenses or a false representation of facts. In this case, if the claim of virginity was a significant factor in your decision to consent then this would come under rape by deception. Consent is freely given and informed. What he did might not be a crime in the UK but it was completely morally wrong. I would LTB, though I understand that you may not feel this is possible. In which case, I'm sorry I have no advice.

He's a liar and has happily lied to your face. Of course you're upset - he isn't who you thought he was. I was with someone like this - would say anything to anyone if he thought it was what they wanted to hear.

Im so sorry you've found this out whilst pregnant but you know you can't trust him now and once it's gone it's gone imo.

So this tells you all you need to know. He's happy for you to have his baby but not to protect you and said child should the relationship end. Callous.

I understand that you don't want your parents to publicly trash him, that's unfortunate. Is there any way you could talk then out of it? I would go stay with them for a bit if it's possible to do so and not tell them everything. I'm sorry you've been through so much op, you deserve better.

Tell him you had a bf before you met - oops read your texts and so thought I would tell you to make you feel better about lying my dearest dh because I lied too…..

If you cannot leave, get even.

why did you have a baby so young when you're in the middle of a PGCE?

Was this idea his so he can control you more? Make you stay at home and not earn?

You won't complete your PGCE before your baby arrives. You'll be dependent on him .

You've barely been married a year and your first post said you'd already had some problems.

This is a frustrating read. If your younger sister/cousin came to you what would you say to them? Would you want your own daughter in this situation? Why do you think your parents would be unhappy? Does none of this make you think STOP doing what I'm doing now?

Where on earth is this "Am I being toxic?" nonsense coming from? Holding people to the standards they hold you to is not toxic it's normal.

Stop blaming yourself. Start growing up a lot both of you.

I'm going to say it again. Make moving out an absolute condition of this relationship continuing. You need to concentrate on your couple without all the other stuff.

How will teaching training work if you have to stop in a few months? Who is taking care of the baby in the future? Are you planning on a large family? Will you ever realistically be able to have a career?

Currently you are unmarried and once you have a baby they'll be absolutely no need for him to marry you because you're already tied to him for 2 decades. I have no opinion one way or another about the marriage part but if it's important to you then it should be very important to him. It's that simple.

Islamically you still have rights over his assets… Everything he has is now half yours.

It’s telling he’s picking and choosing which part of Islam matters to him.

He’s a liar and a hypocrite and a cheat.

Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood your meaning , but regardless he’ll still have rights over the baby- equal to yours. Legal marriage won’t change that. But if you aren’t legally married you have no financial protection x

You think that attitude is anywhere near as prevalent among non-Muslim men as it is among Muslims though? I don't.

In the very conservative, very observant Christian communities of bible belt USA there is a strong culture of no sex before marriage for men and women. The more secular people who are Christian in name only tend not to worry so much. Same with Judaism.

Whereas the difference with many Muslim men is that the culture is far more patriarchal and conservative even if the men themselves aren't always terribly observant or devout. They live the 'modern' life they want to live while it suits them, then suddenly find they've remembered their core, traditionalist Islamic values when it's time to get married. They have very entitled and misogynistic expectations of their womenfolk, expecting them to have remained devout, pure and virginal, even if they don't apply those same values to themselves or their brothers or their male friends. Complete double standards.

100% I don't think he would've. Coz he classes rape as someone losing their virginity. But then after I said my perspective on it he kind of agreed that it's not the same

no other religion makes their women cover themselves up from head to toe, to be 'invisible' yet the men are free to wear what they want.

It may not feel like it now OP, while you are so broken and vulnerable, but this is the strongest position you will ever be in, in this relationship, to do the right thing for yourself and your child. That is insist now that you move out of that house and have a home of your own. It has to be now not after the birth There is no chance once your baby is born that you can make independent choices while living under his parents' roof.
If it was me I would make that move alone because of the man your H has shown himself to be. Not only a misogynistic hypocrite, with twisted values, but a liar who you cannot fully trust. That would not be an option for me, and I hope not for you either. Every woman deserves better than this. Can you get somewhere of your own? Will your own family support you?

He felt like my family didn't spend much on him... His family gave me a LOT of gold when we got married but they can afford to and we couldn't!

But how do I you enforce this?

OP did he force you to have a baby?

I can't really see why you would have chosen August to become pregnant because most PGCEs are 52 weeks and you need to be in school for some of the practical training.

I'm Bengali and so is he... I think most Muslims share a similar culture and expectations anyways, not all of which I agree with!