5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

He told me that he "essentially got raped the first time and she was so toxic that he felt trapped and she said he's already messed up so he might as well carry on". I counteracted this as I found messages and proof of him consenting to sex. Although I have no idea what happened the first time and don't know the whole dynamics of the relationship so I can't really say he's lying or anything

I won't complete it but will resume after a year and going back as an unqualified teacher in the meantime. My dream was to always be a mother and I've had a lot of fertility issues too.

Op he's full of shit.

Lies upon lies.

You can stop believing him now. He's shown what type of man he is.

Pack your things and go.

I've had previous unserious relationships before but never anything physical, which I've been honest about from day one which is why I expected total honesty from him

OP, I'm a few years older than you but experienced similar... I got married at 21 and the week I started my PGCE, I found out I was pregnant. I managed to do most of it before baby arrived and was literally 20 days short of the required number of placement days. When baby was about 6 months old I completed those days and then a few years later (my baby had medical issues after birth and lots of appointments for the first 2 years) I started teaching. I also live with my MIL and am from a Pakistani Muslim background so cam relate to much of what you say.

HOWEVER, my husband did legally marry me (albeit It was after we had the baby) and was honest about his life before we married. He also supported me to complete my qualification and to start a career in teaching if/when I was ready. This support is what makes all the difference. Is your husband going to stop you from working and just expect you to be a servant to his mum? His unwillingness to neither legally marry you nor provide you with a separate home, but have you carry his children makes you vulnerable. You have no legal protection and are dependent on his whims. What have your parents said about this situation? Do they live nearby?

I won't be able to financially afford a place of my own unless I go to a council but I don't want to raise my baby struggling. My parents would support me but I don't want to rely on them as this isn't the dream they wanted for their only and eldest daughter.

He didn't force me, but we had just decided to wait to have a baby due to my job etc and then of course with my luck I was already pregnant and didn't know it...

Either he got you pregnant on purpose to try to keep you tied to him or you did, in the hope of getting married.

It makes no sense to have chosen to be pregnant considering your pgce, living with his family, and the arguments you were already having months into your marriage.

I can't help notice you're ignoring questions about the timing of the baby. That's your call, but it's worth asking yourself why this happened and you've misjudged things.

Personally I think you need to leave, sort out childcare and get back to your training however possible.

You're not even married?!!

Leave.

You have no rights. Don't give him any rights over your baby. Refuse to co register the birth.

He's very very supportive of my career and the baby! I can't fault him on that, and he's always pushed me to be the best I can be career and education wise

Bad luck?

So you weren't using contraception?

Did he disagree with that too?

The timing was unfortunate but it's something we've both wanted especially after being told by drs the chances of me conceiving and carrying a baby to term was very slim. We had just decided to hold off on the baby till I'm qualified but we found out a couple weeks later that I was already pregnant...

You are at a fork in the road, and have to choose which way to go.
Either you stay, and insist on UK legal marriage, or you leave him.
Unfortunately the clock is ticking on your pregnancy so you have a limited amount of time to decide.

I've had counselling before when I was younger a few times and each time ended TRAGICALLY and quite frankly I don't trust them anymore...
I'm sad to hear this. It is tough to make big decisions all on your own, especially when your mental health has taken a battering. I think you do need to find someone to talk to, it is too hard to do this alone. If you don't want to look for a counsellor, you must find someone else who you can trust to talk to.

He suggested marital counselling but I wasn't sure how I felt about it, I might give it a go though. No harm in trying I guess?
Be clear in your mind what would be the point of this - what would be your goal? It is highly unlikely he would change his basic attitudes and beliefs, so if he is a misogynist who believes women are inferior, a bit of counselling won't change this.
What you might achieve at best is for him to realise how wrong he was to lie, to understand how much this has hurt you, and for him to decide not to lie to you again - but could you ever trust him again anyway?

I was thinking to make the legal marriage a requirement of me staying and giving him a chance... Is that wrong and toxic of me? I feel like I'd be manipulating him if I say that?
It is not toxic or manipulation to have boundaries and red-lines. You have the right, and duty, to stand up for yourself and your baby.
Yes, if you stay with him you absolutely have to insist on UK legal marriage, preferably before the baby is born. It is not wrong to have this as an ultimatum.
Just make sure if you give him a condition or ultimatum, you stick to it. You have to be prepared to leave him if you don't get married by a deadline date.

He wants to protect his money...
Tough. He is now a father to your child together, so he has to step up financially and meet his responsibilities. If he refuses to marry you legally, then you have to leave him and claim maintenance. Staying together without legal marriage leaves you wide open to financial abuse and a future of poverty for yourself and your child.

We can't afford to move out right now and we're both against renting...
Be very, very careful if you buy a house with him without getting a UK legal marriage, especially if he or his family put in more money than you. Get legal advice about your position.
Only you can decide if it is worth putting up with his horrible sisters to save the money on renting - it depends if you can be thick-skinned and ignore them, or if your mental health is too bad to suffer in that house with his family any longer.

I just started my teacher training in September and doing my PGCE as well, so unfortunately I don't get mat pay either.
He also knows I can't raise this baby alone financially.
It is not true that you can't raise a baby alone as a single parent. Millions of women are doing just that right now. You claim maintenance from him, and Universal Credit to top up whatever you might be able to earn. It is perfectly possible, although you may have to rent for a few years.
Think carefully about the timing if you do decide to leave him - look into the rules about completing your teaching induction year within a time limit. Would your parents help with childcare while you work?
Fortunately for you, teaching is an excellent career for a single parent in terms of not having to pay for child care all through the school holidays.

he USED to be a little controlling [...] he didn't want me to wear makeup to work and go to my mums often
He said he wanted to divorce me a couple months ago over a stupid argument we had
These two statements you made in different posts appear to contradict each other. Anyone can have a stupid argument, but threatening to divorce you is abusive and controlling.
Do you wear make up to work now? Do you go to your mum's often? If not, perhaps he only appears to be no longer controlling you because he has actually got his own way.

He'd also have a lot to say about family and money in receiving gifts from them
What was his issue? Is it that he wanted to keep you without money and dependent on him? If so that is a huge red flag - leave him ASAP.
If it was to do with family pride or culture or something else, then maybe you just need to discuss it. But don't give in, you have a right to have your own money and receive money from your parents - he gets no say in this.

If I tell my parents the truth they'll never let me go back
Did you mean if you go to your parents and tell the truth they will never let you go back to him?
Firstly, don't leave him until you are sure it is permanent. If you leave temporarily and then get back together, he will never give you a UK legal marriage.
Secondly, it is not up to your parents to control you or make decisions for you. As an adult you do not have to do what they say.

"not to mention defaming his character and his family."

Assuming the family were unaware of the girlfriend, it's on him, and if true, it's not defaatory.

OP this doesn't make sense. Sorry. He can't be supportive of the baby and your career because the baby will mean your training is on hold.
He's talking nonsense. If he was so supportive of your career he'd have used condoms all of the time and you'd be on the Pill and ideally both to avoid a mishap.

Have you spoken to uni or the school about this? Can you go back to your PGCE after the baby or do you have to do the year again?

Are you school based for the training or uni plus teaching practice?

That is a very sensible post, Temphelp.

Op, I do feel for you, he was wrong to lie but he probably felt he had to. I've heard of people splitting up within days of marriage because it came to light that one or other had had a previous relationship and that is scary.

Regarding him making a big thing out of you being a virgin, again he felt he had to, he was pretending the same.

Oh what a tangled web.

Now it is out in the open you have to talk in order to move on. He obviously loves you very much infeed and would do anything to reassure you.

It is you he married. You need help to leave the past behind and also to come to terms with his lie. He needs to explain why he lied. Good counselling may help you both with that. You have a baby on the way and it sounds as though your marriage is worth fighting for so please swek some outside help.

I wish you luck, and happiness.

OK so the question is whether you can get past his past but he needs to prove that he is trustworthy and make you feel secure. He could do that if he legally married you but he is choosing not to :/

I can relate to a lot of your life though, my MIL is emotionally blackmailing my husband all the time. Everyone was like "why have you had a baby so young with no financial security?" when I had my first too but it turned out OK in the end, alhamdulilah.

Him saying that he essentially got raped is a lie. I know of a couple of younger muslim
men who are happy to sleep with non muslim women before they settle down.

He knows how hard it will be for you to leave with a baby and especially with your family being poorer than him. You need your registry office wedding to give you more rights legally here.

I find it hard to understand why you had a baby if you were enrolled on a PGCE course starting in Sept and you became pregnant in August.

You'd have applied for that months before you became pregnant.

I don't want to pry into your fertility issues but trying for a baby at the same time as having a uni course lined up seems odd.

I still feel pressure was coming from him as he wanted you to be at home and not having a career. So he could control you.

If he really cared about your career he'd not have made you pregnant at this time.

We had agreed that if I had fallen pregnant by August then I would stay in my current job (operations manager in the NHS) and pursue my teaching career at a late stage if I wanted to. We had found out I was pregnant shortly after my last day at work.

Yes the hide your sins thing only seems to work one way. I remember reading an interview with Imran Khan where he was coming over all pious, the journalist reminded him of his womanising days before his political career, and he mentioned the “ Islam tells you to draw a veil over your sins”. Now he’s married to someone who wears a burka.

Being pragmatic, my advice is yes, make a fast legal marriage a condition of staying together, grit your teeth and do your PCGE with him paying for childcare to enable this, then leave him.

It may not feel like the nicest way to act but you are stuck in an awful situation entirely of his own making. He's dishonest, controlling and mysogynistic. Let him reap what he's sowed after you put your baby's future first.

Yes I've spoken to the school and training provider. I work full time at the school with training alongside it with my uni course. They are happy for me to resume my training the month I had left the following year and the school have offered me a position as an unqualified teacher in the meantime.

Disagree entirely. This isn’t even just about the lies any more.

This is a man who:

Insisted that the OP be a virgin when they get married.
Told the OP that if she’d been raped that would no longer make her a virgin and he wouldn’t have married her.
Prevented her from wearing makeup and also from seeing her mum because he missed her too much when she wasn’t tied to him.
Threatened to divorce her during a recent argument.
Calls her names.
Refuses to make their marriage legal because he doesn’t want her to be entitled to any of his assets. TBH I suspect that it’s less that he’s afraid she’ll leave him and more that he’s planning to leave her at some point.

But exactly what about any of that says “he obviously loves you very much.”?

Okay thanks for this.