5 months pregnant and found out my husband lied about his past

[Saraahh]

Hi, just looking for some general advice tbh on how to get over this…

Me 24/F and my husband 29/M have been married since August 2023 and expecting our first child in April. We’re both Muslim and have had struggles in our marriage but recently have been the best we’ve ever been.

However a few days ago I came across a lot of things on his phone (pictures, messages etc) about his past. When we got married I was a virgin and he was adamant he was too and marrying a virgin seemed like a huge deal to him and a deal breaker if I wasn’t. He even once said if he found out I wasn’t a virgin after marriage he’d ask for an annulment.

The things I came across on his phone broke my heart… He had a long term gf who was sleeping with what seemed like regularly which I had no idea about. There was also a lot of other things I found but that was the one that struck me the most. I feel like I’ve been betrayed and the whole marriage was a lie.

I don’t doubt his love for me and I get the past is the past but my heart genuinely feels like it’s been ripped out my chest. Not to mention I’m carrying his baby. I wouldn’t have cared as much if I knew the truth from the beginning but now it feels like everything was a lie, our first experience together etc.

I love him more than anything and that hasn’t changed but I just CANNOT get over the heart ache. Every time he tells me he loves me, every time he touches me, compliments me, even when I look at him I just picture him with someone else because all these things where I thought I was his first isn’t true.

What hurts even more is that I almost got raped years ago and got stabbed and beaten black a blue but I still managed to keep my virginity. And to think I fought so hard for that, when he didn’t and then lied about it for 2 years just really really hurts.

I want to leave the past in the past and move on but it’s so hard, I just don’t know how to get over it so any advice would be great thanks… He’s been trying so hard to make me happy and forget about it and I do believe his actions and love is genuine.

I’m starting to think I’m the problem, I keep getting these obsessive thoughts, I feel like I can’t even be intimate with him without having a breakdown after because of all the thoughts and images going through my head. I suffer with anxiety and depression anyways, but this situation has completely tipped me over the edge… I genuinely believe if it wasn’t for my son I’m carrying I would have done something stupid to myself because I physically can’t handle the pain. The heart ache feels like torture and it’s turning into physical pain.

He also told me he’s never loved anyone before but I found so much evidence saying otherwise… Everything he does and says now just reminds me of these other girls and it makes me feel so stupid and like a fool. I’ve never felt this type of pain in my life.

I’ve barely been able to sleep and when I do I keep getting horrible dreams and wake up extremely depressed. We’ve taken some time alone and away from in laws the last few days to try deal with the situation and I want to move on and forget so bad but it feels like it’s engraved in my brain. I keep having emotional break downs and I’ve never cried so hard in my life, and I feel so guilty because I don’t want to harm my baby either. I have PCOS and severe endometriosis so getting pregnant was tough as I've also had 3 miscarriages.

Any suggestions on how to make this better? Thank you.

A lot of it was coz he had doubts about ME, he USED to be a little controlling and was instances where he didn't want me to wear makeup to work and go to my mums often (reason being he missed me). We both used to argue with each other and I definitely was not perfect myself so it's not 100% him. He'd also have a lot to say about family and money in receiving gifts from them etc but he is NOT like that anymore and has genuinely matured a lot as a person

He is a very bad bet as a husband, just for this reason alone. You must insist on this.

I won't even get started on his lying and deception of you....

As you made your promises to the man you thought he was and not the man you now know I walk away before you are legally bound to him. Go back to your own family.. Your relationship is over. He can concentrate on being a decent df with better hopes there than as a dh..

So mature that he's got you living with his family, pregnant and a bit 'iffy' about legal marriage?

Catch yourself on.

Agree!

This

Another thing as well, it's pretty much in our culture to live with the in laws but he has agreed we need our own place. My FIL is happy for us to leave, but my MIL on the other hand I don't think will take it too well... He's still happy for us to move out though as he can see it's not easy for me living with his family

This - do not marry him it’s over. He lied and lied and if and when his family asks you can tell them why.

It is the lying.

“defaming his character “

what character?

he’s a liar and has horrible double standards, guilty of doing exactly what he would have rejected you for.
His character is in the sewer already.

If you decide to leave him and don’t have a civil marriage you don’t have to acknowledge him as the father of your baby. Yes, he might go to court to be added to the birth certificate later, but that would be on him to do. You can be rid of him forever.

But if you have a civil marriage he will automatically be named as the father and will be in your life for the next 18 years. Think carefully, OP. 😕

I'm well aware of the cultural expectations, Saraahh, but "agreeing" to move is one thing and actually doing it quite another - especially if his mum gets to work on the emotional blackmail

Sadly I have to agree with the PPs who've said you're being thoroughly manipulated here, the more so because of his reluctance to marry you legally.
You're not the first and won't be the last, but fortunately there's culturally appropriate support out there if you wish to access it

Do not hide this from your family. That's a mistake many women in relationships with bad men make. You need to be honest with yourself about how badly he treats you.

I would leave him now. He doesn't want to marry you anyway. The religious ceremony means nothing legally and clearly means nothing to him.

I was thinking to make the legal marriage a requirement of me staying and giving him a chance... Is that wrong and toxic of me? I feel like I'd be manipulating him if I say that? Same with the moving out situation

Tell your family

Move in with your parents for a while until you know what you want- this'll give you space and also send a very clear message to him re: what your expectations are

Get an STI test

Get married legally if that's what you want (but not if you have more financial assets than him)

Oh and if you so stay with him, get some marriage counselling. He sounds like a dickhead.

I did an STI test a year ago when I had my Mirena coil removed... He kept saying there's no point but if I really want he can do one too... That also put doubts in my head but I shoved it to the back of my mind coz I knew he's had oral sex before just not more than that...

There's such a lot in your posts that makes me feel sympathy for your situation.

Imagine a friend has come and confided in you about the same situation, or your future daughter. What would you say to them?

I'm so sorry you were assaulted. Do you think that if you'd actually been raped he wouldn't have been interested in marrying you?

You need to do what's best for your baby, and by extension yourself. Clearly you are very unhappy at the moment, and living with his family, where you have to suppress what's happening and your feelings, cannot be helping or letting you have the space to process what has happened.

Please go and stay with your own friends or family, and let your midwife know how depressed and anxious you are - she will be able to advise.

Once you are in a better headspace and well, you can decide how you feel / whether you want to stay with him / whether you want marriage counselling or whatever. But you can't make any decisions atm. Your wellbeing, is much, much more important than saving face. Your family will wsnt yo support you I'm sure. Sorry it's such a horrible situation though, I'm not at all surprised by how upset you are x

If my friend wasn't pregnant I'd say to leave point blank. If she was I'd say there's requirements that has to be met first.

If it was my DAUGHTER I'd drag her away from him immediately which I'm sure he'd do the same too.

I just have this fear that this will ALWAYS play in my head and ruin our future coz I'll just be paranoid all the time

He doesn't want to be financially tied to you, does he? That's a huge red flag.

Honestly, I would tell my parents and let them help me now.

I don't do liars, I'd probably leave him. I also don't like how he tried to isolate your mom. Abusers tend to isolate their partner from loved ones. He'd miss you for only a few hrs when you saw your mom? I know you said he doesn't do that anymore, but it sounds so childish. Sorry op.

What was his problem with gifts/money?

He wants to protect his money... He's got more to lose than I do. My family don't have properties or stacks of money we lived in a council house our whole life. His parents are cushty and have multiple properties and he's got a good job and good career too. I had a stable job until I decided to start my teacher training... He also knows I can't raise this baby alone financially

In your shoes I would go to your parents.

He's lied to you repeatedly. By not telling you about his sexual history he's put your health - and the health of your baby - at risk,

He's dragging his feet about you having a legal marriage ceremony so that you are protected.

If he was genuinely contrite, you'd have had the legal marriage sorted by now, you'd be in your own house, and he'd be bending over backwards to make you happy and prove you were right to trust him.

You have said yourself that if your daughter was in this situation, you'd be pulling her out of it.

Pack a bag, ring your parents and tell them they need to come and get you.

I'm really shocked by what I have read.

I would run a mile from a man that put so much value on my virginity, and then became controlling with what I choose to wear or going to my mum's house?! There are Muslim men who aren't like this so this isn't an inherent Muslim thing.

I agree that you need to put your foot down and find somewhere else to live now. A lot of people rent and most rentals are one year contracts anyway so you could just rent for a year and then see how it goes. Really, your husband should be providing for you and your child Islamically so you should remind him of this. If your MIL isn't happy about moving out now, she never will be, especially once the baby is born.

I'm concerned that you don't have a legal marriage and given that he has two sisters and no brothers. My guess would be that he doesn't want to get married because assets would be shared (like his parents house and any money he has).

He doesn't sound very mature and you either need to decide if you can live with this or not as leaving someone whilst pregnant is a big decision. However, I would be concerned about the differences in the way he would treat sons and daughters and this would be a conversation I would have before the baby is born.

Definitely get support from your midwife and from any friends/family you have. If the shoe was on the other foot, I doubt he would hesitate in getting other people's opinions.

I say this as a Muslim woman.

You would be entitled to child maintenance from him.